Venting Can't Do This Anymore

[cookiedough]

I'm a returning member. Haven't really posted on here in years. I was suicidal a few years ago. I held onto hope. Now I'm right back here. I have a hold of SN, meto, and tagamet. What's setting me off is this new job I have to work. I'm 25 and still live with my parents. We moved to another town so I had to take a work from home job in the company that I've been working for already. I originally had a position with office work. Now the only work I was able to get after the move was a customer service phone position. Call center work was exactly what put me into that suicidal mindset a few years ago to begin with. Now I'm right back here. I'm seriously wanting to do the SN Stat dose thing tonight. I just made the impulse decision to start an 8 hour fast. And then I can start the Stat dose plan to ctb at around 2am. I still don't know if I want to go through with it. But I still want to die. I'm just so confused and upset. If I leave my job, who knows when I'll find another one. I have bills and stuff. I have money saved but it might run dry before I can find work elsewhere. I left my desk and went to the bathroom because I'm having some sort of anxiety attack right now. I've been crying all day. I can't take the day off because my job's attendance policy sucks and I'll be put on a final or something.
I just clocked out of work anyway. I just couldn't continue

 

[Why Me?]

My sympathies are with you, many years ago I had a couple customer service jobs, I left all of them, However, I now regret quitting he highest paying one, because I could have used it to put me in a better situation, even though it was torturous to my soul, but I was ignorant back then. I suffer with severe anxiety/panic disorder also. Nowadays, there are many remote customer service jobs available, maybe you should get on meds for the anxiety before starting your next job, or tell your current job that your having a medical emergency, and get a doctor note. If they fire you, maybe you can sue them for wrongful termination.

If you get on meds, check out the possible side effects, you don't want any thing causing you further depression.

 

[cookiedough]

My sympathies are with you, many years ago I had a couple customer service jobs, I left all of them, However, I now regret quitting he highest paying one, because I could have used it to put me in a better situation, even though it was torturous to my soul, but I was ignorant back then. I suffer with severe anxiety/panic disorder also. Nowadays, there are many remote customer service jobs available, maybe you should get on meds for the anxiety before starting your next job, or tell your current job that your having a medical emergency, and get a doctor note. If they fire you, maybe you can sue them for wrongful termination.

If you get on meds, check out the possible side effects, you don't want any thing causing you further depression.

I can't handle another phone or customer service job at all. But those are the only ones that seem to be there.

 

[Why Me?]

I can't handle another phone or customer service job at all. But those are the only ones that seem to be there.

I have a lot of limitations that you probably don't have, so who knows what other types of jobs you can take. I can only do something easy & remote with no in person contact, with a flexible schedule which is why I'm unemployed.

 

[stermc]

I'm a returning member. Haven't really posted on here in years. I was suicidal a few years ago. I held onto hope. Now I'm right back here. I have a hold of SN, meto, and tagamet. What's setting me off is this new job I have to work. I'm 25 and still live with my parents. We moved to another town so I had to take a work from home job in the company that I've been working for already. I originally had a position with office work. Now the only work I was able to get after the move was a customer service phone position. Call center work was exactly what put me into that suicidal mindset a few years ago to begin with. Now I'm right back here. I'm seriously wanting to do the SN Stat dose thing tonight. I just made the impulse decision to start an 8 hour fast. And then I can start the Stat dose plan to ctb at around 2am. I still don't know if I want to go through with it. But I still want to die. I'm just so confused and upset. If I leave my job, who knows when I'll find another one. I have bills and stuff. I have money saved but it might run dry before I can find work elsewhere. I left my desk and went to the bathroom because I'm having some sort of anxiety attack right now. I've been crying all day. I can't take the day off because my job's attendance policy sucks and I'll be put on a final or something.
I just clocked out of work anyway. I just couldn't continue

I am sorry you are going through this. you said you are not sure if you want to do it, but still want to die. I can relate.
maybe you should think more about it? look for some other solution, I don't know.
It's important to consider all of your options.
I am sorry if this message upsets you, it's not my intention. I just want you to make sure you are doing the best for you, and that's something only you can know.
Anyway, I hope you get the peace you are looking for.

 

[Why Me?]

Also, you an look into becoming a freelancer, and learning how to video edit, and get your own clients and stuff. There's a Youtuber that says she took 2-3 months to learn it, and now makes 6 figures a year. Think outside the box if you need to. This is just 1 example.

 

[cookiedough]

I am sorry you are going through this. you said you are not sure if you want to do it, but still want to die. I can relate.
maybe you should think more about it? look for some other solution, I don't know.
It's important to consider all of your options.
I am sorry if this message upsets you, it's not my intention. I just want you to make sure you are doing the best for you, and that's something only you can know.
Anyway, I hope you get the peace you are looking for.

You didn't upset me at all. I know I should think more about this and not be impulsive. I'm probably not going to follow the advice though. I'm still fasting. BUT we'll see if I change my mind at about 2am.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

If I leave my job, who knows when I'll find another one. I have bills and stuff. I have money saved but it might run dry before I can find work elsewhere.

