cancel ctb debrief

[derekWest]

Hi,, on the 17st monday of march 2025 at 9PM (utc+1), i initiate my sn ctb plan.

after 30" (so 10" before sn drink), i decide to cancel all this mess... because i don't felt enouch hopeless to this, i think.
maybe, i just would to be in front of a choice and felt that I CAN choose to still alive or die and fuck this world...

i don't regret too much my decision, moreover, being still alive have this "advantage" to allow to choose again

now, i'm concentrate on my back to work after 4 month' sick leave. and i decide to find some hookups to fuck with love and without be worried about how this life and world are so mess sometimes...

TLTR :

.
PS : i don't find anybody to fuck, i'm so frustrated... but i have some hope to find someone soon. and maybe i will find love too.

 

[derekWest]

2 week after my ctb attempt, i don't regret my decision

i go back to work in part time. collegues was happy to see me back (and me was also happy to see them). i find some hookups on gay dating apps. i found also maybe a friend to go swimming into sea. i'm cycling with my e-bike since weather is very sunny. i'm invested in a association about autism (i transport some furnitures, i contribute to some meeting...)

to conclude, all goes better and i'm quite surprise ! I hope it will goes on.

BUT, i'm still convinced that all may goes worse soon because of wars, geopolitcs issues, economic recession... So, i keep my sn ! I think i will go ctb before 2035.

 

[derekWest]

Almost 2 month after my ctb attempt, I'm quite "happy" to be alive.

I'm in part time and I manage to work but it is sometimes quite hard (fear to not be able to do some task and in time).

I stay suicidal (most of the time). I don't have oxazepram and I sometime want to get it just in case...
My future is so uncertain !

I meet beautiful guy on gay app that make me happy and help me to keep some reason to stay alive.

I stay invested into an association.

 

[CatLvr]

Sounds like even with your suicidal tendencies you are actively looking for reasons to continue on. This is much the same thing that happened to me. I came here looking for a way to die and instead, found reasons to live.

I hope you continue to feel more and more better, as my kids said when they were little. It lightens my heart when I see a Recovery thread such as yours.

 

[derekWest]

Human body is so well constructed ! It is almost impossible to ctb without being really totally hopeless (and when we are hopeless, we are no energy, I think).

I think over and over. And I conclude that my only real reason to live is not my work or my family or my casual activities (swimming, cycling...). No, it is to be loved and love someone NOW (not maybe in several years after a lot of efforts). But, as I'm unable to be engage (fear, uncertainty, lack of self confidence), my only mean is to find hookup (and some kind of friendship)... It seems to work !

Basically, sex help me a lot... It is quite disappointing... I would like to say that I stay alive because I love my work, my family... But no, it is thank my hookup before all.

Family, work, casual activities help me but aren't sufficient for me to be well... It isn't a sufficient condition.

 

[derekWest]

3-month left since my ctb attempt !
time goes by fast !

I'm working part time for 2.5 month ago ! That's great! But I don't think that I will keep going... I feel some pressure at work... that's ridiculous because that don't real : I go to beech every afternoon, see some friends (but not enough), have plenty of free time.

I continue to have some "friends with benefit". But it is not regularly !

I have hope that my situation improve in the next month : more friends, sex, leisure...
But I will probably loose my job...
In my fall, I'm lucky because I have some money and I live with my family. So, I have really the possibility to tests and have fun during at least some years.

I'm still very pessimistic about mid and long term future. Because of climate change, economics crisis, health problems in my family, poverty due to unemployment...

I'm also maybe crazy but sometimes I dream to fall in love of someone and be happy. But it seems quite unrealistic due to my weak psychological condition.

 

[lemonandcapers]

3-month left since my ctb attempt !
time goes by fast !

I'm working part time for 2.5 month ago ! That's great! But I don't think that I will keep going... I feel some pressure at work... that's ridiculous because that don't real : I go to beech every afternoon, see some friends (but not enough), have plenty of free time.

I continue to have some "friends with benefit". But it is not regularly !

I have hope that my situation improve in the next month : more friends, sex, leisure...
But I will probably loose my job...
In my fall, I'm lucky because I have some money and I live with my family. So, I have really the possibility to tests and have fun during at least some years.

I'm still very pessimistic about mid and long term future. Because of climate change, economics crisis, health problems in my family, poverty due to unemployment...

I'm also maybe crazy but sometimes I dream to fall in love of someone and be happy. But it seems quite unrealistic due to my weak psychological condition.

I'm sorry to hear about your job situation. I hope you can find stable employment elsewhere if need be. I understand how disheartening it can be to exist given the current state of the world.

I'm glad you have connected with others. While it might be purely sexual now, I hope you find someone who loves you romantically on top of that. Having poor mental health does not mean you should not be loved. I wish you well.

 

[derekWest]

I'm glad you have connected with others. While it might be purely sexual now, I hope you find someone who loves you romantically on top of that. Having poor mental health does not mean you should not be loved. I wish you well.

Thank you !

I don't see how my poor mental health can be compatible with couple life.
It might be such a crime if I go ctb ! How my partner can bear that ? That's unbearable!

But, I don't know what's future will be. We will see.

 

[sayochan]

I just want to say I liked reading this thread and I am proud of you

 

[derekWest]

I just want to say I liked reading this thread and I am proud of you

Thank you !

Me, I'm not really proud because I almost made a big mistake for no real reasons.
I would do test some solutions before make an attempt.
But, that's so complicated when I'm depressed...

 

[derekWest]

there is 5 month from my 1st ctb attempt. And I thought make another one soon...

I make some nice activities during these 5 month : meet people, have sex, sports, ....
But, I have enough of life. I have bad feelings and sometimes it is less bad (almost good sometimes).
I'm so lazy, don't want to make again some effort. But my mind isn't clear.

I had 1 week holidays and I go back to work today. That's why I'm a little overwhelmed ?

I'm quite pessimistic about my future. I think I will make a 2nd ctb attempt soon.

I have enough to live with my family. I have almost 30yo and I'm not independent.
It is crazy bc I can have my independence but I'm too lazy or I lack of self-confidence to move on.
So I do nothing....

I have enough of me....