Can't stop thinking about family

[👁️👃👁️]

I can't stop thinking about how bad this is going to hurt them. I'm stuck between thinking about killing myself 24/7 and thinking about the pain that it's going to cause them. I'm laying in my living room right now on the computer screen is on and there's a family portrait of me my mom my sister and my brother and it's eating me alive how bad it's going to hurt them. I haven't really been feeling any emotions in a very long time but I'm just looking into my mom's eyes and asking myself how I could do something like this to put her through so much pain. I'm tearing up right now thinking about how it's going to affect them. I am such a fucking terrible person and I honestly deserve to be dead but they don't deserve to have to face the grief.

 

[Ruinedlifex]

I know how you feel. Sending virtual hugs

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you're in this difficult position, sending best wishes

 

[Maudlin]

I can't stop thinking about how bad this is going to hurt them. I'm stuck between thinking about killing myself 24/7 and thinking about the pain that it's going to cause them. I'm laying in my living room right now on the computer screen is on and there's a family portrait of me my mom my sister and my brother and it's eating me alive how bad it's going to hurt them. I haven't really been feeling any emotions in a very long time but I'm just looking into my mom's eyes and asking myself how I could do something like this to put her through so much pain. I'm tearing up right now thinking about how it's going to affect them. I am such a fucking terrible person and I honestly deserve to be dead but they don't deserve to have to face the grief.

Then don't make them face it.

You're always going to have the means to check out... the bus comes every 15 minutes, around here. It's always a good idea to keep your possibilities open.

If you were truly such a "fucking terrible person" you wouldn't have a care in the world for other peoples' pain.
I think you're just building sandcastles in your mind about yourself... quite like I was doing earlier, when the site was down.

You're not a bad person, at all.

 

[makethepainstop]

I can't stop thinking about how bad this is going to hurt them. I'm stuck between thinking about killing myself 24/7 and thinking about the pain that it's going to cause them. I'm laying in my living room right now on the computer screen is on and there's a family portrait of me my mom my sister and my brother and it's eating me alive how bad it's going to hurt them. I haven't really been feeling any emotions in a very long time but I'm just looking into my mom's eyes and asking myself how I could do something like this to put her through so much pain. I'm tearing up right now thinking about how it's going to affect them. I am such a fucking terrible person and I honestly deserve to be dead but they don't deserve to have to face the grief.

You are not a terrible person, you are compassionate enough you care about your families feelings. I'd say that makes you a rather good person. But it's not an easy choice to make, live and suffer, or end your pain and others suffer. That is a very hard decision, either way. Much love to you.

 

[Someone123]

Since they care about yu so much is it possible they can do enough to help turn things around? I suspect not, since you've been here a long time, but having caring family can improve chances for things to get better.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really painful and hard to deal with being in that situation. I get that it can be difficult when you feel a need to be free from this world yet you are leaving others behind, but I wish you the best.

 

[universe]

I imagine how difficult it must be, even though I am not close to my family. Even without involving others, CTB quickly becomes heartbreaking. One day we are ready and able to do it, and the next day we start to doubt everything. It's a bit the same with loved ones and family. Sometimes we want to stay to enjoy them for a few more moments. We wonder what will become, what will say, what will think, what face our loved ones? And at the same time we tell ourselves that we have to think of ourselves, and do what we want to do.

I agree with the opinion of others, committing suicide does not make us a fundamentally horrible person. We do not choose to live, life is imposed on us, I believe that we are free to choose when to leave, it is no longer a crime today in many countries. Of course, some consider us selfish, cowards and other bird names, but these are the ideas of people who have no empathy. They cannot understand how much a person can suffer to get there.

Of course, it is likely, given what you describe, that your family is sad because it is their feeling and it is legitimate. But that doesn't make you a horrible person.

I wish you good luck, I hope you get better.

 

[Nirrend]

I can't stop thinking about how bad this is going to hurt them. I'm stuck between thinking about killing myself 24/7 and thinking about the pain that it's going to cause them. I'm laying in my living room right now on the computer screen is on and there's a family portrait of me my mom my sister and my brother and it's eating me alive how bad it's going to hurt them. I haven't really been feeling any emotions in a very long time but I'm just looking into my mom's eyes and asking myself how I could do something like this to put her through so much pain. I'm tearing up right now thinking about how it's going to affect them. I am such a fucking terrible person and I honestly deserve to be dead but they don't deserve to have to face the grief.

Hi sweet @👁️👃👁️

Don't blame yourself, don't say that you're a terrible person, I'm sure that you really are a kind and sweet one ❤

Like you are describing it here, the guilt to leave a family behind, the dilemma and the fact to find the courage to ctb is a really awful thing to overcome. Sadly, it's a part of the process and the moment where your mind will tell you "Too bad, I can't do otherwise" is the moment where your mind is, I would say "ready".

