I have OCD. And I think a part of my suicidal thoughts comes from OCD. Even if little things in my life go wrong I am thinking about suicide. Moreover I think I might be not fully sane and a part of my suicidality comes from psychosis. Though I have the feeling I make progress with my sanity. Especially during the last 6 months my social skills improved. There were times I was just ill...especially when I did not take my medication.
I am just obsessed by my suicidality. At the moment I feel a little bit better. I have less pressure and I made some progress in life. Why am I still so obsessed about suicide? Probably because I know deep inside myself that I cannot avoid my suicide. I have sometimes the feeling my recovery attempt is just a facade or charade. I don't tell that to my therapist. We would just have a huge argument about that.
Currently I am listening more to Nirvana. I am more curious to learn about Kurt Cobain. Read his suicide note and watched some interviews. I cannot really relate too much to him tbh. I think we are pretty quite different. I rather could relate to Chester Bennington but mostly to David Foster Wallace.
I think I am a very vulnerable person. I am very fragile and sensitive. As I mentioned before I think my limbic system does not work properly. My anxieties can be so easily be triggered. I am always in this high alert state. (I think DFW was in a similar postition.) I am worrying so much. The fact I have no control about my own life always makes me suicidal. I think about what will likely come in my life and I am so scared about it. I think something in my brain is not wired correctly. I never had a basic sense of trust when I grew up. I always was threatened even by my own parents. This is probably the root of my problems. Though the bullying also played a big part in my development. But what do I get from all these analyses. This often cannot solve my problems. However it can be sometimes comforting to know that I am not responsible for this mess.
I should not mourn too much about my feelings. There are many people in this forum who have currently way more pain. But there is always this deep sadness inside myself. These thoughts about my own death. To the question in the title. Yes my suicidality can be extremely easily triggered. I have the feeling sometimes my suicidal thoughts are even kind of a ritual. Especially before I go to sleep I give myself away (surrender) to these thoughts. In the evening I embrace these thoughts because I know they are a part of me. And they will likely accompany me as long as I live.
I am just obsessed by my suicidality. At the moment I feel a little bit better. I have less pressure and I made some progress in life. Why am I still so obsessed about suicide? Probably because I know deep inside myself that I cannot avoid my suicide. I have sometimes the feeling my recovery attempt is just a facade or charade. I don't tell that to my therapist. We would just have a huge argument about that.
Currently I am listening more to Nirvana. I am more curious to learn about Kurt Cobain. Read his suicide note and watched some interviews. I cannot really relate too much to him tbh. I think we are pretty quite different. I rather could relate to Chester Bennington but mostly to David Foster Wallace.
I think I am a very vulnerable person. I am very fragile and sensitive. As I mentioned before I think my limbic system does not work properly. My anxieties can be so easily be triggered. I am always in this high alert state. (I think DFW was in a similar postition.) I am worrying so much. The fact I have no control about my own life always makes me suicidal. I think about what will likely come in my life and I am so scared about it. I think something in my brain is not wired correctly. I never had a basic sense of trust when I grew up. I always was threatened even by my own parents. This is probably the root of my problems. Though the bullying also played a big part in my development. But what do I get from all these analyses. This often cannot solve my problems. However it can be sometimes comforting to know that I am not responsible for this mess.
I should not mourn too much about my feelings. There are many people in this forum who have currently way more pain. But there is always this deep sadness inside myself. These thoughts about my own death. To the question in the title. Yes my suicidality can be extremely easily triggered. I have the feeling sometimes my suicidal thoughts are even kind of a ritual. Especially before I go to sleep I give myself away (surrender) to these thoughts. In the evening I embrace these thoughts because I know they are a part of me. And they will likely accompany me as long as I live.
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