Help Can I her before CTB?

[dcfm]

Tonight is the night. Can I call my ex gf right before CTB, just to hear her voice for the last time, or would it be selfish of me?

 

[wendydong1]

Tonight is the night. Can I call my ex gf right before CTB, just to hear her voice for the last time, or would it be selfish of me?

Not selfish. I planned on ctb around end of October, even made an email appointment with the guy. Made him promise to call me at that time

 

[JimFord99]

Tonight is the night. Can I call my ex gf right before CTB, just to hear her voice for the last time, or would it be selfish of me?

Is she the reason why you want to do it?

 

[dcfm]

Is she the reason why you want to do it?

Yes.

 

[Baskol1]

Yes.

This is not a good reason, in my opinion,

 

[JimFord99]

Nope, I agree.

 

[dcfm]

This is not a good reason, in my opinion,

The other option would be living in misery and daydreaming about her for 50 years, that sounds way worse to me.

Nope, I agree.

You agree I shouldn't CTB or agree I shouldn't call her?

 

[ImSorryEmma]

Hey man I'm in the same boat here, the only difference is I'm going to try one last time to win her back for good, and the method I'm going to do this is pretty unethical and its messed up, I see it as my last stand and the outcome of this ultimately determines my fate so I couldn't care less about the morality of this method I will attempt sometime in the future

However, in my opinion, that's not a good reason to CTB if that is the only reason and if the backstory is pretty generic (i.e she left you for someone else or she cheated on you), it's pretty selfish to me, but hey I'm not here to judge you if you want to CTB because of her then go for it

 

[dcfm]

Hey man I'm in the same boat here, the only difference is I'm going to try one last time to win her back for good, and the method I'm going to do this is pretty unethical and its messed up, I see it as my last stand and the outcome of this ultimately determines my fate so I couldn't care less about the morality of this method I will attempt sometime in the future

However, in my opinion, that's not a good reason to CTB if that is the only reason and if the backstory is pretty generic (i.e she left you for someone else or she cheated on you), it's pretty selfish to me, but hey I'm not here to judge you if you want to CTB because of her then go for it

Thank you for taking your time to reply! I tried to win her back several times, she is totally neutral in my direction, actually she was scared because I showed up at her place and her workplace with flowers. No, I screwed it up, I was rude and selfish and not gentle enough, and that killed our long distance relationship. But at the age of 31, I know that she's the One, and if I can't be with her then I'd rather not be at all.

 

[Codieb1]

If you plan on threatening to kill yourself if she doesn't take you back, that's a terrible, abusive idea. It won't be an actual relationship at all either. You'll end up throwing yourself into a psych ward on meds

 

[Baskol1]

Thank you for taking your time to reply! I tried to win her back several times, she is totally neutral in my direction, actually she was scared because I showed up at her place and her workplace with flowers. No, I screwed it up, I was rude and selfish and not gentle enough, and that killed our long distance relationship. But at the age of 31, I know that she's the One, and if I can't be with her then I'd rather not be at all.

No, just forget her, dont chase women, it only makes you unhappy, believe me. Dont be a pushover.

 

[dcfm]

If you plan on threatening to kill yourself if she doesn't take you back, that's a terrible, abusive idea. It won't be an actual relationship at all either. You'll end up throwing yourself into a psych ward on meds

No, that's not my purpose. I'd like to call her after I've reached the point of no return. I wouldn't want to be with her just because she's afraid of what would happen if she's not with me.

 

[transgenderfailure]

When did the break happen?

 

[dcfm]

When did the break happen?

In April. I met her last week and the week before, just showed up, she was not happy about it.

 

[GreyMonkey]

I get you.
Having been through something similar recently.

I'm lying in bed right now thinking about her. I had insomnia. Woke up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep.

I wanted her so bad. She didn't return the feelings. I started getting more and more anxious. Treating her less and less lovingly. It completely ended 2 weeks ago. But really it was over months before that.

It destroyed me. Since meeting her I've developed an anxiety disorder. Insomnia that I've never had before. And fallen into the biggest depression I've ever been in.

Has me want to exit too. And now I feel angry. I can see one part of me wants her so bad. Yet really I wish I had never met her. My life got so bad meeting her.

And I also see my disorder here. Love addiction is real and it fucks people up big time.

