Alright, first off sorry for polluting this wonderful forum with my drivel, its just holy shit, I need a release.
Anyway I've gotten to the point where I can't handle past decisions I made. And my reasons for wanting to die are pretty superficial and shitty compared to some of the folks here. (I know, comparing shit like that is bad but shitty reasons exist)
So after completely obliterating any hope of being with this certain person I decided to go with the wise decision of splitting my arms open and descending into an alcohol fueled life. Like damn, my arms are marked up lol.
Such an utterly rediculous reason, but it was one of the only people I clicked with in such a way. Or maybe it was my first intimate connection and Im lying too myself. But yea, fucking stupid and irrational to want to kms over.
Next up is how I got my dog euthanized. My parents were splitting up and moving to different abodes. My mother didn't care for my poor pup, but I didn't want to live with my father. My dog was kinda sick but not terminal.
I was so fucking passive and weak in this whole ordeal, lmao yea right its not an ordeal. Anyway,- I was so fucking timid and cowardly. When it came time the vet looked me in the eye and said he could be adopted, I was silent and my dad awnsered for me basically, saying itd be like taking me back to the hospital.
Jesus christ, I was so weak and selfish all I ckuld do is cry pathetically as my beuatiful pup died in my arms. I can't and won't get over how I betrayed him. He was whimpering before we went in and just wanted to fucking play.
I'm just a utterly horrible person who can do no more than wallow in my self pity. I can't live with some of the shit I've done, there is no redemption or way to rectify what I've done.
No matter how I rationalize it I can't accept who I am. Even if I tried to make up for it I can't change the past and will not be able to forgive myself. Some of this shit is unforgivable.
Sorry for spewing this self loathing bullshit.
Anyway I've gotten to the point where I can't handle past decisions I made. And my reasons for wanting to die are pretty superficial and shitty compared to some of the folks here. (I know, comparing shit like that is bad but shitty reasons exist)
So after completely obliterating any hope of being with this certain person I decided to go with the wise decision of splitting my arms open and descending into an alcohol fueled life. Like damn, my arms are marked up lol.
Such an utterly rediculous reason, but it was one of the only people I clicked with in such a way. Or maybe it was my first intimate connection and Im lying too myself. But yea, fucking stupid and irrational to want to kms over.
Next up is how I got my dog euthanized. My parents were splitting up and moving to different abodes. My mother didn't care for my poor pup, but I didn't want to live with my father. My dog was kinda sick but not terminal.
I was so fucking passive and weak in this whole ordeal, lmao yea right its not an ordeal. Anyway,- I was so fucking timid and cowardly. When it came time the vet looked me in the eye and said he could be adopted, I was silent and my dad awnsered for me basically, saying itd be like taking me back to the hospital.
Jesus christ, I was so weak and selfish all I ckuld do is cry pathetically as my beuatiful pup died in my arms. I can't and won't get over how I betrayed him. He was whimpering before we went in and just wanted to fucking play.
I'm just a utterly horrible person who can do no more than wallow in my self pity. I can't live with some of the shit I've done, there is no redemption or way to rectify what I've done.
No matter how I rationalize it I can't accept who I am. Even if I tried to make up for it I can't change the past and will not be able to forgive myself. Some of this shit is unforgivable.
Sorry for spewing this self loathing bullshit.
