retVarii
So desperate... so lost.
- Aug 21, 2024
- 3
Sorry if this post is incoherent. I feel like my parents have poisoned my life. I don't know if i can call straight up abusive, but i feel like it's fair of me to call them dysfunctional. But the thing is, I can't tell if my situation is really that bad, or if I'm just exaggerating. I'll tell you what i have pieced together.
Like, my mother. On the outside, she seems all cheerful and friendly to strangers, but around me (and other relatives) she behaves completely differently. Even then, she isn't always terrible, but she disrespects my privacy (always bursts into the room without knocking), keeps insulting other people (unless she meets them in person…), and she isn't doing anything useful to improve my mental state (i suspect that i'm depressed). But what frustrates me the most is how she constantly gives me silent treatment when i do something wrong (like i don't know, when i lose something like sunglasses on a plane and freak out about it). And not only that, if i *then* try to reason with her (like, I just have trouble controlling my emotions… do I really deserve to be treated like this…?), she becomes actively hostile to me, at times even yelling at me… I don't even have to talk to her if she's already acting like this, she'll just burst into my room and speak to me in a hostile tone. She just makes me feel like complete failure. And she never does anything with it, it's almost like she wants to perpetuate this cycle…
As for my father, I used to think he was preferable, because he didn't interact with me that often and didn't hurt me as acutely (ridiculously low bar…), but looking back, he really isn't any better. He is just… stupid. He keeps rambling when i'm clearly not interested. He keeps overeating and destroying his health. He is the one who brings money to our family, and yet he doesn't resist his wife in any meaningful way. Like, a common scenario in our family is my father doing some stupid shit, and then my mother going on about how irredeemably stupid he is, and then they just keep bickering.
I kid you not… every time they get into a disagreement, she does to him everything she does to me: gives him the silent treatment, cries, insults him, while my father desperately tries to knock sense into her with his pathetic ramblings. All of this while i have to sit in another room and listen to all of this… Well, unless I am the one she bickers with, the one who she insults and shouts at…
It's unpleasant to admit, but sometimes i almost wish I had these sort of batshit insane parents instead, who would always shout at me and subject me to physical pain, so that I could clearly see how fucked my situation would be, and maybe others would too, and maybe I would have a chance to escape… But then I have this terrifying thought that even then, I wouldn't be able to tell how bad my situation is, because I still wouldn't know what it's like to have a functioning family…
I am sick of this. I feel like a person like me should have grown up with a better family, but i don't know how reasonable that is for me to ask. I'm just so confused. I have spent 20 years in this clusterfuck of a family and i have learned nothing about the outside world, other than the fact that apparently everyone around is wicked and that i should somehow accept it.
Is it… too selfish of me to wish to break free from this…? I writing all of this in such detail, but i don't even know if i'm being truthful. I mean, nobody does anything with it, so… am i just selfish and ungrateful? How can i know??? Is every family like this? Or am i just remembering the bad parts, and my family is actually a safe haven? Or am i being gaslit…?
I don't even know how to ask for your thoughts here. I mean, you can tell me what's your impression from this text, but there's only so much i can do, since i can't introduce you to parents so that you form your own conclusion or something. All I want right now is to get SN and finally calm down, knowing that maybe one day i can escape this…
Like, my mother. On the outside, she seems all cheerful and friendly to strangers, but around me (and other relatives) she behaves completely differently. Even then, she isn't always terrible, but she disrespects my privacy (always bursts into the room without knocking), keeps insulting other people (unless she meets them in person…), and she isn't doing anything useful to improve my mental state (i suspect that i'm depressed). But what frustrates me the most is how she constantly gives me silent treatment when i do something wrong (like i don't know, when i lose something like sunglasses on a plane and freak out about it). And not only that, if i *then* try to reason with her (like, I just have trouble controlling my emotions… do I really deserve to be treated like this…?), she becomes actively hostile to me, at times even yelling at me… I don't even have to talk to her if she's already acting like this, she'll just burst into my room and speak to me in a hostile tone. She just makes me feel like complete failure. And she never does anything with it, it's almost like she wants to perpetuate this cycle…
As for my father, I used to think he was preferable, because he didn't interact with me that often and didn't hurt me as acutely (ridiculously low bar…), but looking back, he really isn't any better. He is just… stupid. He keeps rambling when i'm clearly not interested. He keeps overeating and destroying his health. He is the one who brings money to our family, and yet he doesn't resist his wife in any meaningful way. Like, a common scenario in our family is my father doing some stupid shit, and then my mother going on about how irredeemably stupid he is, and then they just keep bickering.
I kid you not… every time they get into a disagreement, she does to him everything she does to me: gives him the silent treatment, cries, insults him, while my father desperately tries to knock sense into her with his pathetic ramblings. All of this while i have to sit in another room and listen to all of this… Well, unless I am the one she bickers with, the one who she insults and shouts at…
It's unpleasant to admit, but sometimes i almost wish I had these sort of batshit insane parents instead, who would always shout at me and subject me to physical pain, so that I could clearly see how fucked my situation would be, and maybe others would too, and maybe I would have a chance to escape… But then I have this terrifying thought that even then, I wouldn't be able to tell how bad my situation is, because I still wouldn't know what it's like to have a functioning family…
I am sick of this. I feel like a person like me should have grown up with a better family, but i don't know how reasonable that is for me to ask. I'm just so confused. I have spent 20 years in this clusterfuck of a family and i have learned nothing about the outside world, other than the fact that apparently everyone around is wicked and that i should somehow accept it.
Is it… too selfish of me to wish to break free from this…? I writing all of this in such detail, but i don't even know if i'm being truthful. I mean, nobody does anything with it, so… am i just selfish and ungrateful? How can i know??? Is every family like this? Or am i just remembering the bad parts, and my family is actually a safe haven? Or am i being gaslit…?
I don't even know how to ask for your thoughts here. I mean, you can tell me what's your impression from this text, but there's only so much i can do, since i can't introduce you to parents so that you form your own conclusion or something. All I want right now is to get SN and finally calm down, knowing that maybe one day i can escape this…
