I've been thinking and wanting it since i was 13, although for no particular reason. I can't really say my life is shit, things are good and i have good friends and family whom mostly love me. The only issue is in my own head. I can't stop the dread, the overthinking, I can't stop cursing myself, thinking i am a failure and that i don't deserve anything and that everyone will be better without me around. I can't stop the thoughts, which gives me anxiety and panic and a real damn urgency to jump off or something, I just want to turn my brain off and stop waking up. I don't know why all of this, i just know it's always been like this and it keeps getting worse and worse. I had a brief moment of peace where i was just not thinking much about it as i was with a girl and felt different for the very first time, but it turned out to be a real toxic and abusive relationship and now that's over i feel even worse. Even though it is mostly her fault as she was the abusive one, I still keep only going against myself and can't think anything else other than "if you couldn't even manage this, you'll never have anything more in your life" and i'm just very very tired. I hate life itself, I hate the thought of having to live another day knowing I'm not mentally able to enjoy anything that life might give me and will only constantly suffer.
The only thing stopping me from doing it now is that I don't want to leave any excessive trauma for my parents as i'm living with them, so i'm just waiting until i move for this job i've just obtained and do it while i'm far away and they'll just receive the news and keep a good image of me in their memories, also getting slowly away from everyone else will also help them to not notice it much more. I'm looking to buy some N, but haven't found a reliable source so far and I'm still digging here to find it as it appears others have found it. Any help in getting one would be very much appreciated.
The only thing stopping me from doing it now is that I don't want to leave any excessive trauma for my parents as i'm living with them, so i'm just waiting until i move for this job i've just obtained and do it while i'm far away and they'll just receive the news and keep a good image of me in their memories, also getting slowly away from everyone else will also help them to not notice it much more. I'm looking to buy some N, but haven't found a reliable source so far and I'm still digging here to find it as it appears others have found it. Any help in getting one would be very much appreciated.