I've never felt so fucked up and I don't know if I can get out of it.

So I hear you.

Don't call her while you are dying though. That's just cruel. And don't tell her you are either. If she didn't want to be with you, let her be. Move on in whatever way is right for you, but let her have her life.

 

[Fordprefect]

Been there, done that.
Don't do it please.
I suggest meeting other girls as much as you can. When you're in this kind of love it's easy to think that this girl is the one and only. Then you have sex / simply go on a date with ten other girls and realize some of them are great or even better.
Just try and go on as many dates as you can.
Believe me, ctb because of unrequited love IS stupid. She won't care. And it's not her fault, she doesn't love you. I've had guys fall in love with me, I didn't love them back, they were in pain, I was mildly uncomfortable. This is how life is. I still can't forget they guy I was in love with 7 years ago. He was straight (well, he wanted to be xD) and just a friend of mine. I was in a very bad place then. Wanted to die as well.
And then I met another guy in a night club, instantly fell in love and you know what? I COULDN'T BELIEVE how much time I had lost suffering. It all changed in a minute. I entered the club a suffering person, I left it elated :)

Don't do it.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

It sounds like an obsession to me @dcfm ...

I'm 55yo , and I've had about five of them .
Still single .

Def tried to off myself over one of them .
The closest I've got .

Is there anyone you can visit to just get a change of focus ?
I was lucky that time and visited an old school friend .
It took my mind off it all for a few important hours .
( Also - they were coincidentally going through some shit )

sorry if I sound a bit harsh .... I don't mean to .

I've been up all night and am about to crash ... and saw your post .

( I was kind of famous for this in my old 'clique' (group of frenemies) way back when )

 

[GreyMonkey]

Those of us who get so intensely preoccupied and obsessed about partners (whether we are men or women) generally suffer from attachment disorders, often with highly anxious styles of attachment.

The extreme form of this is love addiction.

Where the object of love becomes a source of 'high' (basically becoming something to hide the crushing emptiness and lack of self worth we feel inside).

If you ever react intensely when not receiving a text, or at any sign that you might be abandoned... and then go into extreme despair when actually abandoned, often there is abandonment trauma somewhere deep down in the psyche.

When this happens then there is a withdrawl period. Everyone gets it to a degree in a break up, yet those with more significant attachment wounds get it more intensely.

Love withdrawl is as bad as coming off any drug. Except it's largely emotional rather than physiological.

SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous) is a 12 step group that usually has meetings in most cities. It's a good place to connect with others who know this pain. Granted many will be there for sex addiction, a lot of porn addicts, yet there will be those who know the pain of love addiction.

As a love addict I use sex to get love. I made myself into a good lover and sex is pretty much the only time I can really feel loved. It's the time when she is most vulnerable and opens herself.

It's awful and I feel like I'm dying inside. So much shame and confusion. The anxiety somedays is almost unbearable.

 

[wendydong1]

Those of us who get so intensely preoccupied and obsessed about partners (whether we are men or women) generally suffer from attachment disorders, often with highly anxious styles of attachment.

The extreme form of this is love addiction.

Where the object of love becomes a source of 'high' (basically becoming something to hide the crushing emptiness and lack of self worth we feel inside).

If you ever react intensely when not receiving a text, or at any sign that you might be abandoned... and then go into extreme despair when actually abandoned, often there is abandonment trauma somewhere deep down in the psyche.

When this happens then there is a withdrawl period. Everyone gets it to a degree in a break up, yet those with more significant attachment wounds get it more intensely.

Love withdrawl is as bad as coming off any drug. Except it's largely emotional rather than physiological.

SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous) is a 12 step group that usually has meetings in most cities. It's a good place to connect with others who know this pain. Granted many will be there for sex addiction, a lot of porn addicts, yet there will be those who know the pain of love addiction.

As a love addict I use sex to get love. I made myself into a good lover and sex is pretty much the only time I can really feel loved. It's the time when she is most vulnerable and opens herself.

It's awful and I feel like I'm dying inside. So much shame and confusion. The anxiety somedays is almost unbearable.

How do you explain if a person only addicted to one other person, and never before? If I were empty, which I am, I feel lonely deep down inside, wouldn't I be addicted to everyone I met?

