Venting Can't be genuine

[nicotine_goblin]

So I've started going to day ward again. Decided to give psychiatry another go since I'm not quite ready to ctb any time soon. I feel like it's really pointless, the meds don't fix everything even if there is some effect, and I really hate therapy. The therapists always make me feel like I'm not putting enough effort, which might be true, but I just feel so aimless there, no idea what I'm even supposed to do. Aside from that I'm thinking about suicide and self harm pretty much every day, drink a lot just to fall asleep and not have to deal with reality, but I can't talk about any of that because "if suicidal thoughts get worse we'll have to send you to the regular ward". Regular ward being basically a prison sentence for a couple months where all they do is keep you from hurting yourself by constantly monitoring you. Life feels like a limbo for me, I'm stuck here and I don't know where I will get out.
Sorry if the vent is all jumbled and messy, I just had to get it out somewhere, since once again I can't be genuine even with friends as to not make them worried. Thank you for reading and have a good time of day