Can’t speak about negative feelings without being forced to go outside

[Nymph]

I can't talk about my negative or suicidal feelings without being forced to go outside. I'm so fed up with being told to just go outside and think positively. My mom doesn't understand that I like being in my room alone even though I told her countless times. Going outside won't fix anything, it will just make me angrier and more depressed. She thinks I don't know what's good for me and acts like she knows me better than I do myself but she has no idea how I feel or what thoughts run through my head. Just because she raised me doesn't know she knows how I feel and what's good for me. I'm so fed up with living with her and being fed with her positive annoying bull crap. I wish I could never talk to her again. Everything I tell her, she will use against me. That means I have no one to talk to except my psychiatrist but I don't like talking to her either because I can't talk about suicide since she would send me into a ward. I'm so done