Venting Can't ever carry a pregnancy

[soft-flower345]

I just need to scream into the void for a bit.
I fucking hate my body, the contradiction between my masculine primary sex characteristics and feminine secondary characteristics drives me insanse. I have a great lean feminine figure, but runningback shoulder width and big hands that make me wanna scream. If they weren't imperative to my survival I would cut them off myself, I hate how definitively masculine they are.

I have no womb, no uterus, I won't ever be able to carry a pregnancy because my body is fucking useless. I'll never have pregnancy scares, never have to buy maternity clothes for myself, never be able to experience childbirth. I know some of these are offputting and in the case of childbirth extremely painful, but I don't really care about how difficult or painful it would be, I want to be a mother to my own children one day so, fucking, bad. I want to learn from every mistake my parents and theirs made and be the best mother my family has ever had. And it will never happen. No matter how hard I train, how well I eat, how much I yearn. It will never happen. I'll spend the rest of my life watching other people accomplish and time and again take for granted something I would give anything or do anything for.

Everytime I'm around other women and the topic of babies or pregnancy is brought up I feel I can't ever contribute my aspirations and glee to the conversation because I don't have the same opportunities as them. It makes me feel worthless, and less human.
I just want to die, I don't want to be in this body anymore. Why couldn't I just be born like other women?

 

[Rack.-]

I'm sorry for you... I understand how hard it must be for you not being able to experience giving birth... But I think that becoming a mother doesn't necessarily need to imply giving birth to your child.

I understand that giving birth to your child must be a painful but also wonderful process that many future mothers would really love to experience, but it doesn't end there. I'd say that the importance of being a mother relies on taking care of your child, teaching and educating him, guiding him along the right path and most importantly showing him lots of love

In the end I'm a guy so I can't really give you perfect insight about how I'd feel about it but I guess that's how I think a good mother would be :3

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I'm very sorry your body can't match the dreams you have for yourself... I don't have any words to say to make you feel better, but I feel deeply saddened by your suffering and wish you only the best.

 

[Emptied_soul]

Yeah I totally understand, in fact I'd say it's my biggest source of dysphoria, I'm quite petite, my body is nice and my face is alright but what's the point if I can't bear children or have periods, I hate it at work when the other female coworkers start talking about their periods or the name they'll give to their children or the plans they have for the future with their husbands and their children, it fucking kills me from the inside, I wish I was born a cisgirl and not having to deal with all these mental problems and insecurities. Maybe in another life, who knows but this is what I got with this roll. Anyways if things don't improve I might ctb pretty soon, I'm just so tired of this life.

 

[ChildrensITV]

I guess a good way to think of things is: your sex gives you such dysphoria...well, at least you won't bring another life into this world who, himself or herself, may experience the same as you. The cycle stops with you. I wish my parents didn't meet.

I would say that "just because you will never be a mother, doesn't mean you can't be a loving parent", but thinking about it again, life is suffering and I wish nobody would have children.

 

[Crono]

I don't know but... Maybe you can adopt a child? It won't be genetically your child but it has the advantage of giving a better life to an abandoned child.

 

[Mechanical Dance]

Even though I'm anti-natalist, this really resonates with me as a trans woman. Knowing that I'm not a man, but also knowing that I'll never fully fit with other women, is a feeling hard to describe. For me, I'm not sure if I'd call it sad, but it is definitely not a nice feeling.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been if I was born as a cis woman, how things could have went differently. But I also think that some things may have been worse and I wouldn't have met some of the people who nowadays are so important to me.

Can't do much but send you my support. If there's an afterlife, maybe there you can be the mother you want to be.

 

[soft-flower345]

I don't know but... Maybe you can adopt a child? It won't be genetically your child but it has the advantage of giving a better life to an abandoned child.

If by some inredible turn of fate where I end up not CTB'ing I was thinking adopting would be the way to go. As others have said just because I can't carry my own child to term doesn't mean I can't be a loving parent, but I don't think it's in the cards for me in this life

 

[Insulinsuicide]

Yeah I totally understand, in fact I'd say it's my biggest source of dysphoria, I'm quite petite, my body is nice and my face is alright but what's the point if I can't bear children or have periods, I hate it at work when the other female coworkers start talking about their periods or the name they'll give to their children or the plans they have for the future with their husbands and their children, it fucking kills me from the inside, I wish I was born a cisgirl and not having to deal with all these mental problems and insecurities. Maybe in another life, who knows but this is what I got with this roll. Anyways if things don't improve I might ctb pretty soon, I'm just so tired of this life.

May I ask you Why do you have amenorrhea?
I believe it is treatable isn't it?

 

[EternalShore]

So relatable... I was praying to God a couple years ago about wanting to experience the pains of childbirth, and shortly after, I got the worst constipation-diarrhea pain I'll ever have in my life for several hours! >_< It wasn't pleasant at all, but now, I'm happy knowing that God actually answered one of my prayers for once. :)
That being said, the mental anguish knowing that you can never bear your own children through pregnancy is truly terrible. :((( Also, one of like 2 things keeping me male (to be able to have my very own children to birth and care for).

 

[Emptied_soul]

May I ask you Why do you have amenorrhea?
I believe it is treatable isn't it?

