I was planning on doing it today, 2 hours from now I'd be drinking SN. I have everything ready but I guess today is not my day. I read a post back from 2022 about a failed attempt with SN and although I have now realised that the person who failed obviously didn't follow the procedure properly, it still scared me enough to return my overthinking and I realised that in my current state I don't have any imminent unavoidable issues, since I'm just living off my parents, nor am I In any particular distress, since it's the weekend so I can stay home and do nothing. My favourite past time is escaping reality. I thought what if I just ordered some really tasty food and laid back to watch a show? So I guess for a little while longer, until the issues I can foresee in the future due to my lack of actions in the present manifest, I will keep escaping reality and eating food during that as I have been doing since 10 years old.
I was so serious about this attempt but I have been home for the past few days since I've been sick and since I'm calmest when nothing is expected of me, haven't been outside to meet my problems, and I can just create misery at my place with no one to bother me, I guess I've been living in my own heaven on earth. Home alone, without having any responsibilities to attend to has always been the happiest place for me so I guess that inadvertently fucked up my attempt that was supposed to happen. But I know, once I'm all cured and have to go outside or else, I will start cutting again, burning again, hating that I can't be vulnerable with anyone, overthinking about that one and only relationship I had, where I could for once in my life be vulnerable with SOMEONE, that I fucked up. It will all return back and so will my passion for CTB-ing I'm sure. Either way, it will happen sooner or later, it surely will.
My dream as a child was that I would just go to work, come back home watch some shows all night and repeat that everyday until I had watched every show on the whole planet. Except, I can't binge like that anymore. I can't connect with the characters, with the protagonist like that anymore. I have developed a dislike for my only past time. I recently found a show that's keeping me somewhat hooked but other than that I usually just watch random youtube videos that won't give my any pleasure but I literally have nothing else I could do except that, sleeping and doom scrolling reddit, maybe TikTok too at times. Oh and stuffing myself with food.
Anyways what am I yapping on and on about myself. I guess I haven't talked about myself like this for over a year now, I'm kind of discovering some things about myself as I write on but I wanted to keep this short so no longer will this text be! I just wanted to say, you can still expect a goodbye thread from me.
won't proofread this or fix the grammar or the sentencing and whatnot so you are getting my thoughts as they came to me, sorry if it's all hard to understand or if some things are missing â•®(ᵕ—ᴗ—)â•
I was so serious about this attempt but I have been home for the past few days since I've been sick and since I'm calmest when nothing is expected of me, haven't been outside to meet my problems, and I can just create misery at my place with no one to bother me, I guess I've been living in my own heaven on earth. Home alone, without having any responsibilities to attend to has always been the happiest place for me so I guess that inadvertently fucked up my attempt that was supposed to happen. But I know, once I'm all cured and have to go outside or else, I will start cutting again, burning again, hating that I can't be vulnerable with anyone, overthinking about that one and only relationship I had, where I could for once in my life be vulnerable with SOMEONE, that I fucked up. It will all return back and so will my passion for CTB-ing I'm sure. Either way, it will happen sooner or later, it surely will.
My dream as a child was that I would just go to work, come back home watch some shows all night and repeat that everyday until I had watched every show on the whole planet. Except, I can't binge like that anymore. I can't connect with the characters, with the protagonist like that anymore. I have developed a dislike for my only past time. I recently found a show that's keeping me somewhat hooked but other than that I usually just watch random youtube videos that won't give my any pleasure but I literally have nothing else I could do except that, sleeping and doom scrolling reddit, maybe TikTok too at times. Oh and stuffing myself with food.
Anyways what am I yapping on and on about myself. I guess I haven't talked about myself like this for over a year now, I'm kind of discovering some things about myself as I write on but I wanted to keep this short so no longer will this text be! I just wanted to say, you can still expect a goodbye thread from me.
won't proofread this or fix the grammar or the sentencing and whatnot so you are getting my thoughts as they came to me, sorry if it's all hard to understand or if some things are missing â•®(ᵕ—ᴗ—)â•
