Discussion Can I do anything against the unwanted impulses to hurt others?

[HopefulSleep]

I have those feelings since I was 15 when I see others this dumb brain just thinks about hurting them and my body then feels like burning I hate it I want it to stop.
I think it is a defense mechanism from my subconscious cause of the childhood abuse dumb brain.
Dumb therapists and family only judge me and call me evil.
This is the main reason why I will ctb it seems like there is no cure for it, I need to die before I hurt others, it destroys my life.
Abuse is like a virus.
The weird thing is my abuser who I think feels similar acts those feelings out with me and doesn't get any problems but when I tried to ctb cause of it in the past they tortured me in psych ward it doesn't make sense.

 

[DynamicDepression]

I'm very sorry to hear that your family and therapists don't understand or support you and are only making you feel worse. Although I don't know how similar our unwanted impulses are, something that has helped me keep them in check is writing up fantastical scenarios where I use proxies of the people I have the impulse to hurt and then use a proxy of myself to torture them.

For example, if I feel the need to hurt someone, I make up a scenario in my head where a character inspired by them is being hurt by an embodiment of my anger or hatred of them. It sort of helps keep the distance between myself and my impulses. I can view it from a more neutral point of view if that makes any sense.

It's likely not a very good coping mechanism but I only rarely act upon my impulses nowadays because of it so I suppose there is that. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry. That's got to be so hard to live with. For what it's worth though- it sounds like an understandable reaction to want to take revenge on the people who have hurt you. It's natural to feel like an injustice has been done to you and to feel angry about it.

I fortunately don't have a desire to hurt people much but I do get angry now and again and I hate that feeling. My anger is sometimes directed at a person from my childhood who made my life miserable. I find that doing physical exercise while picturing their smug, sly face sometimes helps to relieve that feeling.

As for why they tried to 'save' you after your CTB attempt- I'm no psychologist but I'll give it a guess. If they are a narcissist or sociopath- you may be their greatest source of narcissistic supply. I expect they enjoy having power over you. They may well enjoy seeing you suffer but they want to be in control of that. By trying to CTB- you were taking control- which they probably didn't like.

I can't pretend to understand narcissists because in truth, due to my own personal experience- I tend to despise them. I don't much like seeing them as even human and capable of the more caring emotions. Still- it's all together possible I suppose that they do experience those emotions too. So- I expect your abuser does have a side to them that also does care about you- perhaps. It's got to be so hard to live with though- I'm sorry.

It's sounded in previous posts like you were getting very close to CTB. That has to be your choice of course. If you do happen to decide to stick around longer though- I'd highly recommend you watching a few YouTube channels that deal with CPTSD and narcissistic abuse: 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' and, 'Live Abuse Free.' My childhood made a lot more twisted sense after watching them and realising that a family member was/ is likely a narcissist. If you do decide to stick around- my best advice would be to do all you can to get away from them and cut all ties. Still- I know that's easier said than done.

 

[groucho]

Have you looked up intrusive thought OCD?

 

[HopefulSleep]

I'm very sorry to hear that your family and therapists don't understand or support you and are only making you feel worse. Although I don't know how similar our unwanted impulses are, something that has helped me keep them in check is writing up fantastical scenarios where I use proxies of the people I have the impulse to hurt and then use a proxy of myself to torture them.

For example, if I feel the need to hurt someone, I make up a scenario in my head where a character inspired by them is being hurt by an embodiment of my anger or hatred of them. It sort of helps keep the distance between myself and my impulses. I can view it from a more neutral point of view if that makes any sense.

It's likely not a very good coping mechanism but I only rarely act upon my impulses nowadays because of it so I suppose there is that. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so.

Wrtiting doesn't help.

I'm sorry. That's got to be so hard to live with. For what it's worth though- it sounds like an understandable reaction to want to take revenge on the people who have hurt you. It's natural to feel like an injustice has been done to you and to feel angry about it.

I fortunately don't have a desire to hurt people much but I do get angry now and again and I hate that feeling. My anger is sometimes directed at a person from my childhood who made my life miserable. I find that doing physical exercise while picturing their smug, sly face sometimes helps to relieve that feeling.

I have those impulses for innocents to that doesn't classify as revenge or anger, it is something else.
Being angry feels different from that and it also is not revenge.
It is weird, my subconscious always wants others to feel in pain.

As for why they tried to 'save' you after your CTB attempt- I'm no psychologist but I'll give it a guess. If they are a narcissist or sociopath- you may be their greatest source of narcissistic supply. I expect they enjoy having power over you. They may well enjoy seeing you suffer but they want to be in control of that. By trying to CTB- you were taking control- which they probably didn't like.

I can't pretend to understand narcissists because in truth, due to my own personal experience- I tend to despise them. I don't much like seeing them as even human and capable of the more caring emotions. Still- it's all together possible I suppose that they do experience those emotions too. So- I expect your abuser does have a side to them that also does care about you- perhaps. It's got to be so hard to live with though- I'm sorry.

If they would care for me they would treat me better.

Have you looked up intrusive thought OCD?

That doesn't fully match, it is not only thoughts but this feeling that I need to do it and I am pretty sure it would be utterly satisfying to act on it and I also don't have much empathy.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Wrtiting doesn't help.

I have those impulses for innocents to that doesn't classify as revenge or anger, it is something else.
Being angry feels different from that and it also is not revenge.
It is weird, my subconscious always wants others to feel in pain.

If they would care for me they would treat me better.

That doesn't fully match, it is not only thoughts but this feeling that I need to do it and I am pretty sure it would be utterly satisfying to act on it and I also don't have much empathy.

I agree with you- people who genuinely care don't treat you badly. It's obvious that they are warped in some way. Have you ever seen a therapist or anything? I'm not very clued up with diagnosis. Do you think maybe you have sadist tendancies? Yeah, that's got to be difficult to live with. I'm sorry.

 

[HopefulSleep]

I agree with you- people who genuinely care don't treat you badly. It's obvious that they are warped in some way.

My mother yelled at me when I tried to ctb in the past, not very kind, does this asshole think I want to live then by just making me feel bad?

Have you ever seen a therapist or anything?

Yes multiple and they just judged me they called me creep and what not dor this which is not very professional.

Do you think maybe you have sadist tendancies?

Yes but very extremely it seems.

Yeah, that's got to be difficult to live with. I'm sorry.

I don't have to live with it any longer, I will read about sn and plan the best day to use it I already found a good place.

 

[Forever Sleep]

My mother yelled at me when I tried to ctb in the past, not very kind, does this asshole think I want to live then by just making me feel bad?

Yes multiple and they just judged me they called me creep and what not dor this which is not very professional.

Yes but very extremely it seems.

I don't have to live with it any longer, I will read about sn and plan the best day to use it I already found a good place.

That's just so sad. Seems like you've been let down by everyone around you. I'm sorry.

 

[lachrymost]

I'm sorry you're inundated by these impulses and that you've been mistreated over it. I'm mildly surprised that professionals blamed you, if only because I'd think it was more likely they'd insist you have harm OCD and that it's not your fault--even if that label doesn't quite fit or there's something else going on in addition. You deserve to be listened to without that kind of judgement.

 

[HopefulSleep]

I'm sorry you're inundated by these impulses and that you've been mistreated over it. I'm mildly surprised that professionals blamed you, if only because I'd think it was more likely they'd insist you have harm OCD and that it's not your fault--even if that label doesn't quite fit or there's something else going on in addition. You deserve to be listened to without that kind of judgement.

That is the reason I won't try therapy again I am scared of being judged the words hurt me.