I'm not incitating you but I lived these things like you and I realise that the only way to let this guilt vanish is to isolate oneself. Because, every contact you can have with your family can act like a wake up call to reality. For them, life is continuing and I think that they want it to continue.

But they include you in their future and so the guilt become unbearable because it's like lying to our loved ones

I truely understand and like I like to say, I'm really sorry because you're in a lot of pain ❤, if you think that you want to live and that probably the storm that tourment you will probably disappear, I really hope for you that this will happen and I believe that it's possible, that you'll find happiness. But, if you're sure to ctb and in peace with this choice, I only wish you the best ❤

Suicidality isn't an easy state to deal with, and thigs can quickly become unebearable.
I failed and was stopped in my preparations because of guilt and because I telled everything, so, I understand.

Sending you love ❤

May you find the happiness you deserve ❤

 

[lyles]

I am genuinely in the exact same position as you are. If it were not for my family I would have killed myself long ago. It is so hard when you love someone so dearly that the notion of putting them in the despair you know your death would cause keeps you back and suffering in return. It truly feels like a no win situation. I do not have any answers, I just hope that I get "lucky" and die by other means (an accident, fatal quick acting illness, etc.)
Regardless, know that you are not alone in these feelings and I am genuinely sorry you are dealing with them as well.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

Since they care about yu so much is it possible they can do enough to help turn things around? I suspect not, since you've been here a long time, but having caring family can improve chances for things to get better.

My situation is irreversible. Having people who care isn't going to change anything. Nothing will change it. My situation cannot be changed. There is damage that can't be fixed.

Also when I say family I don't just mean blood. Blood makes you kin, loyalty makes you family. I think there are other people that care as well. I haven't always been with my parents I grew up with my disabled grandparents and my parents weren't around and didn't come around much. I've also been in foster care. Can't always say my family has been the most caring I mean I guess they have my dad has done whatever he can to help me. My mom shows me she loves me in a little ways. They do the best that they can. When it comes to going out of their way to do certain things they were never really like that. Like when I was on the road traveling and whenever I was homeless nobody ever called me or checked on me. A lot of the times when I call them I got ignored. Anyway the whole point that I'm trying to make is that this is going to hurt them regardless and that is what I'm hung up on. Nothing is going to change. I'm in a position where I can't live anymore. I don't have the will to live anymore. I wish it didn't have to be this way. My mom has always had severe depression in anxiety and she also has multiple sclerosis. Plus I have a little brother who had a very rough life as well and he looks up to me in a way so I'm really worried about how it's going to affect him as well. Just really lucky that I could do though besides leave messages trying to explain to them that it wasn't their fault.
I grew up being abused and neglected. Child protective services was always at our house. I lived with my grandparents most of my life and like I said they were disabled my grandfather had multiple sclerosis so he became paralyzed from the waist down. They were all on pain pills and my uncle lived with us as well and my uncle beat the hell out of us everyday. I went to school with holes in my clothes and dirty clothes and holes in my shoes. I don't feel like I should have to go out of my way to explain it but I know there are people that will come on here and be like "well at least you have a caring family" and start comparing their situation to mine when that's not even what this is about and they don't even know the full story.

I imagine how difficult it must be, even though I am not close to my family. Even without involving others, CTB quickly becomes heartbreaking. One day we are ready and able to do it, and the next day we start to doubt everything. It's a bit the same with loved ones and family. Sometimes we want to stay to enjoy them for a few more moments. We wonder what will become, what will say, what will think, what face our loved ones? And at the same time we tell ourselves that we have to think of ourselves, and do what we want to do.

I agree with the opinion of others, committing suicide does not make us a fundamentally horrible person. We do not choose to live, life is imposed on us, I believe that we are free to choose when to leave, it is no longer a crime today in many countries. Of course, some consider us selfish, cowards and other bird names, but these are the ideas of people who have no empathy. They cannot understand how much a person can suffer to get there.

Of course, it is likely, given what you describe, that your family is sad because it is their feeling and it is legitimate. But that doesn't make you a horrible person.

I wish you good luck, I hope you get better.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Yeah I mean we shouldn't have to sneak around like this and take our lives but due to religion and other reasons like control and trying to profit off of as many people as possible they do not want us to die they want to keep Us alive as long as they can and pinch every penny that they can get off of us even in our last days. You know it's crazy these same people that call others cowards and selfish etc are the same ones that claim to be Christians. If these people knew the true history of Christianity and Catholicism they would know where this whole suicide is whatever yada yada I did came from. Still at all they have absolutely no idea what people are going through or how much they're suffering and what's going on in their mind mentally or emotionally at the time that they take their life and it's not up to them to sit there and call people cowards and judge them. Yet most of the time that's all they have time to do is judge other people. They think that they are the most righteous in that they are the one who calls the shots and holds the scales.

