Discussion cant truly understand who i am.

[ScaredCutter]

Ive been having these moments in my life where i feel so lost and confused on who i am. its not about my worth but, what am i? im always trying to push away official diagnosis because it feels like im "faking" it or that i "dont really have it". i lose a sense of myself and i change randomly, i become bland and more to myself, i can be happy and expressive, sad, angry, jealous and what not but, when it feels like smth major happened whether it be a session w/ a psychologist or whatever i do in my freetime, i feeel like i lose a part of who i am.

i was feeling super good after my first session, was happy for the week and mentioned how it went but, since i keep telling myself i need to write things donwn, i feel like ive lost a part of me. a part to understand myself. ive done pretty good research on BPD but now, i feel like im just lying, that maybe its just all fake. im frustrated and sad, i dont understand it.
- in a time of my life, i felt like i couldnt express myself often, whetehr its school or home. i kept to myself because i didnt want my dad to yell at me or for my parents to mock me. when id get angry, i throw things and yell, maybe hit others (js family), ill cry hard afterwards too but, i was usually just made fun of for it. even when i would get sad, id cry really loud because i couldnt hold in how i felt but, i got smacked for it once (on my foot), i got my cries mocked, my reasons made fun of and just had me feelings be treated like nothing. eventually, i started telling myself and treid forcing myself to be "less expressive", i cry silently and i take my anger out on myself, i try to keep everything short and hide it. but who cares about this part, it means nothing.

i do eventually start feeling "normal" again but, these moments never make sense to me. theres no answer or reason i can find, it happened randomly andf i dont understand why. i dont feel like im the person who i am, who others see.

 

[arrythmia]

Damn, i feel the same way in every way. Not to take away from your suffering. In your words i found some peace. Every now and than i have identity crisis and i lose faith in everything, even my mind and senses. I feel so alone and alienated even to myself. I don't understand and it hurts. it hurts so much to bear this visceral pain.
I've done a bit of research on BPD but I'm not sure, I'm not a textbook case of BPD although it kinda feels fitting. My psychiatrist and therapists don't seem to be considering a personality disorder exept meybe bipolar .what i got from them is that they are treating me as a case of treatment resistant depression and anxiety.
Nothing in my case is seems bipolar and I'm afraid of lebals especially mental health diagnoses. They are almost always used and weaponised against you. I hate how much we suffer and how there is no understanding or solace to ourselves.
I'm sorry i went into a rant, i know you didn't ask for or wanted. I must only ask for forgiveness