A normal reaction, so I don't see any reason to blame myself. The survival instinct is probably the strongest emotion we can feel and overcoming it is the hardest part of CTB. Apparently you're not ready for this final journey yet. Best regards and I hope you will manage somehow.
I truly hope I can overcome it sooner than later
I sealed it back so I hope it doesn't go bad in a short term
Unfortunately, I can't give you any meaningful advice on how to defeat the SI because I'm not competent. I can only say what I do. I'm planning CTB until the end of the year and for the time I have left, I'm trying to program my brain to perceive CTB as something positive. I try to look for the advantages and reject the disadvantages of my decision. I imagine that something interesting awaits me after death and I will not regret this decision. I also think about the current World, which I feel is a disappointment, which makes CTB an even more compelling option. Of course, my SI is still very strong (if it weren't for it, I wouldn't be here a long time ago), but I'm less afraid than before. If you can, try to get Benzodiazepines, which are said to be very helpful in overcoming SI.
