Can anyone relate to my "situation"?

[poff1170]

I think I am writing this post because I am bored and passing time before I find a legitimate method to CTB.

I am curious if anyone can "relate", or find similarities to, my current situation.

I am an autistic college student that is no longer passionate in my studies or anything at all, really.
I don't think that I'm depressed. I don't find anything especially devastating, besides unsavory and violent intrusive thoughts now and then. I remember slapping myself last night to get rid of something in my head… but I can never remember what upsets me when these things happen. I just remember the pain when I slapped myself and cried like a little wuss. Anyways.
I do not have racing thoughts. I don't have panic attacks. I have never SH'd. I technically have gotten close to an autistic meltdown, but it was never that bad. My mental state is not close to as debilitating as others' mental states are, I believe.
On the other hand, I have a few very close friends. I have one QPP. I think I love them, and I am loved by them. I am capable of enjoying things, such as snow and beef gyoza. I am capable of working and cooking and making music. I could potentially lead a somewhat satisfactory life for myself and others.

"Well, Poff, why do you want to commit suicide then? You have some things to live for."
For the most part, I try not to answer this question. Why do I need reasons to CTB? Let me just work towards it, and sooner rather than later.

Sometimes I have shreds of thoughts and reasons to CTB.
Sometimes I think my life is subpar, and not worth living because of this. I suck at doing research. I am very poor at thinking of/understanding abstract concepts, such as morals, politics, "what people deserve", etc. I have recently discovered that I may suck at imagining things as well; whenever I try to visualize something in my head, it appears very grainy and faded, which many other people can do better than I can. I feel that I am not as awake as others are. I feel that I am less alive than others are. Therefore I should CTB.
Sometimes I think there is no point in trying anything (kind of a nihilist take), so I should CTB.
Sometimes I think autistic people should kill themselves, just because.
Sometimes I think I am too small, too weak, to defend myself against literally everyone else larger or stronger than I am. So I should CTB before someone else harms me.

To reiterate, I don't think I have depression. These things that I've stated don't really affect me that much. I don't really care. The most upset I've been is experiencing intrusive thoughts about being stuck in court, or stuck in a hospital, and no one listens to me (and sometimes I'm physically injured or something, idk). Really, I just think this life, this body I was born with, is not really fully capable of living, so I should get rid of it. I think.

What do y'all think of this? Does anyone think like this, or does everyone else have genuine reasons to CTB? /lh

 

[runrabbit]

First and foremost, I'm sorry you're going through this.

It does sound like you have depression, my friend. It doesn't have to be as debilitating as some folks here, myself included, but this sense of generalized "Everything is fine but I'm losing interest in my life, my passions, possibly even the people I love. I think I'm too weak to go on, there's no point in trying" is depression. You should try to reach out to anybody about this at this point, especially if you're unsure about your reasons to CTB.

All that being said, I'm autistic myself, so I do get and relate to a lot of what you've mentioned here, especially the slapping yourself and forgetting what you were upset about. I often hit my head on the wall/floor when having distressing thoughts to forget/force myself to stop. I've said some hurtful things to people I care about during these moments that I can't remember.

You don't really need a specific or "perfect" reason to CTB. If you feel like it's genuinely what you want to do, no one should get in your way. However, you seem to have doubts, and you don't want to regret anything. Definitely do some more research, or even just combing through the site and talking to other people to get your bearings.

I wish you the best of luck, no matter what you choose!

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

im autistic and i think i somewhat relate? when i was in college it really sucked me dry of any passion i had for what i was studying and eventually led to me abandoning any goals for grad school or a career, leaving me directionless and aimless. i do have new passions now though, my own weird autistic special interests drive me.

i also have a heavy indifference and apathy to my problems and suffering. tbh my life is kinda shit but barely anything phases me anymore. between my special interests and this apathy toward suffering, i could continue living without too much difficulty (at least, based on my recent improvements in living situation and well-being, not guaranteed to last tho). and i am staying alive for the forseeable future, but we'll see where that goes in the end.

at that the similarities end. i have multiple mental illnesses, im poor, and im traumatized. i have a lot of 'genuine' reasons to ctb.