can't drive

[coal-light]

I can't stay on the bus. I really can't. And it's frustrating. I've been in agony since I was 12 years old, wishing that everyday would lead to the end of my existence. On the selfish end of things, I'm simply scared of dying. My family was an emotionally abusive hellhole but I do love my mother and I don't want to hurt her… but I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to be okay when all I want is to be gone. My whole life has been a roller coaster of shit. Even when I do "recover," it never lasts. I lost all hope. The only reason why I'm even calm right now is because of my meds.

I have no interest in "trying to get better" again. But I'm too scared to ctb. Stuck in hell and I want to leave, but even for this there is no solution. I guess I'll just keep praying that something ends this waste of space of an existence I have.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much, it sounds like turmoil. I don't think it's "selfish" to be afraid of dying I identify with you saying recovery never lasts - neither does mine. I won't try to pursuade you to not be afraid of death, but I hope a resolution comes for you - whatever that looks like. You always have us to vent to in the meantime x

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course ctb is very difficult. Even know we want to die, it goes against our instinct to survive. Methods can also fail, and the society denies us a peaceful exit. I'm sorry you are in this situation, it really is so horrible being alive. It is painful when everything is hopeless. I can imagine it must be like being trapped, wanting to die and yet being scared of death. To me personally, death is comforting as it is the end to all suffering. Life scares me instead. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

Of course ctb is very difficult. Even know we want to die, it goes against our instinct to survive. Methods can also fail, and the society denies us a peaceful exit. I'm sorry you are in this situation, it really is so horrible being alive. It is painful when everything is hopeless. I can imagine it must be like being trapped, wanting to die and yet being scared of death. To me personally, death is comforting as it is the end to all suffering. Life scares me instead. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

If I had a shotgun I'd have been free of this nightmare long ago. Remaining in this state, where no amount of effort alleviates the continuous suffering I feel, serves utterly no purpose whatsoever.
"Strength" is meaningless; enjoyment of life is the most important thing. It is the purpose for existence. To hate every moment of one's life it to completely fail as a human being. All notions of spirituality are arbitrary, as there is no indication that any set of beliefs is more valid than the next, no schema by which the validity of a belief system can be measured.
Pleasure and Pain are very real, however- they are the only factors we know of for sure.

I agree with you too; I don't fear death (although I do fear the Act of dying slowly and painfully), but life terrifies me; violence, disease, suffering...
There was a point in my life in which I was happy and didn't think about the horrors of existence constantly. That point ended half a lifetime ago.
Due to the relentless anxiety I now feel due to chronic pain and severe mental illness, whenever I see the horrors of the world, deep panic and despair is triggered within me to the point of sheer insanity. I resonate with the pain I see very deeply, whereas before I was detached from it sufficiently that it didn't hurt like this.
How I'd give anything to go back to those days, they felt like a completely different life. -Sigh-

 

[Someone123]

Of course ctb is very difficult. Even know we want to die, it goes against our instinct to survive. Methods can also fail, and the society denies us a peaceful exit. I'm sorry you are in this situation, it really is so horrible being alive. It is painful when everything is hopeless. I can imagine it must be like being trapped, wanting to die and yet being scared of death. To me personally, death is comforting as it is the end to all suffering. Life scares me instead. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

i dp think the lack of a peaceful exit is a way bigger factor than SI- my guess is that a high percentage of people here would walk through a door to the next life if that was all it took- I know I would.

 

[supermario]

If I had a shotgun I'd have been free of this nightmare long ago. Remaining in this state, where no amount of effort alleviates the continuous suffering I feel, serves utterly no purpose whatsoever.
"Strength" is meaningless; enjoyment of life is the most important thing. It is the purpose for existence. To hate every moment of one's life it to completely fail as a human being. All notions of spirituality are arbitrary, as there is no indication that any set of beliefs is more valid than the next, no schema by which the validity of a belief system can be measured.
Pleasure and Pain are very real, however- they are the only factors we know of for sure.

I agree with you too; I don't fear death (although I do fear the Act of dying slowly and painfully), but life terrifies me; violence, disease, suffering...
There was a point in my life in which I was happy and didn't think about the horrors of existence constantly. That point ended half a lifetime ago.
Due to the relentless anxiety I now feel due to chronic pain and severe mental illness, whenever I see the horrors of the world, deep panic and despair is triggered within me to the point of sheer insanity. I resonate with the pain I see very deeply, whereas before I was detached from it sufficiently that it didn't hurt like this.
How I'd give anything to go back to those days, they felt like a completely different life. -Sigh-

I know exactly how you feel. My anxiety and mental illness has become so relentless, they literally occupy my mind every second of the day. I feel like my consciousness has been polluted, and that's the scariest part. At least with physical illness like cancer, I know when I die, I can bid that pain goodbye. |But when the torment comes from your consciousness, my greatest fear is that I won't be able to rid of it even after I ctb.