Can anyone else not stop thinking about your future corpse?

[ExitiumVitae]

Hello everyone!
Like a lot of people here, I cannot stop thinking about ctb. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep.

The most attractive thing about ctb (what doesn't have to do with my reason for doing it) is what my corpse will look like. I specifically want to hang myself, because I like to think that my body will end up this way. There is something so cold and cruel about having nothing around your body except death ruthlessly gripping you by the neck. I think me ending up that way is what I deserve as the final self-punishment, but I am still excited about it because it means that I will leave the earth.

Is your future corpse something you often like to think about? Or is that something that you'd rather not think about? Perhaps because you think your loved ones will see you that way or simply because it's not that interesting. Let me know!

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I replay in my head over and over how my mother will find my corpse in my bed. It bothers me tremendously.

 

[gottago222]

there is something very eerie but beautiful about hanging, except when the tongue is sticking out LOL
i dont really want anyone who knows me to see my corpse. a closed casket funeral or cremation would be optimal

 

[waitingforrest]

I think about what will happen to me a lot. Mostly just the expenses I will put on my family. I don't really want my family to pay and also have an autopsy done so I probably try to not ever be found. I don't really want to be remembered after death so no gravestones or urns seems to be a pretty bonus.

I kind of feel the same way with hanging, it seems strangely calming. Although SI often stops me, I will probably try something instant instead. Don't really want my family to stop me early.

 

[strangegirl]

I think about this a lot, but I also don't really care what my corpse will look like. I just don't want to traumatize anyone who finds me, but I imagine that will probably happen no matter what method I use

 

[seaweaves]

I don't think too much of my future corpse, but I do think often about my present one: I often look at my reflection, my hands, etc and can't help but mentally strip away my skin, imagine muscles and tendons tearing away, what would happen if a wound was infected and other body-horror-esque changes, and especially focus on the skull hiding behind and shaping my face, which is gradually feeling as equally me as my exterior, etc. I think re-identifying with my body in these different ways (also in other ways as a trans and disabled person) makes me think or worry less about my corpse or dead-bodyself

 

[ExitiumVitae]

I think about what will happen to me a lot. Mostly just the expenses I will put on my family. I don't really want my family to pay and also have an autopsy done so I probably try to not ever be found. I don't really want to be remembered after death so no gravestones or urns seems to be a pretty bonus.

I kind of feel the same way with hanging, it seems strangely calming. Although SI often stops me, I will probably try something instant instead. Don't really want my family to stop me early.

Comforting to see someone who also doesn't want to be remembered after death! I just want my existence to end with the end of my life, not any longer after that. So no talking about me or pictures of me or anything.

 

[senti-mental]

i think about this a lot, mainly because i worry about traumatizing people because my method will likely mangle my body quite a bit.

 

[Wrennie]

I used to think a lot about that, but at this point I'm literally so sickly that it's like my "corpse" is staring back at me every time I happen to catch my reflection in a mirror. It doesn't leave much to the imagination.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I don't think about my corpse because it's not that interesting to me. I more worry about my funeral and how people (my family as I have no friends) will judge how my life went up until the moment I check out.

 

[Heartattackpending]

I don't want to trivialize this topic but when I think about checking out, I can't help but think how I'll probably soil myself. If I ever try and hang myself again, I think I'll wear adult diapers (got the idea from a story I read) but that doesn't really solve the problem, just contains it. I agree, I shouldn't care but for some reason I do.

 

[Ta555]

I don't want to trivialize this topic but when I think about checking out, I can't help but think how I'll probably soil myself. If I ever try and hang myself again, I think I'll wear adult diapers (got the idea from a story I read) but that doesn't really solve the problem, just contains it. I agree, I shouldn't care but for some reason I do.

I think it's a legitimate concern and I think about this too. Just remember it's not that you actively soil yourself it's just that all your muscles, including the smooth muscles of sphincters relax and just let out whatever is in there. If your bladder and bowels are mostly empty there shouldn't be as much...soiling...

 

[height jumper 69]

"my" future corpse won't belong to "me" anymore, it'll decompose with time like everything else

 

[TheUncommon]

I just want my corpse to survive for as long as possible. Hundreds of years into the future, if not thousands.

I explicitly don't want to become maggot food and I don't want to be incinerated into dust. I would want to be fossilised or preserved at a minimum. I feel as I deserve at least to not become... nothingness, as there's a piece of me that still cares about my physical existence. I want a piece of me to survive into the future I always think about, but will never see.

Ironically, I also don't want to be remembered (by people I know) after I die. But I still want to have a presence for the future, even if I can't partake in it. Does that even make any sense?

 

[Blacklight]

I think about this a lot, but I also don't really care what my corpse will look like. I just don't want to traumatize anyone who finds me, but I imagine that will probably happen no matter what method I use

This

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I just want my corpse to survive for as long as possible. Hundreds of years into the future, if not thousands.

I explicitly don't want to become maggot food and I don't want to be incinerated into dust. I would want to be fossilised or preserved at a minimum. I feel as I deserve at least to not become... nothingness, as there's a piece of me that still cares about my physical existence. I want a piece of me to survive into the future I always think about, but will never see.

Ironically, I also don't want to be remembered (by people I know) after I die. But I still want to have a presence for the future, even if I can't partake in it. Does that even make any sense?

