Can’t believe this is how I’m spending my 20th birthday

[sadandconfused]

So I turned 20 an hour ago and right now I'm in my room. My situation's complicated. I moved in with this guy who I was kind of seeing but not in a relationship (I so wish we were), but since I moved in he made me move into a separate room and we sleep together a lot less. Well he promised to keep me company and sleep with me tonight but instead he decided to have a FaceTime "sleepover" with his "friend". I just can't (actually I can) believe I mean this little to him. It's fucking depressing. It's my birthday and I'm lying alone in this dark room wanting to cry my eyes out but nothing is coming.

I joined this site like 2 days ago and it's looking like I made the right decision. I can't do this anymore. I can't believe I'm starting a new decade of my life like this

 

[maru.]

So I turned 20 an hour ago and right now I'm in my room. My situation's complicated. I moved in with this guy who I was kind of seeing but not in a relationship (I so wish we were), but since I moved in he made me move into a separate room and we sleep together a lot less. Well he promised to keep me company and sleep with me tonight but instead he decided to have a FaceTime "sleepover" with his "friend". I just can't (actually I can) believe I mean this little to him. It's fucking depressing. It's my birthday and I'm lying alone in this dark room wanting to cry my eyes out but nothing is coming.

I joined this site like 2 days ago and it's looking like I made the right decision. I can't do this anymore. I can't believe I'm starting a new decade of my life like this

I dont know the details of your relationship with him, afterall, this is your first post here. I also have no experience with romantic relationships, so take my advice with a grain of salt, still, I'd like to help in any way I can.

If I were you, I'd be transparent with him, Express these feelings you've just told us to him, sometimes we project our own insecurities into people that like us more than we think, i don't know for sure if that's the case here, I do know that not talking to him about it will leave you forever wondering and agonizing, its not worth it.

Tell him that you would like to be with him, ask him if he feels the same, if he does, wonderful, If he doesn't, it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, he might just not see you in a romantic way, that's all, it's important to get this closure so that you both can move on from it regardless if it's as friends or lovers.

P.S. welcome to this website, I know it's a suicide forum, so it isn't exactly the happiest place on earth, but it's easily one of the most loving, that's for sure, I'm certain that you'll find people here that want to legitimately help, and it will make you feel better, or give you some comfort, you are not alone.

 

[sadandconfused]

I dont know the details of your relationship with him, afterall, this is your first post here. I also have no experience with romantic relationships, so take my advice with a grain of salt, still, I'd like to help in any way I can.

If I were you, I'd be transparent with him, Express these feelings you've just told us to him, sometimes we project our own insecurities into people that like us more than we think, i don't know for sure if that's the case here, I do know that not talking to him about it will leave you forever wondering and agonizing, its not worth it.

Tell him that you would like to be with him, ask him if he feels the same, if he does, wonderful, If he doesn't, it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, he might just not see you in a romantic way, that's all, it's important to get this closure so that you both can move on from it regardless if it's as friends or lovers.

P.S. welcome to this website, I know it's a suicide forum, so it isn't exactly the happiest place on earth, but it's easily one of the most loving, that's for sure, I'm certain that you'll find people here that want to legitimately help, and it will make you feel better, or give you some comfort, you are not alone.

It's really complicated. He knows. He says he loves me too. But "can't" be with me. He's a bit of a player honestly lol but I'm attached. And although we don't have a "relationship" we're still intimate and spent the whole of lockdown together. I was so happy for a bit. I just would never do this to somebody, especially somebody I claim to love, on their birthday. It just feels like the last straw to me. I'm already hanging on by a thread and have went to sleep every night for the past week fantasising about just ending it.

 

[maru.]

It's really complicated. He knows. He says he loves me too. But "can't" be with me. He's a bit of a player honestly lol but I'm attached. And although we don't have a "relationship" we're still intimate and spent the whole of lockdown together. I was so happy for a bit. I just would never do this to somebody, especially somebody I claim to love, on their birthday. It just feels like the last straw to me. I'm already hanging on by a thread and have went to sleep every night for the past week fantasising about just ending it.

Well, if that's the case I'd confront him about it, especially about what just happened so he can give his side of the story, and if he really is interested in this girl, then question him about it, you know?