 

[Fordprefect]

How do you explain if a person only addicted to one other person, and never before? If I were empty, which I am, I feel lonely deep down inside, wouldn't I be addicted to everyone I met?

Nope. It's pheromones and some fucked up shit in your unconscious mind.
Listen, I'm about to ctb myself but for a completely different reason. Im not against ctb. Just don't do it for nothing man, please don't.
Try drugs for fucks sake if you're really set on dying. Go to a sex club. Anythings better than dying because of a person who doesn't love you back. I know where you are emotionally, this is hell being obsessed with the person who doesn't want to be with you, but it's not you, it's your brain chemistry and attachment style. I've been there multiple times. Don't do it.

 

[dcfm]

I had my fair share of meaningless one night stands a few years ago. Am I addicted to love? Certainly not, I'm a very cold person, I don't care about most people's feelings. But every once in a while, I get emotionally attached, and I just can't let go of that feeling. I just can't hide from my thoughts anymore, I've got a terrible insomnia, I haven't eaten properly in months and I'm not productive at work.

 

[wendydong1]

I had my fair share of meaningless one night stands a few years ago. Am I addicted to love? Certainly not, I'm a very cold person, I don't care about most people's feelings. But every once in a while, I get emotionally attached, and I just can't let go of that feeling. I just can't hide from my thoughts anymore, I've got a terrible insomnia, I haven't eaten properly in months and I'm not productive at work.

I feel.exactly.the same

 

[GreyMonkey]

I had my fair share of meaningless one night stands a few years ago. Am I addicted to love? Certainly not, I'm a very cold person, I don't care about most people's feelings. But every once in a while, I get emotionally attached, and I just can't let go of that feeling. I just can't hide from my thoughts anymore, I've got a terrible insomnia, I haven't eaten properly in months and I'm not productive at work.

Love addiction is not an addiction to anyone or everyone. It is only when an attachment bond forms with a particular person that this overly anxious part emerges.

Major symptoms include a feeling of we will die without them, a tendency to make then the absolute centre of our world and neglect every other aspect of our lives for them, an inability to set boundaries with them, becoming needy with them, becoming hysterical and dramatic whenever there is any hint that they don't like or want us (like extreme sensitivity), always wanting more from them like it's never enough.

People who do not suffer extreme attachment issues will hurt during a break up yet it will not be a cause to want to end life.

Another way love addicts can show themselves is that their entire life is revolved around trying to find a partner. This is the reason for everything, although relationships themselves when they occur are usually very problematic.

A love addict doesn't have to be warm and all lovely and snuggly. Rather another major characteristic of this is that actually a love addict cannot truly experience healthy intimacy. It's like we desperately want love and connection and yet somehow there is always a barrier that can't quite let them into our hearts. This may also manifest with being attached to unavailable people (because the fear of intimacy is there it's easier to be attached to someone unavailable and never truly confront the fact that intimacy terrifies us than it is to be with someone secure who will actually truly be there).

And hey I'm not judging, I'm right there myself. My relationships have sucked. Every time I fall in love with someone I become a complete mess. And when that ends all I can think about is killing myself. Breakups are the most painful thing I can ever imagine. And I have spent the majority of my life desperately trying to find that love.

And sure I've had loads of flings and some one night stands and stuff and that's all been fine. I can handle myself there. It's ONLY when I fall in love that I turn into a complete wreck.

And I don't want to diagnose you or try to tell you that you are or aren't something. I am putting this forward because if you happen to decide not to ctb over this woman it might be worthwhile looking into SLAA meetings and explore attachment dysfunction. It's fucking hard and uncomfortable work, to turn and face all the trapped grief and anger and shame... I know for myself it's either do the work or kill myself. I don't actually know which one is easier. CTB is damn scary if I am honest. I still haven't decided which way I'll go. It changes day by day. Today I'm a little more inclined to want to do the work. It would be nice to have a real and lasting relationship someday without getting triggered as fuck half the time.

How do you explain if a person only addicted to one other person, and never before? If I were empty, which I am, I feel lonely deep down inside, wouldn't I be addicted to everyone I met?

No that's not how it works.

It's only when our attachment system gets triggered. Basically when we meet and fall in love with someone who energetically mimicks our abandonment wounds does the 'addiction' really start to show itself.

Outside of that it might show up in fantasy or longing or yearning or any other kind of process or substance addiction.