livinginthedreams
i shall be with you my love
- Feb 4, 2024
- 34
Before I start: Its a long text lol Im sorry, if you read it please lmk abt ur opinions and or advice (what do I do, what does one do in this position..) Thankz
Hey you all, the past week has been so hard. I tried reaching out but I just couldnt. No matter how much I smoke no matter how much I try to calm myself I just cannot send that email. My mind wont let me. I sit there, so long, infront of it unable to send it. I deep down dont want to send it. I cannot convince my mind otherwise. So, that said, I cannot reach out for support. Many of you also know what may happen if a minor reached out. I know, people will say, I need to overcome fears of what might happen but I just deep down dont want to reach out. Ive looked for help and reached out to people many times, they were all lovely but after all I had only gotten worse and worse, whilst I can add them to a list of people who now hate me. Anyway, dying is so hard too. I feel like this forum is full of people who debate whether they should ctb like theyre buying a car listing the pros and cons, but deep down it is too much of a decision for a mind like mine. I will never be okay with dying. Maybe it only is regret, but to ctb I need to turn my mind off. Just not think. There are so many fears which overcome that option too. Dying is so hard. Nobody ever tells you that, when its night and you sit in front of all those pills, everything suddenly turns quiet and you remember every happy moment. All of that will be forgotten. Dying is so hard, Living (as in actively saying you dont want to ctb and you want to live, not just exist but live) is hard too. What is even harder is just simple existance of yourself. You stand on the border waiting for a wind to push you into death or life but nothing happens. Years go by and now I sit here. Existing is harder than Living or Dying. No matter how much I smoke, I cannot decide to ctb or to reach out. What causes me way more pain is plain existing though. All say that there is always another day, a next day, but no one really gets how hard it is to wait for absolutely nothing. You wait till youre 100% you wanna go? What kind of living is that? I sit here, write this, not knowing what to do. I genuinely dont know. Will I go to sleep for forever or will I reach out. Do I belong to this state of neither living nor dying, something in between? Such a misery.
Hey you all, the past week has been so hard. I tried reaching out but I just couldnt. No matter how much I smoke no matter how much I try to calm myself I just cannot send that email. My mind wont let me. I sit there, so long, infront of it unable to send it. I deep down dont want to send it. I cannot convince my mind otherwise. So, that said, I cannot reach out for support. Many of you also know what may happen if a minor reached out. I know, people will say, I need to overcome fears of what might happen but I just deep down dont want to reach out. Ive looked for help and reached out to people many times, they were all lovely but after all I had only gotten worse and worse, whilst I can add them to a list of people who now hate me. Anyway, dying is so hard too. I feel like this forum is full of people who debate whether they should ctb like theyre buying a car listing the pros and cons, but deep down it is too much of a decision for a mind like mine. I will never be okay with dying. Maybe it only is regret, but to ctb I need to turn my mind off. Just not think. There are so many fears which overcome that option too. Dying is so hard. Nobody ever tells you that, when its night and you sit in front of all those pills, everything suddenly turns quiet and you remember every happy moment. All of that will be forgotten. Dying is so hard, Living (as in actively saying you dont want to ctb and you want to live, not just exist but live) is hard too. What is even harder is just simple existance of yourself. You stand on the border waiting for a wind to push you into death or life but nothing happens. Years go by and now I sit here. Existing is harder than Living or Dying. No matter how much I smoke, I cannot decide to ctb or to reach out. What causes me way more pain is plain existing though. All say that there is always another day, a next day, but no one really gets how hard it is to wait for absolutely nothing. You wait till youre 100% you wanna go? What kind of living is that? I sit here, write this, not knowing what to do. I genuinely dont know. Will I go to sleep for forever or will I reach out. Do I belong to this state of neither living nor dying, something in between? Such a misery.
