Captain Fuckup Gets Fired in Record Time!

[thinkkank]

Mild-mannered thinkkank was going to his first day on the job at a restaurant. His first task was to make meat patties. The task was easy, but thinkkank thought to himself "this looks like a job for Captain Fuck-up". He went into the back of the kitchen and found a corner where no-one was around. He quickly turned from average kank to CAPTAIN FUCK-UP! the most amazing fuck-upper in history! Able to fuck up any job or task that most people (even some animals) would find easy. No task is too small or simple for the Captain to fuck up.
Captain Fuck-up did such a bad job of making the patties that he was fired in two hours and fourty-six minutes, what a record! For his amazing feat the manager gave Captain Fuck-up $40 and a doggy bag and kicked him the fuck out of the kitchen.
Feeling proud of his achievement the Captain decided to retell the tale to the members of the board.
What job will Captain Fuck-up be fired from? What manager will the Captain piss off? How load will the Captain's landlord yell at him? Tune in next time, same fuck-up time, same fuck-up place!

 

[thinkkank]

employers should have a fuck-up signal. when there's a job that needs to be done the fuck-up signal is turned on and a giant FU appears in the night sky. Captain Fuck-up is always vigilant in looking for menial jobs to perform poorly and comically.

 

[Foresight]

Nothing is easy about restaurant work. I feel you, I'm sorry. I know that sinking feeling. You have to be a certain way for that work. I completely sucked everytime I worked in a restaurant and I've done really well elsewhere. I think you could do well elsewhere.

 

[NumbItAll]

Captain Fuck-up is my favorite superhero. I can't wait for the IMAX release of this.

 

[thinkkank]

In today's adventure Captain Fuck-up has to call two of his arch-nemesis', his former employers, to see if they have any jobs available. The last time he interacted with them it didn't go so well and the Captain knows that they pretty much hate him. However, due to the crisis of infinite unemployment the Cap is forced to seek the aid of former enemies. Will the Captain's gamble work? Will his enemies aid him in his battle to earn money? Let's Find Out!

 

[Grey-zoner]

I'm rooting for you thinkkank. Last night your post gave me a good sympathetic laugh, as a fellow fuckup myself (though not yet a captain, I perhaps rank as a second lieutenant, the tenant that lives with his parents).
Keep us updated. Your posts are appreciated. Give em hell.

 

[thinkkank]

since the dawn of time man has always made plans and carried them out with varying levels of success. in every age, in every civilization there has been one figure, one archetype that always fucks things up. this figure is an avatar for the cosmic force of chaos. Infused with the power of chaos this figure fucks up everything they attempt.
In this day and age I am that figure. I have been given the mantle of the avatar of chaos. I will endeavor to fuck up as many things as possible until I leave this mortal coil. Afterwards, the mantle will pass on to another, and the tradition of fucking things up will continue. Long Live Fuck-ups!

 

[thinkkank]

my landlord is making fun of me now. they are saying "i know a grandmother who got a job just yesterday. where's your job?" unbelievable.