I realize now I'm done. I wrote my life story here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/the-crux-of-my-torment.26844/#post-487615
I'm really tired of the self-blame and fantasizing that I describe in that thread. The fantasies are like an 'addiction' but just no longer help, and I'm only torturing myself. Things just didn't happen the way I wanted them to and I forgive myself. Yes, I compromised myself on every conceivable level I hold dear, and would be living a completely different life if I had gotten out of home. But it didn't happen. My father has been making it increasingly clear that he despises my existence, and I just want to finally do my family a favor and get the fuck out of here. My cognition and decision-making processes are so bad (I partly blame benzos and fucked up sleep) that I just keep looping round and round and never actually doing anything to free myself; I've been stuck on this site for like 2 months and everyday is groundhog day. I need to take the final leap.
The problem is that my health issue and living conditions make it so difficult. I have to eat frequently throughout the day just to not collapse basically, and our house is small so I couldn't do it a tnight. And my mom also works from home Monday to Thursday (and is generally around Friday). The only 'window' I have to fast is while I'm asleep from 5am to 1pm -- and she expects me out of bed by about 4pm.
So, in theory, I can wake up a little earlier one day, at like midday, and take the anti-emetics and then the SN at 1pm. But she will be home. I play white noise to sleep, so that could help. On the one hand, I don't have much to lose because with my deteriorating mental/physical functioning, I'm likely going to end up in a psych ward. But, on the other hand, my parents (who already basically despise me) would never forgive me for attempting if something went wrong and I can't imagine I'd ever be allowed back home; and a psych ward, with my health, would be torture.
That's why I keep gravitating towards drowning. I have the most energy at night, I'm not really watched, and I could get out to the beach pretty easily. But I imagine this method is so much easier said than done, because even trying to hold my breath for a minute causes me to 'shake' and panic unbearably. The only plus to this method is that it seems guaranteed, given my health, and at least my family won't hate me as much because it isn't done in the house.
I feel so trapped, and just am ready to escape now but have no idea how because -- as I say, with my health etc. -- the stakes of a failed attempt are so high. Fasting at night is difficult because that's when I'm most awake/active, so I need to eat for energy, so doing SN like out at the beach would be difficult, which someone suggested. But I've also considered the idea of just getting in the water and drinking it without fasting? I guess it could knock me out quickly, even if I vomit.
I'm really tired of the self-blame and fantasizing that I describe in that thread. The fantasies are like an 'addiction' but just no longer help, and I'm only torturing myself. Things just didn't happen the way I wanted them to and I forgive myself. Yes, I compromised myself on every conceivable level I hold dear, and would be living a completely different life if I had gotten out of home. But it didn't happen. My father has been making it increasingly clear that he despises my existence, and I just want to finally do my family a favor and get the fuck out of here. My cognition and decision-making processes are so bad (I partly blame benzos and fucked up sleep) that I just keep looping round and round and never actually doing anything to free myself; I've been stuck on this site for like 2 months and everyday is groundhog day. I need to take the final leap.
The problem is that my health issue and living conditions make it so difficult. I have to eat frequently throughout the day just to not collapse basically, and our house is small so I couldn't do it a tnight. And my mom also works from home Monday to Thursday (and is generally around Friday). The only 'window' I have to fast is while I'm asleep from 5am to 1pm -- and she expects me out of bed by about 4pm.
So, in theory, I can wake up a little earlier one day, at like midday, and take the anti-emetics and then the SN at 1pm. But she will be home. I play white noise to sleep, so that could help. On the one hand, I don't have much to lose because with my deteriorating mental/physical functioning, I'm likely going to end up in a psych ward. But, on the other hand, my parents (who already basically despise me) would never forgive me for attempting if something went wrong and I can't imagine I'd ever be allowed back home; and a psych ward, with my health, would be torture.
That's why I keep gravitating towards drowning. I have the most energy at night, I'm not really watched, and I could get out to the beach pretty easily. But I imagine this method is so much easier said than done, because even trying to hold my breath for a minute causes me to 'shake' and panic unbearably. The only plus to this method is that it seems guaranteed, given my health, and at least my family won't hate me as much because it isn't done in the house.
I feel so trapped, and just am ready to escape now but have no idea how because -- as I say, with my health etc. -- the stakes of a failed attempt are so high. Fasting at night is difficult because that's when I'm most awake/active, so I need to eat for energy, so doing SN like out at the beach would be difficult, which someone suggested. But I've also considered the idea of just getting in the water and drinking it without fasting? I guess it could knock me out quickly, even if I vomit.
