Venting Can I talk about this without being judged?

[Circles]

Let me preface to say that I don't judge anyone's reasons as to why they want to kill themselves. Any reason is a valid reason and if not many people will ever understand especially on this site then screw it. I just need to talk about this somewhere.

I want to ctb before my mother dies whom is sick with COPD. Okay now before anyone jumps and judges. I have a small family but it's dysfunctional as fuck. There's myself, mother, grandfather, sister, and brother. I don't know where to even begin. I truly do love my mother but she is selfish as fuck because she let her cigarette addiction get this bad and now everyone is expected to take care of her. Mind you I'm 29 years old. She or my grandfather didn't have to take care of their parents at this fucking age. Hell she has her 86 years old dad, my grandfather, taking care of her even now in her 60s. Me or my siblings will never have that. And I'm fucking sorry god forbid I don't want to take care of my sick parent who doesn't want to do anything to help her situation at this age. And then there's my fucking siblings whom are unhelpful and somehow all the responsibility is being put on ME. Plus I have to deal with doing most of the chores and such cause my sister is lazy as fuck, my brother lives on his own now,, mom is sick of course, and grandfather is old. I feel like I'm a suicidal Cinderella for fucks sake. Like fuck I have to deal with my own problems and none of them care. I feel like ultimately I'm doing all this and they sure as fuck don't care about me. And before anyone says it, YES, I have and continue to voice my opinion about this to them especially my siblings.

I know I'm probably not putting enough information on here so you get the full picture, but I know most people don't read these long posts. I don't know what to do anymore. I've fought off the urge to die for years now and now I just feel like it was all for nothing. Hell the main reason why I stayed this long is for my mother and now I feel like a complete failure of a son. Whatever anyone says or disagrees with there's nothing wrong with wanting ctb before my mother passes. Though at times it feels like I can't wait any longer that doesn't mean I won't try to wait it out till she passes but it's getting overwhelming. Everyone's circumstances are different so please don't judge.
Whatever vent over fuck.

 

[UKscotty]

No one will judge you, no one needs a reason. I'm sure the state will step in and support anyone left behind.

If you want to go, that's your right, no matter what.

Here you will find support whatever you decide to do.

A few people moan that all life is pointless and we should all CTB, those are the same people complaining everyday and doing nothing about it. The forum is generally supportive whatever you decide to do.

 

[pole]

you're far from being a failure of a son.

i cannot blame you for feeling the way you do. you're shouldering the weight of your mother, siblings, everyone including your own problems. that is suffocating.

it sounds exhausting having to live for others. i too believe it is opportune to CTB when my mother passes. but, can i wait that long? i don't think so. i feel like I'll be gone before then in the near future and can feel the end coming.

i think some of us get to a point where it just becomes too much but you also feel nothing at all. what once held you back from CTBing, it's just gone. the exhaustion will eventually consume me and all i will want is peace. i could care less in that moment how it will make others feel because fuck everyone honestly.

it feels like you're an anchor for those around you and eventually, you will hit a breaking point where you're just done. i cannot blame you for feeling the way you do and for a long time, you have continously managed to push forward despite everything. to me, that is far from being a failure of a son.

many people would be grateful to have you as part of their support system in life.

i hope you find peace.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Hugs to you, if you're okay with that. I hear you and understand that you've tried hard and struggled hard. I also am only here for others. Same thoughts: MY life, nobody else's

 

[oblivion_handmade]

I felt this. I'm the same age as you and I feel like this is my future. My family is profoundly fragmented and dysfunctional, and has been for generations. No one has yet broken the chain of neglect, abuse, addiction and religious zealotry - myself included. The only person in my entire family I have any contact with is my mom. She had me in her early 20's, raised me as a single parent, with significant traumas of her own and little to no support system. She is now divorced, in her fifties and works a jobs she hates. She sees me as her retirement plan and expects that I'll take care of her when she is older. She expects me to buy her a house or buy one for myself and let her live out her last days there. My own numerous and obvious issues remain unacknowledged. I don't know anyone my age or younger who reasonably expects or even wants to become a homeowner these days. Our parents and grandparents love to act like it's still 1958 and all you have to do is graduate high school and show up for work on time and your life will be middle class bliss.

 

[randal_bond]

OP, it sounds like your family is putting too much pressure on you, and you're cracking under this pressure. Do you have a job? Can you more out? It was amazing how much lighter I felt when I moved out from my toxic mother. I never knew that life could be so happy, so easy.
You don't have to take care of her. She is an adult and is responsible for her choices in life. Maybe, it's time to put yourself first?

Sorry you're made to bear somebody elses burden. It's so cruel and so wrong. Our parents should support us, not to push us towards CTB.

 

[divinemistress36]

My dad has copd too when he dies I'm going to commit ctb .I understand how you feel

 

[Raindancer]

It sounds like you have compassion fatigue. This is normal for caregivers and it sounds like you have a lot more than that on your plate. I agree with randal_bond. Can you move out or take a long break, take care of yourself. Self care is vital and you have the right to take care of you! I am sorry you have such a burden to carry.