"Love" is a stronger word than most people think, how can he say he loves you, but not commit due to being too much of a player? He has to be mature and choose if he will be with you, a person he claims to love, or not, so you know if you should stay with him, or find someone else.

 

[sadandconfused]

Well, if that's the case I'd confront him about it, especially about what just happened so he can give his side of the story, and if he really is interested in this girl, then question him about it, you know?

"Love" is a stronger word than most people think, how can he say he loves you, but not commit due to being too much of a player? He has to be mature and choose if he will be with you, a person he claims to love, or not, so you know if you should stay with him, or find someone else.

Thing is not just the one guy (we're both guys btw)... there's countless guys he claims to love lol. I've seen his phone (I know I shouldn't). I guess he's off the hook since he made his intentions clear but he led me on for so long, it's impossible not to get attached.

He should... he's 32! He's done this before, say he can't be with me, but still says he loves me and cares about me. Mostly when he's drunk to be fair. I'm just... obsessed with this guy honestly. He's my first love. It's not the only thing I'm depressed about, I always have been, but when I find one thing that makes me happy I just have to get addicted and it never works out the way I want it to. I've burned bridges with my family over this, lied to them about where I am, literally disappeared in the middle of the night lol. I can't go back home. And if I did it would crush me... cause he's blocked me before and I never even got over it by the time he unblocked me 3 months later
I don't want people to think I'm on this site because of a guy. I was NOT happy before this. He just gave me hope for a while that things could get better... and I got so attached. He was my only source of happiness. It's always the same pattern, it starts off so good and turns into an obsession. I just wish I could be happy. I know a man can't be responsible for my happiness but well... I have nothing else to be happy about.

 

[Walilamdzi]

Sounds like a right twat.

 

[maru.]

Thing is not just the one guy (we're both guys btw)... there's countless guys he claims to love lol. I've seen his phone (I know I shouldn't). I guess he's off the hook since he made his intentions clear but he led me on for so long, it's impossible not to get attached.

First I'd like to apologize if I offended you in any way, I just naturally assume, when talking about relationships, that it's a boy and a girl, I know I shouldn't tho, so I'm sorry.

Now, this thing about him having countless other guys in his life, and that he acts the same way with them as he does with you, is a huge thing to keep in mind.

You're just another one in his list, one out of many, he does not value you in the same way you value him, there is no reciprocation, and no relationship can survive like this, at all. You need to move on, you deserve more than just being someone's option, a true relationship, with commitment, is about being someone's other half.

He should... he's 32! He's done this before, say he can't be with me, but still says he loves me and cares about me. Mostly when he's drunk to be fair. I'm just... obsessed with this guy honestly. He's my first love. It's not the only thing I'm depressed about, I always have been, but when I find one thing that makes me happy I just have to get addicted and it never works out the way I want it to. I've burned bridges with my family over this, lied to them about where I am, literally disappeared in the middle of the night lol. I can't go back home. And if I did it would crush me... cause he's blocked me before and I never even got over it by the time he unblocked me 3 months later

This paragraph, to me, was like looking into a mirror, so I'll try to help in any way I can, I think I can offer something here.

I know what it's like to be overly attached to our first love, my sadness truly became depression the day i got rejected by a girl that, to me, was everything, the first one i ever felt like i actually loved, and only one to this day, it's just so special when you feel it for the first time, it feels like it's meant to be, that this is what life is about, that you might not feel like this for anyone else ever again so we feel the need to make it work no matter what, almost out of desperation, and it's very easy to become codependent on that person, which is a terrible thing to be, and you dont deserve this.

I know it's much easier said than done, but please understand, it's clear that he doesn't value you in the way you deserve, and the more time you waste insisting on him, it's only gonna make you feel more regret when you give up, and it's also gonna be much harder to give up and move on, and you need to move on, there's plenty of fish in the sea, and certainly there's at least one out there that would appreciate this love you can give, and this loyalty and fidelity you have, in a way that this guy clearly never could.

Not saying that you should stop seeing him, you can still be friends, I'm still good friends with this girl, but just, dont insist on the romance, it's clear that your views of love, and his views, are not compatible.

 

[sadandconfused]

Sounds like a right twat.

The other stuff, the lies, etc. I have excused. All this time. But abandoning me like this on my birthday? By contrast, I came here on HIS birthday at the beginning of the lockdown. In the middle of the night, got a taxi 20 miles to his place, without telling my family. And this is what he does for mine. Abandons me. After making me pay for his takeout on the promise that he'd spend the night in my room.

