Calm before the storm

[painoflife]

I have always been very good at only allowing people to see me in the way I wish them to do so. I am not one to get upset easily, show strong emotions or anything out of the norm when in public. When I am at home that's a completely different matter. I struggle to deal with thoughts, memories and emotions constantly but only allow myself to show it towards myself.
I have a friend who knows a lot about me and my wishes, and the reasons why. He doesn't agree or approve and has invested a lot of time (which I appreciate more than he will ever know) in trying to get help for me. He has seen me when I am at my most vulnerable and an emotional mess which for me makes it awkward to know how to act around him now. Nothing will help me and nothing can improve my situation. I have experienced things I can't forget or move on from, along with ongoing situations which will never change.
Today this friend asked me how I was doing and told me 'you're looking a lot brighter', to which the only answer I could give was a big grin and a nod. To actually say words that I was doing better would be a lie and all my mind could think was to reply that this is the calm before the storm so I stayed quiet and awkwardly left as soon as possible.
In my mind I haven't set a date and feel it will happen when things feel right. I have a psychiatrist appointment on 20 Jan which I have waited 9 months for, so they can formally diagnose what's wrong with me and give me different medication from what a GP is allowed to prescribe. I have tried many tablets over the years, been to CBT, done counselling, group therapy and one on one stuff but its clear that the problem is me and the way I am. I just am not able to deal with life and everything that comes with it. This formal diagnosis may just be the final straw by giving me confirmation that I am the problem and that things can't get better for me.
I have tried to make things as easy on my partner as possible by showing him how to do stuff I normally do around the house etc, written a list of bills that come out of my account and stuff like that. I have said no to taking on extra long term responsibility so that I don't have to feel like I am leaving people in the lurch. I have done all I can to make the aftermath easier.
I'm scared. Scared of this appointment and what the outcome will mean in my mind.

 

[SugarbushMtn]

Many know how you feel. I could have written that myself.
The appt will not be as big a moment as you fear. Have any others been huge?

 

[painoflife]

Many know how you feel. I could have written that myself.
The appt will not be as big a moment as you fear. Have any others been huge?

Talking to my friend and him working out that a major problem for me is having been raped some years ago was a big and very scary moment. He then encouraged me to say it out loud which I had never done. It doesnt help though and everything just seems to reinforce my thinking that I shouldn't be alive like this.

 

[Skyview]

In public you raise your defense barrier and by doing so I think you are exhausted by the time you arrive home which in no way helps your situation, could be wrong . Is there anything specific that triggers or are you constantly in turmoil at home ?

 

[painoflife]

In public you raise your defense barrier and by doing so I think you are exhausted by the time you arrive home which in no way helps your situation, could be wrong . Is there anything specific that triggers or are you constantly in turmoil at home ?

You are exactly right yes.
Its definately constant. I feel it when i am out anywhere too but just put on a mask and do my best to pretend everything is fine.