
veryhappyhuman
Specialist
- Aug 25, 2021
- 340
For those who've seen my posts, you may know that my ctb plan was to travel to Canada, visit some places and ctb there in a hotel (SN). I was very determined to do it and everything was/has been going according to plan -- quit my job back home, closed things off, and managed to get to Canada ok. I even had my itinerary (culminating in ctb) all planned out.
Unfortunately though, in my blind urge to finish the job, I neglected to research what happens after my death in terms of formalities etc. I suppose in a corner of my mind I always knew it wasn't going to be very smooth, but didn't want to think about it too much because my only focus was on ctb itself.
Yesterday, by chance I happened to come across the case of someone from my country who died abroad, and oh boy. For an unnatural death, apparently there is a shit ton of pain the next of kin goes through post the event -- be it for transporting the body or ashes back or even to just get a death certificate from my home country. Even if I throw away my identities etc and effectively disappear, it doesn't get any easier for them. In my case the next of kin would be my old parents, so I feel like an absolute monster leaving them to deal with all this shit, on top of the grief of losing me.
I can't return and ctb in my home country either, because it's a 3rd world shithole and I'm pretty sure about harassment of my family from corrupt police etc.
I was so sure of my plan and was looking forward to a peaceful exit. I'm just completely stuck now. If I live, I'm 100% sure I'd go insane -- the internal cacophony gets louder day by day and therapy is of no use at all. I can easily see my rapidly worsening mental condition from like just 5 years ago. Now I can't ctb either. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST DIE?? WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO GODDAMN COMPLICATED????? Part of me thinks I should say fuck it and stay on my original plan but the guilt is overwhelming now. WTF DO I DO NOW?!?! I feel like my head is going to explode from all the contradictory thoughts fighting each other.
Unfortunately though, in my blind urge to finish the job, I neglected to research what happens after my death in terms of formalities etc. I suppose in a corner of my mind I always knew it wasn't going to be very smooth, but didn't want to think about it too much because my only focus was on ctb itself.
Yesterday, by chance I happened to come across the case of someone from my country who died abroad, and oh boy. For an unnatural death, apparently there is a shit ton of pain the next of kin goes through post the event -- be it for transporting the body or ashes back or even to just get a death certificate from my home country. Even if I throw away my identities etc and effectively disappear, it doesn't get any easier for them. In my case the next of kin would be my old parents, so I feel like an absolute monster leaving them to deal with all this shit, on top of the grief of losing me.
I can't return and ctb in my home country either, because it's a 3rd world shithole and I'm pretty sure about harassment of my family from corrupt police etc.
I was so sure of my plan and was looking forward to a peaceful exit. I'm just completely stuck now. If I live, I'm 100% sure I'd go insane -- the internal cacophony gets louder day by day and therapy is of no use at all. I can easily see my rapidly worsening mental condition from like just 5 years ago. Now I can't ctb either. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST DIE?? WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO GODDAMN COMPLICATED????? Part of me thinks I should say fuck it and stay on my original plan but the guilt is overwhelming now. WTF DO I DO NOW?!?! I feel like my head is going to explode from all the contradictory thoughts fighting each other.
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