 

[Realityisawful]

Huh, today is my birthday as well. I hope you don't spend your 26th day of birth completely isolated, ready for suicide and concocting a SN cocktail like me.

 

[sadandconfused]

First I'd like to apologize if I offended you in any way, I just naturally assume, when talking about relationships, that it's a boy and a girl, I know I shouldn't tho, so I'm sorry.

Now, this thing about him having countless other guys in his life, and that he acts the same way with them as he does with you, is a huge thing to keep in mind.

You're just another one in his list, one out of many, he does not value you in the same way you value him, there is no reciprocation, and no relationship can survive like this, at all. You need to move on, you deserve more than just being someone's option, a true relationship, with commitment, is about being someone's other half.



This paragraph, to me, was like looking into a mirror, so I'll try to help in any way I can, I think I can offer something here.

I know what it's like to be overly attached to our first love, my sadness truly became depression the day i got rejected by a girl that, to me, was everything, the first one i ever felt like i actually loved, and only one to this day, it's just so special when you feel it for the first time, it feels like it's meant to be, that this is what life is about, that you might not feel like this for anyone else ever again so we feel the need to make it work no matter what, almost out of desperation, and it's very easy to become codependent on that person, which is a terrible thing to be, and you dont deserve this.

I know it's much easier said than done, but please understand, it's clear that he doesn't value you in the way you deserve, and the more time you waste insisting on him, it's only gonna make you feel more regret when you give up, and it's also gonna be much harder to give up and move on, and you need to move on, there's plenty of fish in the sea, and certainly there's at least one out there that would appreciate this love you can give, and this loyalty and fidelity you have, in a way that this guy clearly never could.

Not saying that you should stop seeing him, you can still be friends, I'm still good friends with this girl, but just, dont insist on the romance, it's clear that your views of love, and his views, are not compatible.

It's ok you didn't offend me! Honestly... gay relationships are just impossible. I don't know if there even are any gay guys out there that believe in monogamy... or at the very least honesty.

I know I should move on... I was doing sort of ok until this lockdown and moving in with him. Being around him 24/7. For the first 2 months it was bliss and I really thought we had a chance. I was living in a fantasy. Not anymore obviously.

But the thing about me is I just live in the past. I can't let go of how happy I was then. It was the same the last time we fought and he blocked me. I just spent my every waking moment depressed, remembering how happy he made me before that. I don't wanna go through that again. But I don't have a choice

I just don't think I can survive that again. I don't think I've ever been this bad before... I've never joined a suicide forum before, that's for sure. It just feels like a rollercoaster. I was so happy for months (they went by in what felt like days)... now I'm just so low. It feels like when I was a kid and I came back from a really good trip and I'd be so upset it was over... except this doesn't go away after a few days. I suppose part of me is glad I can have those emotions again. But it hurts so much

Huh, today is my birthday as well. I hope you don't spend your 26th day of birth completely isolated, ready for suicide and concocting a SN cocktail like me.

I'm sorry :( Minus the cocktail we're pretty much having the same birthday. I hope both of our situations improve soon

 

[maru.]

It's ok you didn't offend me!

I'm glad :3

Honestly... gay relationships are just impossible. I don't know if there even are any gay guys out there that believe in monogamy... or at the very least honesty

I'm sure there are, gay marriage would be such a hot topic for some people, for some reason that I cant understand, if they weren't happening, there are gay people out there that want to share their lives with one significant other, this isn't exclusive to straight people, just like the behavior of this guy you're in love with isn't exclusive to gay people, women complain all of the time about "players" and stuff.

I know I should move on... I was doing sort of ok until this lockdown and moving in with him. Being around him 24/7. For the first 2 months it was bliss and I really thought we had a chance. I was living in a fantasy. Not anymore obviously.

I know exactly what you mean, I did the same thing, kept holding on for hopes that clearly were not gonna go my way, but I did it just out of wishful thinking, and because I didn't know what to do with my life if it didn't work out, I understand what you're saying, my friend.