Maybe because I'm a trans girl and not a cis one

 

[Insulinsuicide]

Maybe because I'm a trans girl and not a cis one

My bad, I thought you are a cis from your comment

 

[Aisley]

I knew this woman once, a stupid vapid creature, who'd had five completed pregnancies, and she didn't know how many abortions, she casually threw out the number 'a dozen?' with a rather helpless, idiot-woman-child kind of shrug, when I hesitatingly asked, one time. I'm sorry, your comment pulled a rant out of me. And I, a little angry with the topic, the question and the answer, then asked why she never brought birth control products into her life at any point, and she said, "I dunno. I just liked being pregnant". And gave one of her little girl giggles, while being in her late thirties.
Three of her children had been taken by cps, the third right after delivery. They were there waiting for this infant, so they could save it from her.
A complete and total waste of a reproductive system. She'd come from abuse, as I'm sure you're thinking, by now, and did not think about passing that on for another generation.
And the fact that people like her exist, and can live next door to people like you, ready to shut down all the generational poison in one step, and move forward as a human, not a fucking animal, but can't, is a goddamn outrage.

 

[ChildrensITV]

So relatable... I was praying to God a couple years ago about wanting to experience the pains of childbirth, and shortly after, I got the worst constipation-diarrhea pain I'll ever have in my life for several hours! >_< It wasn't pleasant at all, but now, I'm happy knowing that God actually answered one of my prayers for once. :)
That being said, the mental anguish knowing that you can never bear your own children through pregnancy is truly terrible. :((( Also, one of like 2 things keeping me male (to be able to have my very own children to birth and care for).

Why is not having female reproductive organs to give birth "keeping you being male"? There are plenty of biological women who can't give birth but they are still 100% biological females. Why do you have to base how feminine you think you are on copying biological women? Can't you define your own way?

Maybe there is something I am missing but I hear that "you're a woman whether you're biological or trans" but yet trans-women are wasting time trying to copy biological women. Just do things your own way and forget about bio-women!

 

[OceanBlue]

And it will never happen.

If you have (or will have in the future) a spare bedroom, try fostering - there are plenty of older and disabled children in need of care and attention that you are willing to provide. A bonus - nobody else has to die.

 

[soft-flower345]

If you have (or will have in the future) a spare bedroom, try fostering - there are plenty of older and disabled children in need of care and attention that you are willing to provide. A bonus - nobody else has to die.

I'm not capable of being a good foster parent in the state my mental health is in, I refuse to subject a child to being dependant on me and having to live with my inability to consistently emotionally regulate. I refuse to hold myself to a lower standard than that for the sake of the children I would foster, they deserve better than what I can give them. I live alone and work a lot, so I wouldn't have enough time to dedicate to being a present, guiding foster parent anyways. I refuse to force a kid in my care to grow up emotionally neglected because I have to spend all my time working to pay the bills.

At this point not dying isn't really a bonus, I can't do this alone anymore and there's no applicably attainable solution that would convince me not to commit suicide. I'm beyond saving, I just want comfort for all the things I'll never get to do in this life, that's why I made the post.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I guess adoption could be a valid option for you.
If so, then I hope that you can do so.
I think you would make a great Mum.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I'm not capable of being a good foster parent in the state my mental health is in, I refuse to subject a child to being dependant on me and having to live with my inability to consistently emotionally regulate. I refuse to hold myself to a lower standard than that for the sake of the children I would foster, they deserve better than what I can give them. I live alone and work a lot, so I wouldn't have enough time to dedicate to being a present, guiding foster parent anyways. I refuse to force a kid in my care to grow up emotionally neglected because I have to spend all my time working to pay the bills.

At this point not dying isn't really a bonus, I can't do this alone anymore and there's no applicably attainable solution that would convince me not to commit suicide. I'm beyond saving, I just want comfort for all the things I'll never get to do in this life, that's why I made the post.

I wish more parents were as self aware as you are when it comes to the responsibility of raising children. I think there'd be a lot less suffering >_<

 

[soft-flower345]

I wish more parents were as self aware as you are when it comes to the responsibility of raising children. I think there'd be a lot less suffering >_<

Thank you, I think there'd be a lot less suffering too.

 

[spirittheyregone]

Hey, I know its not the same, but plenty of cis women are infertile and experience the same pain and grief youre experiencing now. Youre not any less of a woman for having the grief you do, and I think if you end up continuing on you're going to make a great mother to a child someday, even if that child isnt biological, they wont know the difference, all they'll know is that you're their mom and they love you.

 

[ChildrensITV]

Coming back to this thread after a few days, if your being a biological male (sometimes I hate it too but I am not trans) is a huge reason for why you want to CTB, then fostering and adoption should be out of the question. On this website, our lives are pretty messed-up! Why bring a child into that mess? As childless people (most of us), our focus can and should be 100% on getting through the day and trying to make tomorrow a little less dogshit.

 

[tiaralamb]

This was so surprising to read because I've always felt the opposite.

I honestly think being biologically female is a cruel cosmic joke. Periods are horrible to me, and so is giving birth, both in concept and practice.

Before medical advancements were made, female people who gave birth had a 50% chance of dying in childbirth related complications.

Even today in developed countries pregnancy and childbirth remain pretty hellish experiences, with daily vomiting, back pain, a slew of medical consequences that will change your body forever, and of course childbirth itself, which has been *heavily* sanitised by the media (seriously, look up some actual photos of crowning, literal body horror) but remains to be known as a horribly prolonged bout of extreme pain akin to torture.

And in a completely natural environment with no access to contraception or abortion, men can just… inflict this on us. At any moment. Consent isn't necessary for conception to occur. We can be forced to go through all of this near unbearable pain, all in the name of prolonging the human race.

I think there's a reason why, across so many cultures and religions, the conclusion is that the female sex is inherently inferior.

It's because from observing us experience periods, childbirth, & menopause, it's been decided that pain is baked into female biology as a natural occurrence rather than an indication that something is wrong. Our suffering is merely destiny. It doesn't matter what trauma we accumulate so long as we can still gestate a child.

I personally feel dehumanised and trapped by my own biology. It feels like a curse. It's funny because in the end, that's exactly how you feel. Perspective, I guess.

If only the technology was there for me to swap with you :(