Can't think of a reason to keep going

[MOREorLESS]

I've been feeling suicidal and self-harming for just a decade now. In the past, the main reason stopping me from CTB would be:
1. don't want to hurt my family and my boyfriend
2. ambitions about creating games and music
But my depression lately has gotten so bad that I basically cannot function anymore. I am rarely where I'm supposed to be, and most of the time I am just curling in my bed with my curtains closed, either drinking, sleeping or staring at my phone blankly.
I no longer feel guilty about leaving my family anymore, because the pain overwhelms. Everyone else is living just fine when I'm thousands of miles away slowly dying, and why should I have to suffer just to not interfere with anyone's happy lives? And I'm always treating my boyfriend badly because of immense frustration, so for him I guess it's better that I'm gone. And now I just don't feel capable of creating anything anymore: I am just so convinced that with my bipolar going on I will never be able to get anything done. I can barely cope with my responsibilities. How the hell should I even think about doing my hobbies?
It just feels like I am much better at feeling grief than happiness. I am never as happy as I am depressed at my worst. I feel like there's a breaking limit for everyone, and I am incredibly close to that now. One more night of that heavy sadness then I'm gone.

 

[hxppythxught]

I hope you find peace soon. if you plan on CTB i hope it goes smoothly for you.

 

[je.suis.prêt]

I can barely cope with my responsibilities. How the hell should I even think about doing my hobbies?

Me too, me too...

There are things that I want to do, but I cannot cope with the basics. I simply have no energy to see the point in doing anything. The smallest tasks require so much effort. I relate to your post.

Does your boyfriend know how you feel?

 

[d3c96524be95]

I've been feeling suicidal and self-harming for just a decade now. In the past, the main reason stopping me from CTB would be:
1. don't want to hurt my family and my boyfriend
2. ambitions about creating games and music
But my depression lately has gotten so bad that I basically cannot function anymore. I am rarely where I'm supposed to be, and most of the time I am just curling in my bed with my curtains closed, either drinking, sleeping or staring at my phone blankly.
I no longer feel guilty about leaving my family anymore, because the pain overwhelms. Everyone else is living just fine when I'm thousands of miles away slowly dying, and why should I have to suffer just to not interfere with anyone's happy lives? And I'm always treating my boyfriend badly because of immense frustration, so for him I guess it's better that I'm gone. And now I just don't feel capable of creating anything anymore: I am just so convinced that with my bipolar going on I will never be able to get anything done. I can barely cope with my responsibilities. How the hell should I even think about doing my hobbies?
It just feels like I am much better at feeling grief than happiness. I am never as happy as I am depressed at my worst. I feel like there's a breaking limit for everyone, and I am incredibly close to that now. One more night of that heavy sadness then I'm gone.

What you're going through sounds very rough and sad… I feel very sorry and powerless.

I don't live with BD myself so I might not be very well placed to speak, however I can relate a lot with the deeply depressing state you're struggling with right now, being overwhelmed with suicidal and self-destructing thoughts to the point where you're not even able to carry on with your hobbies or your projects anymore (which makes you feel even more useless and hopeless). Your post made me think of this article written recently by a pianist and composer I admire a lot, who went through very rough times with his BD, had to cancel his tour, but was eventually able to lean on the pillars he had to pick himself up. Just like you, he is a very creative person and had a supportive entourage.

Were you able to seek for medical or your loved ones help by any chance? Did it help?