But the thing about me is I just live in the past. I can't let go of how happy I was then. It was the same the last time we fought and he blocked me. I just spent my every waking moment depressed, remembering how happy he made me before that. I don't wanna go through that again. But I don't have a choice

I just don't think I can survive that again. I don't think I've ever been this bad before... I've never joined a suicide forum before, that's for sure. It just feels like a rollercoaster. I was so happy for months (they went by in what felt like days)... now I'm just so low. It feels like when I was a kid and I came back from a really good trip and I'd be so upset it was over... except this doesn't go away after a few days. I suppose part of me is glad I can have those emotions again. But it hurts so much

I'm.sure you can, and will, survive this, as hard as it is.
I know this is generic as fuck, but I seriously think you should talk to a therapist, I see clear signs of codependency here, you dont feel happy and fulfilled by yourself, and so you fall into this trap, either you have hopes of being with someone, or you want to die, and that's so painful.
I was just like you at one point, still am to a certain extent, but I'm a bit better, and it's so much nicer, these feelings you're having, no one deserves to feel them.

 

[Lorntroubles]

Red flags red flags red flags!

You're telling us some things he does that makes you uncomfortable--so it's not ideal for you and deep down you know this.

I don't see him as someone who will try and bend over backwards for you. Really looks like he's testing the waters and going to the buffet.

 

[maru.]

Huh, today is my birthday as well. I hope you don't spend your 26th day of birth completely isolated, ready for suicide and concocting a SN cocktail like me.

Do you need someone to talk too?
We are right here, you dont have to be alone in this.

 

[Sinai Silence]

I know its not what you want to hear right now but I hope you can find a way past him. He's not worth your energy if he isn't going to reciprocate the feelings you have for him. You're worth a lot more than that and are much younger than he is, you will find someone who truly cares about you and can appreciate you.

When I thought I was in love with someone and she just wanted to be friends it took everything out of me and drove me insane. She led me on and made me feel like sh*t all the time, it ate away at me. Your time and energy is valuable, right now its being wasted. I really do relate strongly with what you've said, the only way I can describe it is like a mirage in the desert. He isn't an oasis, he is dirt.

If you find it impossible to be around him in a non-romantic way then the best thing for you is to sever ties now and try to move on. It hurts at first but you will thank yourself for it. Otherwise if you feel you can stay friends with him then that's an option you have too. Get out as soon as you can and try leave it on good terms.

I know it isn't for everyone but you could try dating apps or just apps to talk to and meet people in general. If that's not for you then I'm always up for talking on here and I'm sure many people on the forum would love to talk to you. There is the off topic forum if you just want to chat with people with any interests you have.

Although your 20th isn't what you hoped for I hope you can still enjoy it and I wish you all the best.

Sending many internet hugs to you

 

[sadandconfused]

I'm glad :3



I'm sure there are, gay marriage would be such a hot topic for some people, for some reason that I cant understand, if they weren't happening, there are gay people out there that want to share their lives with one significant other, this isn't exclusive to straight people, just like the behavior of this guy you're in love with isn't exclusive to gay people, women complain all of the time about "players" and stuff.



I know exactly what you mean, I did the same thing, kept holding on for hopes that clearly were not gonna go my way, but I did it just out of wishful thinking, and because I didn't know what to do with my life if it didn't work out, I understand what you're saying, my friend.



I'm.sure you can, and will, survive this, as hard as it is.
I know this is generic as fuck, but I seriously think you should talk to a therapist, I see clear signs of codependency here, you dont feel happy and fulfilled by yourself, and so you fall into this trap, either you have hopes of being with someone, or you want to die, and that's so painful.
I was just like you at one point, still am to a certain extent, but I'm a bit better, and it's so much nicer, these feelings you're having, no one deserves to feel them.

I've considered therapy for a really long time... I'm just so nervous. I'm awful socially. One time I worked up the courage to make an appointment and it just took so much time (literally tried to call them 40 times! Only to be told they weren't taking new appointments) so that was really demotivating. I'm open to medication and anti-depressants though. I applied for online therapy recently but I just can't afford it

I know its not what you want to hear right now but I hope you can find a way past him. He's not worth your energy if he isn't going to reciprocate the feelings you have for him. You're worth a lot more than that and are much younger than he is, you will find someone who truly cares about you and can appreciate you.