Hi sweet @👁️👃👁️

Don't blame yourself, don't say that you're a terrible person, I'm sure that you really are a kind and sweet one ❤

Like you are describing it here, the guilt to leave a family behind, the dilemma and the fact to find the courage to ctb is a really awful thing to overcome. Sadly, it's a part of the process and the moment where your mind will tell you "Too bad, I can't do otherwise" is the moment where your mind is, I would say "ready".

I'm not incitating you but I lived these things like you and I realise that the only way to let this guilt vanish is to isolate oneself. Because, every contact you can have with your family can act like a wake up call to reality. For them, life is continuing and I think that they want it to continue.

But they include you in their future and so the guilt become unbearable because it's like lying to our loved ones

I truely understand and like I like to say, I'm really sorry because you're in a lot of pain ❤, if you think that you want to live and that probably the storm that tourment you will probably disappear, I really hope for you that this will happen and I believe that it's possible, that you'll find happiness. But, if you're sure to ctb and in peace with this choice, I only wish you the best ❤

Suicidality isn't an easy state to deal with, and thigs can quickly become unebearable.
I failed and was stopped in my preparations because of guilt and because I telled everything, so, I understand.

Sending you love ❤

May you find the happiness you deserve ❤

I just wanted to say that I'm sending you my love and that I really appreciate you taking the time out to respond to my threads when I make one which is very rarely. Thank you for doing so and for being understanding and giving me your time and attention and reflecting. I have been isolating honestly but I still live with them at the moment. Whenever I first decided that I was going to take my life when I became so desperate that I was going to hang myself in some random area I had been away from my family for a very long time and another state so there really wasn't much guilt because I wasn't thinking about them until I came back home and started spending more time around them

I don't think that I want to live I've already made up my mind and I don't think that I'm a victim to this world there are a lot of things that have been out of my control that may have helped influence me too want to make this decision and cause the damage that I'm going through but I think a lot of it has to do with my own choices and I and responsible for a lot of it. I'm sorry that you're here and for what you're facing and going through as well. You're not alone and I'm here if you need to talk I just struggle with anhedonia really bad so it's hard to stay connected and have conversations with people.

 

[Deleted member 31858]

As I have told you many times, I believe that all of us who are here do not deserve to be going through so much suffering, especially you who, from the little you have told me, have gone through many things all your life and it really hurts me a lot that you feel like this and that you have had to go through very difficult things for so many years. But I have also told you that you are a wonderful person, you are very compassionate and have a lot of empathy with everyone, you are not a terrible person at all, please do not think that. I wish I could do something for you, I can only listen to you when you need it as well as give you your space but you know that I will always be here for you at all times. I know your decision is made, I don't like it but I understand what it's like to feel like dying 24/7. Just try to please always remember that you are a great person, that you are not to blame for anything that you are going through, it is difficult to make that decision for your family, eventually they must understand that it is not your fault or theirs, try to spend more time with them and I know it's hard to improve but try a little bit every day, I know you're very strong despite everything you've been through. I love you so much Shu, and truly from the heart you can always count on me and let off steam when you need it, you know I'm here for you ♡♡

 

[gimzero]

So you can wait but the ctb will find you.

 

[Someone123]

It's clear you need to find peace, and a carefully worded note can help to ease their pain. It's the best you can do in a difficult situation. Of course it will be painful for them, but you can lessen the pain for them over time in this way.

 

[Nirrend]

My situation is irreversible. Having people who care isn't going to change anything. Nothing will change it. My situation cannot be changed. There is damage that can't be fixed.

Also when I say family I don't just mean blood. Blood makes you kin, loyalty makes you family. I think there are other people that care as well. I haven't always been with my parents I grew up with my disabled grandparents and my parents weren't around and didn't come around much. I've also been in foster care. Can't always say my family has been the most caring I mean I guess they have my dad has done whatever he can to help me. My mom shows me she loves me in a little ways. They do the best that they can. When it comes to going out of their way to do certain things they were never really like that. Like when I was on the road traveling and whenever I was homeless nobody ever called me or checked on me. A lot of the times when I call them I got ignored. Anyway the whole point that I'm trying to make is that this is going to hurt them regardless and that is what I'm hung up on. Nothing is going to change. I'm in a position where I can't live anymore. I don't have the will to live anymore. I wish it didn't have to be this way. My mom has always had severe depression in anxiety and she also has multiple sclerosis. Plus I have a little brother who had a very rough life as well and he looks up to me in a way so I'm really worried about how it's going to affect him as well. Just really lucky that I could do though besides leave messages trying to explain to them that it wasn't their fault.
I grew up being abused and neglected. Child protective services was always at our house. I lived with my grandparents most of my life and like I said they were disabled my grandfather had multiple sclerosis so he became paralyzed from the waist down. They were all on pain pills and my uncle lived with us as well and my uncle beat the hell out of us everyday. I went to school with holes in my clothes and dirty clothes and holes in my shoes. I don't feel like I should have to go out of my way to explain it but I know there are people that will come on here and be like "well at least you have a caring family" and start comparing their situation to mine when that's not even what this is about and they don't even know the full story.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Yeah I mean we shouldn't have to sneak around like this and take our lives but due to religion and other reasons like control and trying to profit off of as many people as possible they do not want us to die they want to keep Us alive as long as they can and pinch every penny that they can get off of us even in our last days. You know it's crazy these same people that call others cowards and selfish etc are the same ones that claim to be Christians. If these people knew the true history of Christianity and Catholicism they would know where this whole suicide is whatever yada yada I did came from. Still at all they have absolutely no idea what people are going through or how much they're suffering and what's going on in their mind mentally or emotionally at the time that they take their life and it's not up to them to sit there and call people cowards and judge them. Yet most of the time that's all they have time to do is judge other people. They think that they are the most righteous in that they are the one who calls the shots and holds the scales.

