Can't take it anymore

[heylightiforgot]

The distress has become so unbearable. I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I keep telling myself -- "wait until tomorrow", thinking I'll be ready or it will feel 'right'. But each day just gets worse. And my physical and mental state is declining so much even trying to pull off CTB feels so overwhelming.

I just don't have the balls to drink SN. And I think the idea of sitting waiting 8 hours while I'm fasting, knowing I'll die, feels dreadful. And even though my family have been completely awful to me, I've built up their trust over the past week since my 'gesture' and if SN fails, I'm fucked and they'll leave me to die in a psych ward.

I wish I could just die peacefully in my bed. I wish I had organized Fentanyl when I had a little money and was slightly more functional (only a few weeks ago). Arghhhhhhhhhh.

What do I do?! :(

 

[Darkhaven]

Do you have any ocupation?
Something to take out of the house and keep you distracted?
That's always good to take your mind of suicidal thoughts for a while.
Do you work or study? Why not give a second chance to whatever it is you do?
You already have the means to do it, you re better than me, i still haven't settled for a method yet. It will probably be SN too as it's cheap and easy to get. There is no need to rush it.
But back to what i was saying: Don't rush anything and try to think things through.
How is your situation at home?
Can your family sustain you or keep you with a roof over your head for a while?
Don't do anything without a clear head, ok?

 

[heylightiforgot]

No, I'm almost completely physically disabled and confined to bed. I've been 'self-managing' for a long time (cooking for myself etc.) but my health started to deteriorate further 4 weeks ago. I was stupid and took an OD as a gesture to try and get into hospital and get medical help, but there is no help/treatment for my chronic illness and I just got locked in a ward for 36 hours, which literally could have killed me (I had to be monitored for an adrenal crisis while in there).

I'm just terrified because now it's becoming difficult to even sleep, and with my health in such a poor state, even missing one night could totally derail me. And if I lose further functioning, I will end up in hospital (i.e. the psych ward) which I wouldn't survive with my poor health.

My living situation is horrible ... stressful, noisy etc. and the reason why I ended up so sick. My parents are being 'nice', but I also know the moment I collapse they'll turn on me.

SN just turns me off .. I don't know why. But I honestly may have to CTB in the next day or two.

 

[Darkhaven]

No, I'm almost completely physically disabled and confined to bed. I've been 'self-managing' for a long time (cooking for myself etc.) but my health started to deteriorate further 4 weeks ago. I was stupid and took an OD as a gesture to try and get into hospital and get medical help, but there is no help/treatment for my chronic illness and I just got locked in a ward for 36 hours, which literally could have killed me (I had to be monitored for an adrenal crisis while in there).

I'm just terrified because now it's becoming difficult to even sleep, and with my health in such a poor state, even missing one night could totally derail me. And if I lose further functioning, I will end up in hospital (i.e. the psych ward) which I wouldn't survive with my poor health.

My living situation is horrible ... stressful, noisy etc. and the reason why I ended up so sick. My parents are being 'nice', but I also know the moment I collapse they'll turn on me.

SN just turns me off .. I don't know why. But I honestly may have to CTB in the next day or two.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
I also have a chronic and progressive neurological disease.
I got it last year and even though the symptoms are still mild, i seem to be unable to accept living with it.
I also want to ctb because of it.
It's frustrating how our bodies can be so fragile and prone to diseases and malfunctionings.
I sincerely wish that, whatever decision you take, may it put on a path without more pain and sorrow.

 

[MG_39]

I also have a neurological disease without cure or treatment. I have started to use benzo to just being able to go through the day. But as most of you know (who use or have used benzo) it works for a short while and then you need higher dosages. And just the thought of what a withdrawal from benzo would do with my neurological symptoms scares me, even though I eat relatively low dosages of long acting benzos. I think they day I started using benzo to relieve my symptoms (I had no choice) that day I become certain I'm going to end my life. I just postpone it a couple of months. Why? because I'm scared. I've never been scared as an adult, but now I'm scared like a lonely child out in the streets in a large city in the middle of the night. Not scared of death. Scared of failure, and scared of hurting someone I love.

 

[Jean4]

I am a 9/11 First Responder with 9/11 related illnesses, bedbound on oxygen. Thank God for medical marijuana. I vape from when I wake up until I go to bed to forget about the day.

I understand. Know we are here for you.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I also have a neurological disease without cure or treatment. I have started to use benzo to just being able to go through the day. But as most of you know (who use or have used benzo) it works for a short while and then you need higher dosages. And just the thought of what a withdrawal from benzo would do with my neurological symptoms scares me, even though I eat relatively low dosages of long acting benzos. I think they day I started using benzo to relieve my symptoms (I had no choice) that day I become certain I'm going to end my life. I just postpone it a couple of months. Why? because I'm scared. I've never been scared as an adult, but now I'm scared like a lonely child out in the streets in a large city in the middle of the night. Not scared of death. Scared of failure, and scared of hurting someone I love.

I have a neurological condition as well. It's a pain condition called complex regional pain syndrome and is the highest ranking disease in medical history. Ive had it for 14 years. I'm on Xanax. And yes I know how when you use it often it loses it's kick. Don't ever just stop taking them though. Something awful can happen that will mess you up even more. I'm scared too. Not of being dead but failing suicide. IDK what I would do if that happened. I know exactly how scared you are. I have often said I feel like a little girl alone in the world. If you ever need someone to talk to just PM me.

I am a 9/11 First Responder with 9/11 related illnesses, bedbound on oxygen. Thank God for medical marijuana. I vape from when I wake up until I go to bed to forget about the day.

I understand. Know we are here for you.

Wow thank you for your service! And I'm so sorry you're dealing with the repercussions of what those bastards did. It makes me sick. I tried medical marijuana but it did nothing for me. The kind with a lot of THC made me go crazy. And the kind with a low dosage does nothing. It breaks my heart you are bedbound. I'm in bed all day and night too because I have a neurological condition that brings massive pain. But I'm able to walk. If you ever want to talk PM me.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
I also have a chronic and progressive neurological disease.
I got it last year and even though the symptoms are still mild, i seem to be unable to accept living with it.
I also want to ctb because of it.
It's frustrating how our bodies can be so fragile and prone to diseases and malfunctionings.
I sincerely wish that, whatever decision you take, may it put on a path without more pain and sorrow.

Hey, I know we have talked a couple of times. I'm so sorry you're sick with a progressive neurological condition. I can relate. If you ever want to talk to someone PM me.

 

[I’vehadenough]

I can relate to all of you, just add ADHD to the recipe of chronic illness or being trapped at home, then you really go crazy. I'm not sure what is keeping you guys from killing yourselves, but I'm going on one year of this and each day gets worse. I wish we could press a "die" button and just instantly be finished. Assisted suicide should be available to anybody with a just cause

 

[Deleted member 1465]

You really are in a nightmare. Its awful being so incapacitated. It feels like hanging on to existence with one finger all the tme with no rest, with no one listening or understanding. I wish I could tell you what to do. I'm with you in spirit. Ive tried to get help myself but they wont help my condition either not until its too late. Do you get any practical help?