Can someone help, how do you deal with all the pain until you are able to ctb? I really cannot deal with this

[todiefor]

I can't ctb for another month or two as I need to do some final things to make my parents lives better before I go, I promised myself I would do this.

I just don't know how to deal with any of the pain and panic and turmoil that I experience everyday from the moment I wake up. It has been months and it really hasn't subsided. My abuser is gone but everyday I'm so haunted.

How do you make peace with yourself and the decision to ctb? a part of me is still just in shock and disbelief. I can't feel any calm

Please help :(

 

[Akanea]

Writing can help, describing what you are going through on a piece of paper can be quite liberating.
If you can, find a calm place around your neighbourhood, sit on a bench or on the grass, and try to sort out your feeling, put words in your mind about your pain, if what you are feeling right now is warranting the end of your life or not, If taking antidepressant can help, if it is worth it to push on a bit more or not...
If it's not worth it, then anxiolytics can help calm you down, Xanax and all those benzodiazepine drugs. it'll keep your anxiety down until you are ready for the end

Good luck to you, I hope it was useful

 

[todiefor]

Writing can help, describing what you are going through on a piece of paper can be quite liberating.
If you can, find a calm place around your neighbourhood, sit on a bench or on the grass, and try to sort out your feeling, put words in your mind about your pain, if what you are feeling right now is warranting the end of your life or not, If taking antidepressant can help, if it is worth it to push on a bit more or not...
If it's not worth it, then anxiolytics can help calm you down, Xanax and all those benzodiazepine drugs. it'll keep your anxiety down until you are ready for the end

Good luck to you, I hope it was useful

Thank you @Akanea !

You are totally right about the writing, I have written pages and pages of feelings and thoughts, it really helped me get through some of the abuse. I've also written pages and pages of reasonings, pros and cons, scenarios and hypotheticals, I've gone over them repeatedly and also made new ones after a period of time to see if they've changed. it all leads to the same thing.

The drugs I have been meaning to get some but I've been using the little bit of energy I have on sorting things out for my parents and just dealing with my abusers constant demands. I should get them thank you.

 

[Huntfish34]

Main way I've been making peace with myself is through alcohol and numerous drugs. Extremely toxic cycle , I know and understand what you mean. Glad you're abuser is gone though, that counts for Something. ( maybe not much since you are still haunted)

I wish you Nothing but the best in whatever may happen, Godspeed. ♥

 

[Akanea]

Thank you @Akanea !

You are totally right about the writing, I have written pages and pages of feelings and thoughts, it really helped me get through some of the abuse. I've also written pages and pages of reasonings, pros and cons, scenarios and hypotheticals, I've gone over them repeatedly and also made new ones after a period of time to see if they've changed. it all leads to the same thing.

The drugs I have been meaning to get some but I've been using the little bit of energy I have on sorting things out for my parents and just dealing with my abusers constant demands. I should get them thank you.

You should get them yeah fast, it's quite amazing what antidepressant can do when you find the right one, Xanax also work very well.
It's okay if you don't want to answer, but are you being bullied? Are the people you call "abusers", bullies? If so you can call the police, blast them on social media, call journalists about a story of "someone getting bullied in a school and no one does anything about it" would make a good article for them, make your abusers have a taste of what you have been through. Don't let them go scot free, make them suffer.

 

[Unending]

I am a fiend for distractions in all forms. To be fair, the most successful one is the internet for me these days but its really hard. Sometimes I will just lose several hours on the computer but other times I can't get myself to sit still long enough to zone out. The anxiety makes it hard to zone out.

 

[jacrispy]

felt this so much. left the house for the first time since Sunday and all I wanted to do was go home so I could sit in my room with all the curtains shut in the dark. can't go anywhere without having a panic attack. nothing seems to work.

 

[todiefor]

felt this so much. left the house for the first time since Sunday and all I wanted to do was go home so I could sit in my room with all the curtains shut in the dark. can't go anywhere without having a panic attack. nothing seems to work.

I'm sorry, I totally relate to this, I haven't left the house for 2 months except when I couldn't avoid it, and the blinds have been closed during this entire time. I just really don't want to interact with the world at all, it's as if I'm already mourning my death, which makes sense as I had already died spiritually months ago. Now I just want to be dead for real and forgotten

 

[MBG]

Lots of good YouTube videos of Prof Jordan Peterson on theoretical yet practical steps to moderate anxiety and depression. Here's a sample: