Can't focus + advice?

[CommitSudoku]

I can't focus on work today (hence me being here lol) which makes me hate myself more, and just makes the time that much more unbearable. I'm just feeling empty mostly today and that's just as bad as feeling too much, only getting drunk is nice but I can't now. I hate how no one will call me out for how awful an employee I am, and hate how I can't reach out and say I'm struggling. And now my dad is visiting and I couldn't tell him not to since that would be selfish. My only reason is literally that I can barely keep it together and hate to be seen this way, or tire myself out pretending otherwise. Had to hide the alcohol and pills and even that was an effort as minimal as it was.

Anyways if anyone has any for advice, is there a way to ensure I can keep this emotionless state while around others? It's harder around my dad since I feel so much guilt.

I'd also quite honestly like advice if I should quit my job. But I already know I shouldn't. But I want to. But I shouldn't lol

And then just a general aside, does anyone know any good alcohol in the US that matches the qualities of being not crazy expensive, higher than 21% APV, and not super horrible to drink (can be mixed with other stuff)? Last night I had Malibu which was definitely not the worst, but for the amount I drank, 21% APV clearly isn't ideal for quick drunkenness. At least I didn't get a hangover but it took way too long to get more drunk and I was still aware of typos I made which sucked.

Might write more here since I'm a lonely dumbbucket and I'm really struggling today despite my emotions being mostly nil. Thanks to anyone who cares to read this or respond.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I feel so empty today it's crushing lol I wish I hadn't survived through the night. There's no point to this, I just can't get out.

 

[WadeingThru]

good alcohol in the US that matches the qualities of being not crazy expensive, higher than 21% APV, and not super horrible to drink (can be mixed with other stuff)?

Crown Royal!

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are struggling. This life really can be so awful and depressing, all I want is to escape it all. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Masada]

I have a feeling things would be worse for you if your quit your job, so I would advise against doing it. Obviously I don't know your motivations for wanting to quit based on the forum post alone but I guess I'm just trying to motivate you to keep working? I know how difficult it is to get out of bed and go to work when there's already so many things going on in your head in the first place. Are you able to have finanical support if you quit your job? Would you being jobless be worse for you? You want to but you know you shouldn't.


Canada house whiskey is pretty cheap. (around 15$ for 1.75L) 40% ABV
Go to your local liquor store or a liquor store that has state minimum pricing for alcohol.
If you are unable to find canada house I'd suggest cheap vodka for the quantity.
Vodka is versatle and goes well with pretty much anything.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Thank you both for the alcohol suggestions.

I have a feeling things would be worse for you if your quit your job, so I would advise against doing it. Obviously I don't know your motivations for wanting to quit based on the forum post alone but I guess I'm just trying to motivate you to keep working? I know how difficult it is to get out of bed and go to work when there's already so many things going on in your head in the first place. Are you able to have finanical support if you quit your job? Would you being jobless be worse for you? You want to but you know you shouldn't.

My main motivation is I feel I'm a horrible employee and don't contribute anything, and it brings me anxiety when I have to talk to anyone there. I'm not passionate about it like everyone else is. I'm not passionate about anything anymore. And I don't really plan to be around long. I appreciate hearing I should keep working since I know I should since empty time is worse in other ways. And I hate being useless. But it also feels like I have next to no time to even just sort things out and finish plans/get things in order. My time always seems to belong to my family or else I have no energy, something happens, etc. etc. I'm so very tired. I would have financial support if I quit, at this point actually I haven't been made to start paying bills so my money has gone to alcohol and ordering SN. If I had the energy to research it and knew it would come faster, I'd spend it on N. So if anything the job is just letting me self-implode. But being jobless means more time with just my head and that's the worse place to be. I can't fill the time anymore since there's nothing I want to do but die. Everything else is a distraction and eventually leaves me feeling tired and empty.

I know I don't want to be useless or a failure, which I would be if I quit, plus I signed a contract and should work for them. But it's so hard waiting for a weekend when I feel I have the time to try something but then it comes and I'm exhausted or suddenly my family upends everything. They mean a lot to me, but it's so hard. This life is barely my own. Though I'd gladly give it up. But it's like I either belong to my work which I suck at, to my family's whims, or to a void of tiredness and lack of enjoyment. And I'm just watching and enduring that unable to leave. The longer I wait the worse impact it'll have to.

Thank for for replying by the way, I'm sorry I write so much.

 

[Masada]

Thank you both for the alcohol suggestions.


My main motivation is I feel I'm a horrible employee and don't contribute anything, and it brings me anxiety when I have to talk to anyone there. I'm not passionate about it like everyone else is. I'm not passionate about anything anymore. And I don't really plan to be around long. I appreciate hearing I should keep working since I know I should since empty time is worse in other ways. And I hate being useless. But it also feels like I have next to no time to even just sort things out and finish plans/get things in order. My time always seems to belong to my family or else I have no energy, something happens, etc. etc. I'm so very tired. I would have financial support if I quit, at this point actually I haven't been made to start paying bills so my money has gone to alcohol and ordering SN. If I had the energy to research it and knew it would come faster, I'd spend it on N. So if anything the job is just letting me self-implode. But being jobless means more time with just my head and that's the worse place to be. I can't fill the time anymore since there's nothing I want to do but die. Everything else is a distraction and eventually leaves me feeling tired and empty.

I know I don't want to be useless or a failure, which I would be if I quit, plus I signed a contract and should work for them. But it's so hard waiting for a weekend when I feel I have the time to try something but then it comes and I'm exhausted or suddenly my family upends everything. They mean a lot to me, but it's so hard. This life is barely my own. Though I'd gladly give it up. But it's like I either belong to my work which I suck at, to my family's whims, or to a void of tiredness and lack of enjoyment. And I'm just watching and enduring that unable to leave. The longer I wait the worse impact it'll have to.

Thank for for replying by the way, I'm sorry I write so much.

After reading this I'm honestly not sure which would be better for you. (Working or not working)
It's not much but I am sorry you are feeling this way. I hope substances and the community here brings you at least a little relief in the meantime.
Also it is okay that you write this much.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Thank you, I appreciate it. To be honest I only got a job since I felt compelled to, but I haven't worked through any of my mental issues and they just get worse. If anything I hope I can work myself to death. Alcohol does help very much usually, but then I hate myself for having to cope with it. The community here is great but I can't shake the feeling of being alone and empty and lacking.