When I thought I was in love with someone and she just wanted to be friends it took everything out of me and drove me insane. She led me on and made me feel like sh*t all the time, it ate away at me. Your time and energy is valuable, right now its being wasted. I really do relate strongly with what you've said, the only way I can describe it is like a mirage in the desert. He isn't an oasis, he is dirt.

If you find it impossible to be around him in a non-romantic way then the best thing for you is to sever ties now and try to move on. It hurts at first but you will thank yourself for it. Otherwise if you feel you can stay friends with him then that's an option you have too. Get out as soon as you can and try leave it on good terms.

I know it isn't for everyone but you could try dating apps or just apps to talk to and meet people in general. If that's not for you then I'm always up for talking on here and I'm sure many people on the forum would love to talk to you. There is the off topic forum if you just want to chat with people with any interests you have.

Although your 20th isn't what you hoped for I hope you can still enjoy it and I wish you all the best.

Sending many internet hugs to you

You're right, it's so unhealthy but I just was so unhappy before that. I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm attached to a fantasy. Not that it's making me happy anymore but I'm just scared about losing it. I'm just so attached that I can't think of anybody else... and if I did I would probably just become attached and get hurt again :(

 

[maru.]

I've considered therapy for a really long time... I'm just so nervous. I'm awful socially. One time I worked up the courage to make an appointment and it just took so much time (literally tried to call them 40 times! Only to be told they weren't taking new appointments) so that was really demotivating

I understand.
My first experiences with therapy were terrible too, I just felt more miserable after every session was done, it should be the opposite, but with time things got better, you have to insist, find the right therapist, one that suits you.

I'm open to medication and anti-depressants though.

That's great! Try to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, they're the ones that deal with medication and stuff, it's important to find not only the right meds, but the right dosage.

I applied for online therapy recently but I just can't afford it

Man, that really sucks, I'm so sorry.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I guess he's off the hook since he made his intentions clear but he led me on for so long, it's impossible not to get attached.

I would say that he's not off the hook, but rather that you're on it.

Narcissistic methods cause chemical reactions the same as addiction.

He's done this before, say he can't be with me, but still says he loves me and cares about me. Mostly when he's drunk

His consistent actions reveal his character and are the best predictors of his future actions.

I've burned bridges with my family over this, lied to them about where I am, literally disappeared in the middle of the night lol. I can't go back home. And if I did it would crush me... cause he's blocked me before and I never even got over it by the time he unblocked me 3 months later.

I hear lots of defeat in your posts! You also said you feel like this is the last straw and you have been fantasizing about leaving. Maybe the fantasies will reveal what you are capable of and what are the most reasonable, viable ways of changing your circumstances that don't rely on a loss of self-respect by giving up on or compromising any of your values and needs.

You will never win with him, he won't allow it, he won't agree. Even if you try to set boundaries and stay, the home is his playground, as is the relationship. He will never make space for mutual autonomy, respect, or reciprocity. He has sufficiently proven that he is incapable and/or unwilling. You cannot change that or cure it, because you didn't cause it. It is unreasonable to expect that he will change it or cure it. It is reasonable to start setting a few boundaries without going whole hog as he will immediately try to overcome all boundaries, so the more there are, the bigger the challenge and the more hard-core the assaults on them, both overt and covert. Watch out for pity plays, such as him feeling badly about how he treats you and that he wants to change. If he's not intentionally bullshitting you, he's bullshitting himself, and will fight back against the truth of that, so trying to enlighten him won't work -- again, you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. I respectfully suggest you let him own his stuff, and if he can't or won't, that's his problem; taking it on as your problem just means more problems, and they're not ones you have the power to change. Along with the boundaries, I suggest you reinforce them, and start to empower yourself rather than wallow in defeat (a little indulgence from time to time is okay!), by working on a self-empowered plan to make new living arrangements without being rescued by anyone. It won't happen overnight, but with patience and an attitude of self-care, it can be accomplished. You are vulnerable right now, but vulnerability is the birthplace of creativity and innovation.

You can also suicide if that is your choice. It just doesn't sound like that's what you're truly seeking in this situation. You seem to be seeking an exit from an untenable situation, and I think it's possible there are other ways out. But I don't advise repressing the option, either, just as I think it's unwise to repress wallowing; everything you consider will reveal what potential is underneath it. Repressing only gives things undue power, when sometimes all they need is to be let out to play for a bit -- in your playground.


Sending you compassion and respect.