Humans have an innate desire to have a presence in the future. That's why we procreate and some people are adamant about having their own children as opposed to adopting. However, I have no kids so I want to be turned into something that will last as well. I like the idea of cremation glass art. I don't want to be forgotten. It makes me sad that I don't have any friends and there would be very few people at my funeral.

 

[Salkak]

Me too can't stop thinking about my corpse. Only thing that's stopping me from CTB right now is thought of my mother and siblings.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does not matter to me as, by that point, I will be dead so I will be unable to experience or feel anything. Death is inevitable and it is a part of life. We will all die eventually. The society should allow euthanasia, nobody should have to find a corpse.

 

[Wingspan]

The thought of my partially hanged body seems quite bathetic actually. But the thought of a shotgun to the head? Gosh its pretty. Not only would it be barely recognizable, depersonalizing myself and lessening the trauma of someone who sees me (as opposed to seeing an intact face hanging from rope) but its extremely satisfying to contemplate. Painless, beautiful, messy, honest.

 

[greencondo]

In what like 100 yrs most everyone alive now will be forgotten about? some short time frame like that. Think of how many relatives came before us that nobody even knows existed outside of maaaybe a name on a family tree chart that few care about. It will be the same for most everyone around you now. I'm fine with it.

I'm fine with being decomposed in the soil, I will be apart of the eco system and that is it's own thing. Here the natural burial cemetery turns you into the rest of the prarie that lives on.

My body (like my other possessions) is just something I am borrowing until I take my last breath, then it goes back to the earth.

 

[Onthe29th]

My corpse? I'm thinking about what going to happen in the days, months and years after my death. I've even cried about it, I'm a mess

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I think about this a lot, but I also don't really care what my corpse will look like. I just don't want to traumatize anyone who finds me, but I imagine that will probably happen no matter what method I use

I hold the same sentiment regarding traumatising others. It makes ctb tricky. I also abhor autopsy which makes it extra tricky.

It does not matter to me as, by that point, I will be dead so I will be unable to experience or feel anything. Death is inevitable and it is a part of life. We will all die eventually. The society should allow euthanasia, nobody should have to find a corpse.

Agreed. I regret I don't live in Belgium. I often wondered what's the odds of me being approved for euthanasia given that I suffer from pcos, bpd and potentially (autoimmune or joint issues). The emotional pain is excruciating on some days.

 

[ashfall]

I think about what will happen to my corpse a lot too. I really don't want to traumatise anyone in my family. Right now my plan is to go to some trees near my house and hide there and take the SN. I'll prearrange a text to be sent to the police after a couple of hours so they'll be the ones to find the body. I want something good to come of my death so I've just signed up to be an organ donor. I know they won't be able to transplant anything if I'm already dead but I don't mind being used for research. Then I think I'd like to be cremated and have my ashes mixed with seeds that will grow into a tree. I think it would be nicer for my family to have a tree to visit than a grave.

 

[HappinessEmbodied]

I mean, there's only so good a body is gonna look after a while. I'd like to think that where I do it will play a part. I wanna dress up my best when it happens. I've seen bodies that have died from SN, they look about as gross as any other. Good luck to anyone who has to transport my body though, yeesh, I'm gonna be states away from the rest of my family when I do it

 

[Message In A Bottle]

I just want it to look presentable for family - So I have to do it in a way I won't be found right away, while also picking a spot where no wild animals will see me as lunch.

I may end up picking a really hard to find spot, and sending out an automated text sharing where to find me.

That way, I won't start to decompose by the time they find me.

 

[downndone2]

I think about this a lot. I dont want anyone to find my rotting corpse.

 

[stupid little girl]

It's not necessarily something I enjoy thinking about, but I like to think about what I'll wear on my deathbed. I've thought about dressing like a victorian goth or something along those lines. I admire the style. I'll be lying on a hotel bed with my arms across my body and my hands on top of each other. Besides that, I haven't given much thought to my corpse. I plan to donate my body to science if they will accept it. Although I have thought about someone needing to identify my body and the reaction someone will make once they find it since I don't plan on ctb at my house. Now that, that I strongly dislike. I know I'll traumatize whoever finds my body and I'll write them a, "I'm sorry" note even though it won't do much. I also think about how my mother had to identify her first husband and I know it will kill her if she had to identify one of her children as well. But she'll probably be the one to identify mine if I go before her.

 

[lofticries]

Depends on the method.

If I'm going out by n or exit bag, no. Since I'm gonna be bloated af regardless if I die by natural causes or not.

But by gun or jumping terrifies me. Which is a shame because these methods are more quick than the ones above.

 

[Heartaches]

Sometimes I think how my corpse would look, it leaves with an eerie feeling, I'm sure it wouldn't be a nice scene for the person who finds me. But at the same time, I don't think my corpse would look much different than I look now, probably just uglier and blue-ish. Still, I don't know why I have a mental image straight out of a horror movie.​

 

[its-about-time]

Do I like to think about it… no. Do I think about it constantly… yes. I have SN and am horrified at the thought of seeing myself blue and dying. Or how blue and grey I'll look once dead. When I first got it, I couldn't look in a mirror without seeing myself as blue and grey… it was so horrifying… it's a little better now, I think I'm coming to terms with it more, but I still don't like how much I think about it. I accidentally saw an autopsy pic of a SN suicide a few weeks ago and it fucking haunts me.