Venting Can feel it coming... alone

[Morning Angel]

I am pretty sure this is my last week of life. Please don't shame me or think I'm some drama queen if not. I already hate that I took this long....and I have been ready for months but I know I will be nervous that last day, for a myriad of reasons.

Today I checked one last thing that could have potentially affected my family financially and learned they would not be responsible for my student loan or medical debt. Relieved to know that since I'm already such a gigantic burden on them as is.

I don't know how to describe how it feels. Restlessness, relief it will all be over soon. Knowing I have nothing left to give anyone but also tempted to talk to someone on my last day. Would you guys be there for me the day of? It's hard. Don't want to put extra pressure on myself but also don't want to spend that last day entirely alone. Seems wrong somehow.

Really glad I have some benzos to calm my nerves before I do it.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I am pretty sure this is my last week of life. Please don't shame me or think I'm some drama queen if not. I already hate that I took this long....and I have been ready for months but I know I will be nervous that last day, for a myriad of reasons. I checked one last thing that could have potentially affected my family financially and learned they would not be responsible for my student loan debt.

I don't know how to describe how it feels. Restlessness, relief it will all be over soon. Knowing I have nothing left to give anyone but also tempted to talk to someone on my last day. Would you guys be there for me the day of? It's hard. Don't want to put extra pressure on myself but also don't want to spend that last day entirely alone.

Really glad I have some benzos to calm my nerves before I do it. It takes nerves of steel.

I will miss seeing you around and I suspect much of the community will too, you are a very articulate and kind, gentle person from where I stand. I will likely be here, no promises but yes, you know we're always around *hugs* I'm sorry to see you go but you have to do what's right for you. Cough syrup is keeping me afloat today, I'm glad the benzos can help comfort you a little at least.

 

[Morning Angel]

I will miss seeing you around and I suspect much of the community will too, you are a very articulate and kind, gentle person from where I stand. I will likely be here, no promises but yes, you know we're always around *hugs* I'm sorry to see you go but you have to do what's right for you. Cough syrup is keeping me afloat today, I'm glad the benzos can help comfort you a little at least.

Thanks. I'm crying a little right now. I appreciate your reassurance.

I know I have to do this though. Wish people would understand this isn't the easy way out.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

Thanks. I'm crying a little right now. I appreciate your assurance.

Aw Angel *I hug you warmly and pat your head gently* I wish there was more we could do in our sadnesses, I'm sorry *holds and pats your head*

 

[Morning Angel]

I hate that I lost so much.
I hate that I can no longer be a productive or independent person in society.
I hate who I have become and there is nothing I can do about it.
I hate that I mattered only to the extent to which I could offer pleasure or comfort to other people.
I hate that I am such a misanthrope now.
I hate that I will be remembered as a toxic person when I tried so hard in my relationships but they all got fucked anyway.
I hate that I didn't do this sooner.

 

[Ben]

I am pretty sure this is my last week of life. Please don't shame me or think I'm some drama queen if not. I already hate that I took this long....and I have been ready for months but I know I will be nervous that last day, for a myriad of reasons.

Today I checked one last thing that could have potentially affected my family financially and learned they would not be responsible for my student loan or medical debt. Relieved to know that since I'm already such a gigantic burden on them as is.

I don't know how to describe how it feels. Restlessness, relief it will all be over soon. Knowing I have nothing left to give anyone but also tempted to talk to someone on my last day. Would you guys be there for me the day of? It's hard. Don't want to put extra pressure on myself but also don't want to spend that last day entirely alone. Seems wrong somehow.

Really glad I have some benzos to calm my nerves before I do it.

Many users, myself included, will be here for you whenever you need us..including up to your last moments. I'm glad a little bit of burden was taken off your shoulders. Whenever you need to talk, my inbox is always open, and your posts will not go unoticed.

I also read your second comment about what you hate. I have my own highlight reel that plays over and over too. Don't hate yourself. Whatever person you think you are now, try to at least give yourself a bit of inner peace. I hate to see people beating themselves up.

Worrying is like a rocking chair, you go back and fourth, back and fourth, but you never get anywhere. It's so hard to deal with anything when your in constant agony. Try just living in the moment. I deal with the right here right now, and try not to let guilt and despair of my past eat me alive.

You will not be without contact if you seek it. I cant promise much, but I can promise that. Much love.

 

[Morning Angel]

Many users, myself included, will be here for you whenever you need us..including up to your last moments. I'm glad a little bit of burden was taken off your shoulders. Whenever you need to talk, my inbox is always open, and your posts will not go unoticed.

I also read your second comment about what you hate. I have my own highlight reel that plays over and over too. Don't hate yourself. Whatever person you think you are now, try to at least give yourself a bit of inner peace. I hate to see people beating themselves up.

