It's a little bit of a rant.
My physical health is not so good. But I can function with some "disabilities" like vision impairment and sometimes fatigue and difficult to concentrate all the time.
Stuck at my parents home (flat). But want to live on my own. Which is impossible regardless if I have a real job.
Society and myself make my life as a jail. Cant decide my life. Also no doctor can help me and I dont trust them anymore.
I want to end my life before I get really disabled or bed ridden and I cant function really anymore and I will be depended for majority of things on other people. I reached my end of my twenties. I prefer to leave this world before my 30s and also to avoid having Dialysis, which I will reject regardless (subcounsily as well). My mum who had dialesys and she is has much better physical health and the strongest mental health I ever saw. Dialysis nearly killed her if she did not get a kidney transplant. No thanks. Also Dr. Sten Ekberg (recommend his videos about healthy eating) which is my favourity doctor warns about that.
Also the two (three) CTB method I am indecisive about are medical and mechanical methods.
* Medical: SN or N (most preferred) -> N order over internet failed -> So the possibility now is to go to a foreign country (To south America (Peru?) for N or SN (to Poland or an Eastern European country). Get it there and use it in a hotel in a developing country (non 1st world/western country).
* Mechanical: The Nitrogen with plastic bag method (the one Exit promotes so much / 2nd preferred choice): Need to have my own place (so hotel/airbnb type of flat?). But the logistics and how to set it up. I like this one because it's so much "legal". I can do it myself. I trust more myself. I feel these medication and some companies regarding SN or other CTB stuff want to abuse my situation.
Budget: I have only about 1500 USD. Hard earned. Don't want to loose it and be still alive. I already lost a small amount 100 USD for trying partial hanging. I failed and had to spend some money on medication to treat my hurt throat.
CTB is so tough. You have society against you, but also yourself which can't choose any option. I mean the fasted and easiest method is the train method or jumping from a high place (330+ feet/100+ meter). But these two methods sound dumb (no offense for the people who chose these) and have a somewhat higher fail rate.
I am in a dilemma. The decision on how and the path of ending my life would be easier. if I had more money. More money would be possible with a higher skilled job. But can't get a higher skilled job, because mentally distracted by my health and also wanting to CTB.
Thanks to all who read this. You guys are awesome. It's the only community where I can really open up 100%. You were also in my dreams last night (in a positive dream).
My physical health is not so good. But I can function with some "disabilities" like vision impairment and sometimes fatigue and difficult to concentrate all the time.
Stuck at my parents home (flat). But want to live on my own. Which is impossible regardless if I have a real job.
Society and myself make my life as a jail. Cant decide my life. Also no doctor can help me and I dont trust them anymore.
I want to end my life before I get really disabled or bed ridden and I cant function really anymore and I will be depended for majority of things on other people. I reached my end of my twenties. I prefer to leave this world before my 30s and also to avoid having Dialysis, which I will reject regardless (subcounsily as well). My mum who had dialesys and she is has much better physical health and the strongest mental health I ever saw. Dialysis nearly killed her if she did not get a kidney transplant. No thanks. Also Dr. Sten Ekberg (recommend his videos about healthy eating) which is my favourity doctor warns about that.
Also the two (three) CTB method I am indecisive about are medical and mechanical methods.
* Medical: SN or N (most preferred) -> N order over internet failed -> So the possibility now is to go to a foreign country (To south America (Peru?) for N or SN (to Poland or an Eastern European country). Get it there and use it in a hotel in a developing country (non 1st world/western country).
* Mechanical: The Nitrogen with plastic bag method (the one Exit promotes so much / 2nd preferred choice): Need to have my own place (so hotel/airbnb type of flat?). But the logistics and how to set it up. I like this one because it's so much "legal". I can do it myself. I trust more myself. I feel these medication and some companies regarding SN or other CTB stuff want to abuse my situation.
Budget: I have only about 1500 USD. Hard earned. Don't want to loose it and be still alive. I already lost a small amount 100 USD for trying partial hanging. I failed and had to spend some money on medication to treat my hurt throat.
CTB is so tough. You have society against you, but also yourself which can't choose any option. I mean the fasted and easiest method is the train method or jumping from a high place (330+ feet/100+ meter). But these two methods sound dumb (no offense for the people who chose these) and have a somewhat higher fail rate.
I am in a dilemma. The decision on how and the path of ending my life would be easier. if I had more money. More money would be possible with a higher skilled job. But can't get a higher skilled job, because mentally distracted by my health and also wanting to CTB.
Thanks to all who read this. You guys are awesome. It's the only community where I can really open up 100%. You were also in my dreams last night (in a positive dream).
