Venting can't bring myself to feel ready :(

[sivvie]

I have everything I need, I just feel really anxious these days. While I was ordering everything, I felt excited and ready. Now I'm overthinking it. Like, I genuinely completely don't want to be alive but I don't want my fear to make me mess up.

Before anyone asks me to reconsider, this is what I TRULY want, I just don't want to end up being kicked in the ass by SI. My only fear is failure. (and maybe a bad afterlife hahah; I'm Agnostic)

I want to do it when I feel ready and calm, but I don't know when that will happen. Anyone been through this before? Were you able to do anything about it or was it just time that helped?

 

[waitingforrest]

For me at least, I have attempted so many times, each time I was scared. But eventually, the feelings lessened.

I guess I just came to terms about my death. It took a long time before I realized that my life isn't going to get better. It took a even longer time to understand that my dreams aren't achievable in this life.

I guess I feel okay about ctb because I see it as something freeing. I like the idea of returning back to the ground, where all that is left of me is just the minerals that plants use to grow. In a way, I find that peaceful.

 

[miserableforever]

I have everything I need, I just feel really anxious these days. While I was ordering everything, I felt excited and ready. Now I'm overthinking it. Like, I genuinely completely don't want to be alive but I don't want my fear to make me mess up.

Before anyone asks me to reconsider, this is what I TRULY want, I just don't want to end up being kicked in the ass by SI. My only fear is failure. (and maybe a bad afterlife hahah; I'm Agnostic)

I want to do it when I feel ready and calm, but I don't know when that will happen. Anyone been through this before? Were you able to do anything about it or was it just time that helped?

Many, many years of exactly this. Life keeps getting worse around me. People are literally choking me out and I have to allow all of it cause I am too poor to return home and without a work permit where I live, I can't even work.

 

[Crazy4u]

For me at least, I have attempted so many times, each time I was scared. But eventually, the feelings lessened.

I guess I just came to terms about my death. It took a long time before I realized that my life isn't going to get better. It took a even longer time to understand that my dreams aren't achievable in this life.

I guess I feel okay about ctb because I see it as something freeing. I like the idea of returning back to the ground, where all that is left of me is just the minerals that plants use to grow. In a way, I find that peaceful.

I feel every word of your second statement!!!

 

[miserableforever]

I feel every word of your second statement!!!

I have a ways to go, it seems :(

 

[sivvie]

For me at least, I have attempted so many times, each time I was scared. But eventually, the feelings lessened.

I guess I just came to terms about my death. It took a long time before I realized that my life isn't going to get better. It took a even longer time to understand that my dreams aren't achievable in this life.

I guess I feel okay about ctb because I see it as something freeing. I like the idea of returning back to the ground, where all that is left of me is just the minerals that plants use to grow. In a way, I find that peaceful.

This made me feel calm to read, I agree. Maybe I just need to embrace death and accept that at least I get to choose to exit in my own way, when I could wait and die a much worse and horrible death.

I'm glad to know you're not feeling panicky about it :)

Many, many years of exactly this. Life keeps getting worse around me. People are literally choking me out and I have to allow all of it cause I am too poor to return home and without a work permit where I live, I can't even work.

I'm sorry things have been so difficult for you :( I hope you find peace and solace regardless of whether you stay here or find the means to leave. No matter what, you're supported here so don't feel rushed to come to a decision!

 

[Onthe29th]

I made two attempts that failed already but at least I had time to think before I passed out. With my current method, I have no such luxury unfortunately. Same as you, I was excited to get all the stuff and I felt pretty happy when I finally got all of it but now that I have it, I always seems to have an excuse to delay even though everyday is painful and I cry a lot.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide can be very difficult as we are programmed to survive. The survival instinct is determined to keep us suffering. I think many people are able to overcome this when they are completely desperate and they cannot deal with the pain of living any more. I also fear failure, it is what holds me back. I know that I would only be able to feel calm about it all if I had a reliable, peaceful way to exit. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Julgran]

Being ready is completely up to ourselves - it's like plunging into a deep, dark lake - only you know when you are ready.

 

[Ta555]

I've got the same issue. Afraid of failing (and afraid of the pain too). I think I'm more afraid of the pain because my method is supposed to be pretty lethal. But the fear of failure plays a part too!