If you're already literally thinking of ending your life tonight because of how bad your current situation is, why wouldn't you at least try this alternative out? Worst case scenario you leave the job, don't find another, and use your savings to pay those bills. You can check out any time you want but if you die now you don't know whether or not you'd have been able to find a situation that doesn't make you want to die.

 

[stermc]

You didn't upset me at all. I know I should think more about this and not be impulsive. I'm probably not going to follow the advice though. I'm still fasting. BUT we'll see if I change my mind at about 2am.

I understand your decision!
you are in my thoughts! wish you the best ♥

 

[Jumper Seoirse]

Have some alone time, walk around the town go into the local businesses and talk to people try and find out if there is a skill shortage in some companies and see if you can study or learn the trade in the meantime while you are studying see if there is a bar or driving job or something outdoors so you have a bit of freedom.

Good luck

Geo

 

[cookiedough]

If you're already literally thinking of ending your life tonight because of how bad your current situation is, why wouldn't you at least try this alternative out? Worst case scenario you leave the job, don't find another, and use your savings to pay those bills. You can check out any time you want but if you die now you don't know whether or not you'd have been able to find a situation that doesn't make you want to die.

You're right. That sounds like the most logical solution. It's just that I also have something else going on. I start college again in January. I was supposed to work full time while going to school. And now that I'm screwing up my job, I'm screwing up my schooling too. I just don't see another way currently. I'm still thinking about it. I haven't actually made up my mind yet.

You're right. That sounds like the most logical solution. It's just that I also have something else going on. I start college again in January. I was supposed to work full time while going to school. And now that I'm screwing up my job, I'm screwing up my schooling too. I just don't see another way currently. I'm still thinking about it. I haven't actually made up my mind yet. I guess my mind is just weak. I don't know. I worked just fine for two years. Then I enter a call center job again and I just get this massive panic attack.

 

[cookiedough]

I'm still continuing my fast and still considering ctb. But now that I'm not in an anxiety attack mess I'm thinking a bit more clearly.
I've put myself on a final at work. So one more occurrence and I get terminated. The first one wasn't even my fault. I lost power due to a hurricane and we were required to work despite the hurricane. It's like I was set up to fail. The occurrences will fall off in January. I am due to start working the overnight hours next week. I know that during those hours, the calls barely come in which will keep me from getting overwhelmed. I have 3 more days left in this work week. Maybe if I endure for just 3 more days? I also start school in January. Maybe studying to be an xray tech will make me feel some purpose in my life and keep me from wanting to ctb? I filled out some sort of accommodation form while I was still clocked in. Maybe I can ask for loa or something? I don't know. I'm so hungry but I'm still scared to eat right now because what if I still want to ctb by the time 2am rolls around?

 

[Worndown]

If they count a hurricane against you, they are a crappy employer. I do see where this does not help your situation.

 

[stermc]

I'm still continuing my fast and still considering ctb. But now that I'm not in an anxiety attack mess I'm thinking a bit more clearly.
I've put myself on a final at work. So one more occurrence and I get terminated. The first one wasn't even my fault. I lost power due to a hurricane and we were required to work despite the hurricane. It's like I was set up to fail. The occurrences will fall off in January. I am due to start working the overnight hours next week. I know that during those hours, the calls barely come in which will keep me from getting overwhelmed. I have 3 more days left in this work week. Maybe if I endure for just 3 more days? I also start school in January. Maybe studying to be an xray tech will make me feel some purpose in my life and keep me from wanting to ctb? I filled out some sort of accommodation form while I was still clocked in. Maybe I can ask for loa or something? I don't know. I'm so hungry but I'm still scared to eat right now because what if I still want to ctb by the time 2am rolls around?

hey! how you doing?

 

[cookiedough]

hey! how you doing?

Hi. I still feel so upset. I just woke up wishing I had gone through with it. But I decided that I'll explore my options better, speak with my doctor and job about a possible fmla or loa. And I just have three more days this week until the weekend. I filled out that form to request someone discuss with me. So I hope someone calls me today before I have to go into work.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound stressful what you are going through and it can certainly be tiring having to endure a life that you hate. But I wish you the best with what you plan to do.

 

[stermc]

Hi. I still feel so upset. I just woke up wishing I had gone through with it. But I decided that I'll explore my options better, speak with my doctor and job about a possible fmla or loa. And I just have three more days this week until the weekend. I filled out that form to request someone discuss with me. So I hope someone calls me today before I have to go into work.

I am happy you decided to think more about it!
I think it's important to be really sure about ctb, because it's a definitive decision. Also, it's something you can do anytime (it can always be an option, that's what I mean).
Really hope you figure out how to make things work for you! Mainly, I hope you find peace (in this life or after it).
♥

 

[PJS1995]

25 isn't that old to be living with your parents. I'm 38 and I moved back home. I'm not mentally stable enough to live on my own right now. I lost my job at 30 and was unemployed for almost a year. Yeah I wish I could ctb now, but you're young. Honestly, take care of yourself. Get some help. You can find another job. To me 25 is very young still. You have plenty of time to turn it around. All the best to you, my friend.