Cannot find safety from abuse

[HungryGhost]

I dont even know why I'm writing this or how its going to help me. Im in a really bad place.
I live in a nursing home, I'm 20 but i have brain damage from a brain injury, severe me/cfs, a couple of other chronic diseases. cptsd as well from childhood full of torture and abandonment.

Background A few months ago there was an instance when one of the male nurses here was acting physically violent towards me, he would yell at me and say abusive hurtful things, and he physically hurt me. After the situation he threatened me to keep my mouth shut about it and that nobodys going to believe me if tell someone . Luckily i managed to record (part of it) otherwise it would have been just my word against his.

I reported it..so he got a warning, after that he apologized to me about his behavior and told me he had "miscalculated the situation" and he promised to not to hurt me again. I tought it was so weird becaise when he apologized it felt like i was talking to a different person. It made me think that earlier he might have been drunk or something (he has told me he has an alcohol problem) It felt like he was genuinely sorry.

Now its been a couple of months. he hasn't hurt me again. i still i cannot trust him. He is constantly breaking my boundaries physically - touching me, stroking my hair, face etc etc. Its not sexual but it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. He is a man in his 50s twice my size. I absolutely hate being touched, hugged etc because of the years and years of trauma and abuse. everytime when somebody touches me i just freeze.

I also have severe chronic pain and it really hurts when someone or something touches me, my skin is super sensitive, even the clothes that i'm wearing right now hurts me. I'm in severe pain all the time. He doesn't believe me when i tell him. He says "no you are not hurting, stop exaggerating "

Also because of the covid situation we should be social distancing. Often times he doesn't even wear his mask properly (only covers his mouth) . It makes me so terrified bc i really dont want to get the virus. Im too scared to tell him to stop, I'm terrified that he might get angry again and rape me or something. I'm too terrified to say anything, i just freeze, internally i'm screaming but no words come out of my mouth .This place is a huge facility and the rooms are pretty sound proof, if something happened nobody would even hear me scream.

Im terrified i cannot take this anymore. if something were to happen i cannot defend my self from abuse. I'm at other people's mercy.

I cannot do anything else except to lay still in a dark room 24/7 bc of horrible migraines and sensory overload i cannot tolerate light and sound. im unable to eat or drink by myself,if i was left without care i would be dead in a week. Ive been this way for years. They are keeping me alive against my will, if i refuse food and drink they will force me to be tube fed, bc apparently my body does not even belong to me. I don't know whos it is if not mine- the government's? am i not a person? I cannot take this anymore I have to get out of here. I have to get out. I have to get out. I dont want to die in this place i need to get out of here.
Please kill me

 

[WitheringAway]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. My heart was beating so fast imagining what it would be like to be in your position. You sound extremely strong and aware of your self. I wish there was anything I could do to help you get out of there. My hearts with you. I hope they kick out that nurse and assign someone you feel comfortable with. I feel your pain I'm sorry.

 

[Pryras]

This is horrifying and I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Besides reporting it again is there anyone else you could speak to that you feel comfortable with sharing this? I've seen how they act with my own eyes to some of the residents and it's very degrading and sad

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I would suggest calling the police, not emergency but the unit that would handle sexual assault, and ask for a detective to advise you. If the police do come to talk to you, then that puts a spotlight on this guy, which he doesn't want. Ask them how you can get a restraining order when you're stuck in a facility. Ask for a domestic violence advocate who will keep in touch with you. Demand he keep the door open every time he comes to your room, and scream as soon as he starts to close it. Do it every time. Who cares if people think you're being dramatic if that's what happens. Keep screaming and complaining anyway.

If you haven't already, document every incident, every conversation, every time he says you're not hurting or overrides when you say no. Even if you can't remember every date that's okay.

 

[deadgirlahsatan]

Omg i am so sorry u have to live like that. I wish i could help. Nusing homes are terrible places. I see it on the news . The nurses are cruel.
So sorry u are suffering. The nurse should be arrested. U shouldn't have to suffer in that hellhole.

I'd think like Goodpersoneffed said u could call the police. I hope they help.Not all cops are helpful sadly.

 

[HungryGhost]

I would suggest calling the police, not emergency but the unit that would handle sexual assault, and ask for a detective to advise you. If the police do come to talk to you, then that puts a spotlight on this guy, which he doesn't want. Ask them how you can get a restraining order when you're stuck in a facility. Ask for a domestic violence advocate who will keep in touch with you. Demand he keep the door open every time he comes to your room, and scream as soon as he starts to close it. Do it every time. Who cares if people think you're being dramatic if that's what happens. Keep screaming and complaining anyway.

If you haven't already, document every incident, every conversation, every time he says you're not hurting or overrides when you say no. Even if you can't remember every date that's okay.

Thank you yes i will try to document everything. I'm not sure what i would report since he has not hurt me after the first incident. He has only touched me (non-sexually) Which makes me feel really scared and uncomfortable. I've tried to be as nice as him as possible so he wouldn't get angry and hurt me again.
Idk about the police I've had a couple of bad experiences, like when i was a teen i ran away from my parents to escape from abuse. when the cops caught me they would just force me to go right back,didnt even listen to my explanations. I dont trust them They would probably say I'm overreacting

This is horrifying and I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Besides reporting it again is there anyone else you could speak to that you feel comfortable with sharing this? I've seen how they act with my own eyes to some of the residents and it's very degrading and sad

No i dont have anyone in real life,my only social contacts are the nurses in this shithole facility . the worse your physical/mental state is the worse you will get treated here. When I'm having a bad day i try not to complain about anything because when i do they start to act more cold and degrading towards me. same with some other residents who are bit "out of it" i dont think they see them as humans.

