Venting Can't stand the thought of waking up to another day

[JOkE2109]

I really don't know how much longer I have left. I'm just thinking about having to get up at the crack of dawn hearing that damn alarm feeling like shit and then spending hours shut inside a building and working for nothing since I will die anyway. It really sucks. The worst part is, I have everything ready to CTB, but I always just go, "I'll do it later. I don't feel like it." and then when I get to the point where I could really do it, too much time has already passed. I always distract myself away from the idea until it's literally midnight and then that's when I consider it but I'm too tired to deal with it. It's always "Maybe I'll go today, maybe I'll live today.", but in the end, I know it's the choice that only I can make.

 

[SecretDissociation]

It is a struggle making the choice isn't it. Somehow I lived to 19 by thinking this way. Oh I will do it next week. Then next week comes and I can't do it because something has gone on. I just keep waiting and waiting and I don't know why. I think it is just our SI kicking in. In my case its the fear of failing. Maybe some mindfulness could help you whether it entice you to die or entice you to just keep up the living.