Can anyone relate?

[Darknessallaround]

Been trying all the things one is expected to do in order to 'get better', meds, therapy, DBT skills, exercise etc, but none of it has worked.

In a last ditch attempt to help myself, am due to start a course of EMDR, but have been asked to 'take suicide off the table'.
I could lie, but I won't. I said I couldn't give a cast iron guarantee but would try.

MH services (in the UK) don't really know how to deal with suicidal ideation, much less treat it. They talk like it's a lifestyle choice, that I could just switch it off if I wanted to. If only it were that easy! But not agreeing to their rules will be reason enough to discharge me from the service as being non compliant. The blame always lies with the client, never the service.

I don't have a good enough ctb plan in place and with the frame of mind I'm currently in, am more likely to fail and end up in a worse position, but I've now reached the point where I've had enough and just want out. However, my mental and physical health has deteriorated so much in the past year that I now don't have the energy to act on my thoughts. This in itself has become very distressing and is making the suicidal ideation worse.

If there is a hell, I'm already there.

 

[LMLN]

I'm so sorry, I can relate. ❤ People act as if it's my choice whether or not ctb is an option. It's not a lifestyle choice, but so many people do not understand. They dont understand the level of pain we are feeling.

 

[k75]

Take suicide off the table, huh? If only it were that easy.

I don't know how it is for everyone else, but for me the suicidal urges and thoughts are at best a tiny whisper in the back of my mind and at worst a constant bombardment that I can't escape from. I have long periods of rumination and obsession about it.

And I can't control any of it no matter how hard I want it to go away. All I can do is try to be strong enough to resist until it dies down to a little whisper again. Sometimes it feels like that'll never happen. And this is WITH medication that helps. It's all so exhausting.