 

[so tired or manic]

Not respecting your boundaries and touching you is a violation in itself. Sadly with how short-staffed nursing homes are, even before covid, the higher ups are so quick to overlook anything that can't be proven a problem. I'm sorry you've fallen under the woodwork. Is there a possibility of switching facilities?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Thank you yes i will try to document everything. I'm not sure what i would report since he has not hurt me after the first incident. He has only touched me (non-sexually) Which makes me feel really scared and uncomfortable. I've tried to be as nice as him as possible so he wouldn't get angry and hurt me again.

I don't mean to put you in more distress when you're already in distress but to empower you.

What he's doing is abusive. He stopped one thing, he is doing another, you are afraid of him, he overrides your boundaries and your definition of your own experience, and he has power. Every time he closes the door he has too much.

The fear you feel is information. It's a guide that tells your protective action is required. Up to screaming if he won't leave the door open. Up to documenting and demanding he be removed from your care. Up to getting a restraining order.

If you are physically incapacitated to the point you cannot run or fight back, you need some kind of protection -- your voice, an advocate, a restraining order, etc.

If I were your advocate, I'd gather all the evidence and documentation, get a restraining order, then demand he be fired or at the very least kept within a certain distance from you.

 

[HungryGhost]

I don't mean to put you in more distress when you're already in distress but to empower you.

What he's doing is abusive. He stopped one thing, he is doing another, you are afraid of him, he overrides your boundaries and your definition of your own experience, and he has power. Every time he closes the door he has too much.

The fear you feel is information. It's a guide that tells your protective action is required. Up to screaming if he won't leave the door open. Up to documenting and demanding he be removed from your care. Up to getting a restraining order.

If you are physically incapacitated to the point you cannot run or fight back, you need some kind of protection -- your voice, an advocate, a restraining order, etc.

If I were your advocate, I'd gather all the evidence and documentation, get a restraining order, then demand he be fired or at the very least kept within a certain distance from you.

I'm trying to this, it was already really hard for me to set boundaries even before i got ill. now its even more so because i'm physically unable to prtoect myself. It makes me feel absolutely powerless. obviosly the power dynamic is in no way equal bc my life and death literally depends on these people

I'm so scared i just shut down and dissociate i'm unable to tell him to stop. I'm stuck in the freeze response, I get paralyzed by the fear i try to to scream but unable to,i dont know how to get my voice back. i'm trapped in every way. I feel like a fucking failure for not being able to protect myself. If i had to imagine hell it would be exactly this,

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm trying to this, it was already really hard for me to set boundaries even before i got ill. now its even more so because i'm physically unable to prtoect myself. It makes me feel absolutely powerless. obviosly the power dynamic is in no way equal bc my life and death literally depends on these people

I'm so scared i just shut down and dissociate i'm unable to tell him to stop. I'm stuck in the freeze response, I get paralyzed by the fear i try to to scream but unable to,i dont know how to get my voice back. i'm trapped in every way. I feel like a fucking failure for not being able to protect myself. If i had to imagine hell it would be exactly this,

I'm so sorry you go through this!

I hope you didn't feel I was invalidating or attacking you. I want to kick this guy's ass, not yours.

 

[HungryGhost]

I'm so sorry you go through this!

I hope you didn't feel I was invalidating or attacking you. I want to kick this guy's ass, not yours.

I didn't feel like you're invalidating or attacking,at all. thank you for the support.

 

[pickajack]

@HungryGhost , Wish we could all charge in and advocate for you. So sorry that this is happening.

 

[HungryGhost]

@HungryGhost , Wish we could all charge in and advocate for you. So sorry that this is happening.

:( I wish. or that i had family IRL who could bail me the fuck out of here

 

[so tired or manic]

@HungryGhost if it's not a bother I would like to keep hearing updates. you can message me if it's easier.
my brother was in a group home and the rules there were ultimately what killed him.
I truly worry about you and hope a desired outcome can be reached.

 

[Brackenshire]

Does your area have a patient's advocate. Make a complaint with the governing association of nursing facilities. You can demain that he not be allowed to work with you

 

[HungryGhost]

@HungryGhost if it's not a bother I would like to keep hearing updates. you can message me if it's easier.
my brother was in a group home and the rules there were ultimately what killed him.
I truly worry about you and hope a desired outcome can be reached.

I'm so sorry about your brother. that's horrible!!!
I swear some of the workers in these kinda places are straight up evil!

I will keep updating. it might take some time to answer because of the constant migraines and sensory overload.

Thankfully the awful nurse hasn't been at work for a few days

 

[pickajack]

I guess its against the rules to request private info, but wish we could have your name and address and mail bomb you with letters and packages. Just to show the staff you are loved and supported and they can't get away with mistreating you.

Glad that nurse is gone for a bit. Hope he never comes back.