Worrying is like a rocking chair, you go back and fourth, back and fourth, but you never get anywhere. It's so hard to deal with anything when your in constant agony. Try just living in the moment. I deal with the right here right now, and try not to let guilt and despair of my past eat me alive.

You will not be without contact if you seek it. I cant promise much, but I can promise that. Much love.

Thank you, Ben. I'm trying, but I know I won't attain full peace about this, mostly because of everything that happened to me the last couple years. Most of the time I'm so exhausted and suffering so much that I don't feel anything else- but for some reason it's just so fucking hard today. I am a brave person, but I'm looking into the void and it's a lot. Guess I'll see if I can take your advice and try to release this intense self hatred before I go. I have no idea how but I will try.

 

[skyofAuroras]

As everyone else has stated, we'll all be here with you in the end. Granted it's not the same as having someone be physically next to you when you do it, but what can you do. I'm sorry life has pushed you into a position where you prefer to leave. You seem like a good person from what I've seen here. No matter what choice you take, or whether you succeed or not, just know I and everyone else are always here for you. If you need to you can send me a message the day of so you don't feel so alone.

 

[Ben]

Thank you, Ben. I'm trying, but I know I won't attain full peace about this, mostly because of everything that happened to me the last couple years. Most of the time I'm so exhausted and suffering so much that I don't feel anything else- but for some reason it's just so fucking hard today. I am a brave person, but I'm looking into the void and it's a lot. Guess I'll see if I can take your advice and try to release this intense self hatred before I go. I have no idea how but I will try.

I understand. Being able to forget or ignore isn't something you can automatically will yourself to do sometimes. I just don't feel anybody deserves to spend their last days filled with self hatred. None of that hateful aura will catch you alone when you come here. I will never agree with why you hate yourself

 

[SamK]

I will miss you so much @MorningAngel. This is so hard. But you are not the mess-up you feel you are. You're a lovely person who will be missed by people who never even met you in person. I'm only one of those people. <3 I agree with ben, I feel you deserve to find some peace within yourself first of all and most important of all. You are so lovely, warm, helpful, friendly ... there's a lot of qualities within you. I think you are great. I hope I can be here for you

 

[Morning Angel]

Thank you all for giving me the benefit of the doubt and for being supportive. I don't know what I'll do next week on the day but I've enjoyed some last friendships on here and some nice people have kept me company over discord/Wire/kik @Xingster, @Gevatsu, @BaconCheeseburger, @Clover, @SamK, @Brokenanddeadinside, @nzdarkshark.

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

Thank you for being here Morning Angel. I only wish the best for you.

It's totally understandable to be anxious about your last day, but we're here with you.

I don't know what else to say, but I'm sending the biggest hug in your direction xx

 

[Morning Angel]

As everyone else has stated, we'll all be here with you in the end. Granted it's not the same as having someone be physically next to you when you do it, but what can you do. I'm sorry life has pushed you into a position where you prefer to leave. You seem like a good person from what I've seen here. No matter what choice you take, or whether you succeed or not, just know I and everyone else are always here for you. If you need to you can send me a message the day of so you don't feel so alone.

Thank you very much, soa.

 

[Morning Angel]

I will miss you so much @MorningAngel. This is so hard. But you are not the mess-up you feel you are. You're a lovely person who will be missed by people who never even met you in person. I'm only one of those people. <3 I agree with ben, I feel you deserve to find some peace within yourself first of all and most important of all. You are so lovely, warm, helpful, friendly ... there's a lot of qualities within you. I think you are great. I hope I can be here for you

You know how I feel about you and our shared struggle. I appreciate you, Sam. Thanks for having kept me company on kik while I had it.

 

[QueenEtna]

I'll be sad to see you go but I hope that if you do decide on doing it that it will be quick and painless and that you find peace.

 

[SamK]

And remember what I said. If for any reason you change your mind on holding off for three weeks i'll still go ahead as planned,
I'll talk to you later ok? vent away all you need
I noticed that the closer it gets , it was the same for me (and is) the more pain I feel because it's a sudden realization that wow. Life has really been messed up and like you say the things you missed out on. I feel the same way. I'm happy for others but knowing i look at my own fate being this I just somehow grieve for the life that never was. But i'm also working on coming to terms and making peace with things as they are. The people that never stayed or burned bridges never deserved a place anyway. The relationships that messed up were not all your fault , anyway <3
The things you didn't do were not all your fault either.. because we're human

Listen to this

Highly Suspect-My name is human

A friend posted this and it struck something within me as well. You know, we make mistakes, we're not bad people, we're hurting people. Now after all we've been through we owe that to ourselves to just one more time , love and forgive all you've done so you can find that peace with you..