I just wanted to say that I'm sending you my love and that I really appreciate you taking the time out to respond to my threads when I make one which is very rarely. Thank you for doing so and for being understanding and giving me your time and attention and reflecting. I have been isolating honestly but I still live with them at the moment. Whenever I first decided that I was going to take my life when I became so desperate that I was going to hang myself in some random area I had been away from my family for a very long time and another state so there really wasn't much guilt because I wasn't thinking about them until I came back home and started spending more time around them

I don't think that I want to live I've already made up my mind and I don't think that I'm a victim to this world there are a lot of things that have been out of my control that may have helped influence me too want to make this decision and cause the damage that I'm going through but I think a lot of it has to do with my own choices and I and responsible for a lot of it. I'm sorry that you're here and for what you're facing and going through as well. You're not alone and I'm here if you need to talk I just struggle with anhedonia really bad so it's hard to stay connected and have conversations with people.

No problem, when the heart is not in it, it's more difficult to invest in relationships as you just said, but that's understandable!

Yes, I can imagine why you're sure of your choice today and for the guilt unfortunately, it's impacting you a lot, I wish you that things will get better ❤

In the meantime, I wish you the best !

Love ❤

 

[Dizzylady80]

There's all sorts of decisions in life we make for ourselves that hurt other people, doesn't mean they make us bad people. Quitting a job, moving, breaking up with someone, etc. This one is bigger and causes more hurt, but it's the same idea. Like others have said, that doesn't make you terrible. That feeling is brutal tho, I've been there bb and I know how words don't just make feeling like an awful person go away entirely. Echoing Maudlin here, you've got all the time in the world if you think waiting would help. You could even make a pro/con list to help decide, those things slap. Wish you weren't hurting shu you already know I think the world of you, I hope you feel better

 

[Altvtysp]

I can't stop thinking about how bad this is going to hurt them. I'm stuck between thinking about killing myself 24/7 and thinking about the pain that it's going to cause them. I'm laying in my living room right now on the computer screen is on and there's a family portrait of me my mom my sister and my brother and it's eating me alive how bad it's going to hurt them. I haven't really been feeling any emotions in a very long time but I'm just looking into my mom's eyes and asking myself how I could do something like this to put her through so much pain. I'm tearing up right now thinking about how it's going to affect them. I am such a fucking terrible person and I honestly deserve to be dead but they don't deserve to have to face the grief.

What helps me be able to face the hurt I'm going to cause my family when I successfully CTB is if I choose to stay around that I will only end up causing them even more pain. Yes they will be very sad about my death but continuing to destroy my life over and over again in the long run will be more painful. I'm not capable of earning money to help support the bills anyways and sticking around costs more money. When I made an unsuccessful attempt on Sunday my family was very hurt that I would do that to them but no acknowledgment from them of the pain that drove me to do such a thing. Hurting loved ones cannot be avoided but it helps to imagine it as over time it prevents even more of pain and hurt from happening.

 

[niiina]

I feel exactly the same and it's soul crushing

 

[Altvtysp]

I feel exactly the same and it's soul crushing

It's one of the main things that is driving me to do this (which I'm planning on tomorrow as I have really good rope and practiced typing knots) is that I know if I didn't finish CTB and attempted to piece together the shattered remains of my life that I'll just continue to continually hurt my family by my complete inability to function like a normal human. There are numerous reasons why I'm going to CTB and I honestly believe I will cause less pain for them over time. Yes it will hurt them immensely but then it will fade quickly and they will move forward. If I tried to "keep going" I would for sure make Thanksgiving and Christmas really awful with my presence. I ruined the holidays last year and I wish I could have been thoughtful enough to remove myself from the equation back then but I chose to ignore my ideation and wasn't considerate of my family.