Venting Can't do it now...

[Freedom Believer]

Everytime I find a perfect opportunity to CTB, something seems to come up to delay it. A family member is having health problems and now my Dad is returning from his trip. A missed opportunity by me. I have to wait now for the health scare to go away before I CTB. The last thing I want to do is CTB when someone close is in the hospital.

I feel like these attempts to CTB and me delaying it make me feel weak because of my fear for what's beyond. My fear of nothing or that the actions I've done will lead me to Hell. All this stress and thoughts in my head...I made myself bedridden because I can't find happiness in anything anymore.

I hope I don't feel like I'm using you people because you've all been so kind to me on all the posts I've made (especially in my two failed CTB attempts). I want all of it to end.

 

[jgm63]

Sorry to hear of your struggles.
Keep us updated as/when you wish.....

 

[k75]

I know how this is going to sound, but have you considered this may be a sign? Maybe you aren't really ready yet.

I don't know how to phrase this in a way that doesn't come across wrong, but generally, people who are really ready aren't easily blocked from their goal. They find a way regardless of obstacles.

You sound like you're hesitating, ready for reasons to postpone. And there's nothing wrong with that! It says nothing bad about you at all. Just that maybe your gut is saying it's not your time. I strongly believe you should listen to your gut. You can always go tomorrow if you have to.

 

[HopeDiesLast]

Canceling or postponing your attempts to ctb does NOT mean you're weak. Nobody here will be disappointed in you or think any less of you! Sometimes making the choice to continue living takes more guts than ending it all. Don't ever feel like you're a failure for staying alive!

I'm not sure how old you are, but I believe you're still very young. Maybe take a step back and give life another chance? We're here for you...but it might help to take a break from the forum for a while, or head over to the recovery section.

 

[placeholder]

I've done will lead me to Hell.

It is in my religion too. I am frustrated with that. This is the only reason that I live or I will simply kill myself.

 

[EmptyArms]

I agree with previous posts. My gut tells me that your gut tells you that this isnt your time. I think you are needed right now. Sometimes that can give us purpose.

 

[Freedom Believer]

Thank you for all the love and advice. It means a lot to me that you all care. If I do CTB, I'll be sure to remember all of you who've done a lot to make me feel loved and wanted.

 

[greencoat111]

You are not weak at all you sound like a very strong person. I totally relate as I am in the same position. I have wanted to ctb so many times but cannot make myself go through with it and feel like I never will

 

[Starrywaters]

Ctb is one action you cannot take back. It is a final and intimate choice to leave this consciousness. You are not weak for delaying, postponing, backing out etc etc.
In life we aren't blessed with being able to control everything but this is YOUR choice, if you do or you do not. Acknowledge the strength in knowing it is only something you can opt into or out of.

You are not a burden here.

 

[Skyview]

Try to relax and clear your mind and yes I know it's difficult ,You owe it to yourself to unwind and also , please eat something .

 

[lmroch]

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[Hopeindeath!]

That's really kind of you to consider your family member that is in the hospital and wait.

 

[Farmmaa]

I am going to echo what others have already said here, and what we have said on previous posts - something inside you is holding you back.
It has nothing to do with courage or strength … for whatever reason there is, it is not your time to go.
It takes just as much strength to stay and continue to try to work on ourselves as it does to leave.

I feel like you just need to be heard.
So, before you ever try to leave this world … make your voice heard and tell the people in your life the things you've been able to say to us here.
THAT takes courage.

 

[placeholder]

for whatever reason there is

I don't know because religion. In my religion those who suicide will get punishment by diety. I have printed my death note out and sign and write the date that show that when the time is I print it. I have measure the length that can circle my head and add some length to it. That is the length that need to form the noose. I have leave aforementioned measured length between two constrictor knots near each others on horizontal bar. And I have bend and let my head in the noose and neck against noose. I just need to make my ass move away from wheelchair then I can hang myself, but I really afraid of it.

 

[Moonicide]

You're not using us at all, love. We are here to listen and support you... It's understandable why you'd have fear of the known. We aren't sure what awaits us at the end of the tunnel, but it sure isn't hell. I know it's hard to get out of your head and really believe that, but hell is right now. Hell is living. Heaven is death, and it doesn't matter how you die, even if it is by your own hands it doesn't mean you'll be condemned to hell for eternity... It's going to be okay and we will get through this. Thank you for keeping us updated on your ctb as well as your struggles. There will be many more opportunities, love. You aren't weak for it. It takes time, you'll know when it's right.

Sending you all of my love and support.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I echo the sentiments of everyone in this thread. It is not your time yet. When it is, there will be nothing holding you back.