I know sounds easier said than done but you can vent to me all you need in the next few days i'll be here

hug hug

 

[Morning Angel]

Thanks for humoring this little breakdown of mine, all. Still nervous about next week but not as much as before.

 

[Morning Angel]

I just thought I'd update you all who commented on this thread. A couple people asked me if I was going this week, if I'm dying today etc. I fully intended to do it today but I had to sort out (and am still sorting through) some massive interruptions.

I don't think there will be (fingers crossed) setbacks now. God I am really hoping. I absolutely cannot ruin November/December for my family, as these are holiday months. I refuse to do it, on top of all the other shame I'll be inviting on them with my death.

Not sure if I'll post a goodbye because I really don't want to be a subject of morbid curiosity. But I still don't want my last moments to be alone.... so I'll cut a compromise of some kind I'm sure.

Love to you all

 

[Miss clefable]

I just thought I'd update you all who commented on this thread. A couple people asked me if I was going this week, if I'm dying today etc. I fully intended to do it today but I had to sort out (and am still sorting through) some massive interruptions.

I don't think there will be (fingers crossed) setbacks now. God I am really hoping. I absolutely cannot ruin November/December for my family, as these are holiday months. I refuse to do it, on top of all the other shame I'll be inviting on them with my death.

Not sure if I'll post a goodbye because I really don't want to be a subject of morbid curiosity. But I still don't want my last moments to be alone.... so I'll cut a compromise of some kind I'm sure.

Love to you all

This is why I don't post good bye posts anymore but hugs Love you too

 

[Morning Angel]

This is why I don't post good bye posts anymore but hugs Love you too

I would say "f what others think" to you but I really get it. Even I care too much what a bunch of people who don't know much about my life think. Oy vey, what it is to be human.

 

[Morning Angel]

Can I get some advice from you guys about something small/stupid?

I intend to destroy my phone right before I do my method. But I also want very much to listen to music as I go. It's so important to me. But I don't have a laptop and my phone is all I have....... ideas? Workarounds?

Also, will dropping a phone in a sink full of plugged water be enough to destroy it completely?

 

[Miss clefable]

I would say "f what others think" to you but I really get it. Even I care too much what a bunch of people who don't know much about my life think. Oy vey, what it is to be human.

Yeah I really shouldn't care what others think I'll be here okay and I understand <3

 

[Miss clefable]

Can I get some advice from you guys about something small/stupid?

I intend to destroy my phone right before I do my method. But I also want very much to listen to music as I go. It's so important to me. But I don't have a laptop and my phone is all I have....... ideas? Workarounds?

Also, will dropping a phone in a sink full of plugged water be enough to destroy it completely?

CD player or streaming depends on the phone

 

[throwaway123]

I am pretty sure this is my last week of life. Please don't shame me or think I'm some drama queen if not. I already hate that I took this long....and I have been ready for months but I know I will be nervous that last day, for a myriad of reasons.

Today I checked one last thing that could have potentially affected my family financially and learned they would not be responsible for my student loan or medical debt. Relieved to know that since I'm already such a gigantic burden on them as is.

I don't know how to describe how it feels. Restlessness, relief it will all be over soon. Knowing I have nothing left to give anyone but also tempted to talk to someone on my last day. Would you guys be there for me the day of? It's hard. Don't want to put extra pressure on myself but also don't want to spend that last day entirely alone. Seems wrong somehow.

Really glad I have some benzos to calm my nerves before I do it.

What's your method?

 

[Morning Angel]

What's your method?

The peaceful pill. N.

 

[throwaway123]

The peaceful pill. N.

Wow that's amazing. Congrats!

 

[Morning Angel]

Wow that's amazing. Congrats!

Thank you, my friend. I honestly wish everyone here could have access to a peaceful option, if they so choose. I held onto my N for over a year up until now. Guess the excitement of having it has worn off.

 

[weedoge]

You're an angel, Angel. <3

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I hope you achieve the outcome you want with peace, serenity and relative comfort. I always wish I could offer up more of myself to those in their final moments but being new here and crap at socializing both online and offline I feel like that is a pipedream. Despite that, I want you and others to know I always spend at least a little time thinking of the person we know is close to the end on here. Best of luck to you.

 

[Morning Angel]

I hope you achieve the outcome you want with peace, serenity and relative comfort. I always wish I could offer up more of myself to those in their final moments but being new here and crap at socializing both online and offline I feel like that is a pipedream. Despite that, I want you and others to know I always spend at least a little time thinking of the person we know is close to the end on here. Best of luck to you.

Being new is no issue, I appreciate the well wishes and I feel you care. Thank you for this.