I am not a young one like many on this forum. I have quite a few years in this adventure called life. Some of them were pretty good too. My kids are grown up for the most part.
Most everyone has a story to tell, some better than others. I have had a pretty rough road I believe. I won't go into too much detail but, will list a few things that helped get me where I am now.
I was abused as a child. Won't go into details.
I lost my father to death way to early.
I had a unbelievable daughter who I lost to death, I think about her constantly.
I lost me brother very young to death ( yes old Death has been a huge part of my life, have to love the irony ).
I lost the one person I found in this life that was able to make me feel better in this existence. And worse than death that was by her choice.
I have been having health issues for a few years, never found out what was really wrong until about 4 months ago. Tumors riddled throughout my Pancreas and Bile Duct and more. Prognosis? Misery until a terrible death. Yay me. Oh, I could try surgery and treatments, 0.7% chance it will help at all. And quality of life drops even more believe it or not. So just no.
My grown kids are constantly draining every penny from me they possibly can. So trying to save up for N is proving impossible so far.
Every day is pain and anguish on every level. Every night is nightmares, pain, anguish, cold shivers and hot flashes. When I do sleep a little I wake up and cry, and get angry, and hurt, that I am still here.
I have lost everything. I have lost everyone. All I want is eternal sleep. I do not think it is going to be granted to me the way I have prayed for. I just don't see how I am going to be able to afford it, which depresses me beyond belief.
I had an organization offer to talk to me and maybe assist me, but I would have to go to Sweden. I want to fall asleep in my bed, covered by a weighted blanket I bought for the one person in this cursed world that knew how to make my pain slightly tolerable. Holding a stuffed animal I bought for that person. And just fall asleep, and maybe, hopefully, have one nice dream to send me off.
I have all of my affairs in order, I have very specific instructions on every matter. I have a friend that is my POA for health and Will. She supports me and my choice to CTB.
My depression is magnified daily as I realize more and more that I am going to have to CTB in a manner I didn't want to since I can't get the money together for N. I keep holding out each day in misery and pain hoping something will change and I will have my end of misery saviour. But it's not happening, and I can't handle much more.
Another touch of irony Is I have never been much for pills or drugs. I don't even take the pain meds prescribed to me. So OD by most accounts is not an option either. Unless I can find cheap F and drink it. ( I looked into it, not easy to find either. At least for me ).
Throughout my life I always tried to be a decent person. I always tried to help others. I have taken a few decent bearings even, trying to protect others. I have believed in God also. Now I find myself wondering, why is it so hard to get one stupid little thing to give me peace? That doesn't make sense and honestly it's not fair.
I can't keep living each day in physical and emotional pain, knowing that my organs are slowly killing me in the worst possible way. Knowing when I die I will be alone in a damn hospital bed or who knows where.
Someone who meant everything to me always promised me that when I die she would be there holding my hand. Now I don't even have that.
I just want my peaceful, at home, in my bed, in my conditions, pain free, ending. I ask nothing else of God, of anyone. I honestly want nothing else. It hurts, more than I can express, that for some reason it seems I am asking too much.
Most everyone has a story to tell, some better than others. I have had a pretty rough road I believe. I won't go into too much detail but, will list a few things that helped get me where I am now.
I was abused as a child. Won't go into details.
I lost my father to death way to early.
I had a unbelievable daughter who I lost to death, I think about her constantly.
I lost me brother very young to death ( yes old Death has been a huge part of my life, have to love the irony ).
I lost the one person I found in this life that was able to make me feel better in this existence. And worse than death that was by her choice.
I have been having health issues for a few years, never found out what was really wrong until about 4 months ago. Tumors riddled throughout my Pancreas and Bile Duct and more. Prognosis? Misery until a terrible death. Yay me. Oh, I could try surgery and treatments, 0.7% chance it will help at all. And quality of life drops even more believe it or not. So just no.
My grown kids are constantly draining every penny from me they possibly can. So trying to save up for N is proving impossible so far.
Every day is pain and anguish on every level. Every night is nightmares, pain, anguish, cold shivers and hot flashes. When I do sleep a little I wake up and cry, and get angry, and hurt, that I am still here.
I have lost everything. I have lost everyone. All I want is eternal sleep. I do not think it is going to be granted to me the way I have prayed for. I just don't see how I am going to be able to afford it, which depresses me beyond belief.
I had an organization offer to talk to me and maybe assist me, but I would have to go to Sweden. I want to fall asleep in my bed, covered by a weighted blanket I bought for the one person in this cursed world that knew how to make my pain slightly tolerable. Holding a stuffed animal I bought for that person. And just fall asleep, and maybe, hopefully, have one nice dream to send me off.
I have all of my affairs in order, I have very specific instructions on every matter. I have a friend that is my POA for health and Will. She supports me and my choice to CTB.
My depression is magnified daily as I realize more and more that I am going to have to CTB in a manner I didn't want to since I can't get the money together for N. I keep holding out each day in misery and pain hoping something will change and I will have my end of misery saviour. But it's not happening, and I can't handle much more.
Another touch of irony Is I have never been much for pills or drugs. I don't even take the pain meds prescribed to me. So OD by most accounts is not an option either. Unless I can find cheap F and drink it. ( I looked into it, not easy to find either. At least for me ).
Throughout my life I always tried to be a decent person. I always tried to help others. I have taken a few decent bearings even, trying to protect others. I have believed in God also. Now I find myself wondering, why is it so hard to get one stupid little thing to give me peace? That doesn't make sense and honestly it's not fair.
I can't keep living each day in physical and emotional pain, knowing that my organs are slowly killing me in the worst possible way. Knowing when I die I will be alone in a damn hospital bed or who knows where.
Someone who meant everything to me always promised me that when I die she would be there holding my hand. Now I don't even have that.
I just want my peaceful, at home, in my bed, in my conditions, pain free, ending. I ask nothing else of God, of anyone. I honestly want nothing else. It hurts, more than I can express, that for some reason it seems I am asking too much.
