Venting Call me selfish

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

My sister had a mental breakdown earlier this week. Her manipulative boss has been giving her a really hard time. Everyone in the family pitched in to help, sharing personal life experiences at the dinner table so as to offer a perspective, and offered words of encouragement to let her know that she is not alone. I am, however, limited in my experience of certain things in life. In the end, the most I could offer was to sit down and listen, and to "show that I care". Then it's get up, excuse myself and leave.

Don't get me wrong. I do care about my sister, and I want only the best for her. I want to see her thrive. To be completely honest however, I don't care enough to want to "get my hands dirty". They say true friends will be there for you through thick and thin, but I'm afraid I'm not ready to wade through the muck with you. I have more than enough on my plate, than to have the added burden of being someone else's therapist.

You may be family, but I have my needs, too.

 

[Spiked_Coffee]

My sister had a mental breakdown earlier this week. Her manipulative boss has been giving her a really hard time. Everyone in the family pitched in to help, sharing personal life experiences at the dinner table so as to offer a perspective, and offered words of encouragement to let her know that she is not alone. I am, however, limited in my experience of certain things in life. In the end, the most I could offer was to sit down and listen, and to "show that I care". Then it's get up, excuse myself and leave.

Don't get me wrong. I do care about my sister, and I want only the best for her. I want to see her thrive. To be completely honest however, I don't care enough to want to "get my hands dirty". They say true friends will be there for you through thick and thin, but I'm afraid I'm not ready to wade through the muck with you. I have more than enough on my plate, than to have the added burden of being someone else's therapist.

You may be family, but I have my needs, too.

I dont really know what to advice in your situation, its a sad story and i am sorry it happened to you. But what i really want to say is that you are not selfish and you shouldnt feel guilty of it, its ok that you feel that you need help and support and be disappointed when you dont get it, its ok to feel those emotions.

Much love and i hope that your situation gets better

 

[jodes2]

It's hard helping people

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

My sister had a mental breakdown earlier this week. Her manipulative boss has been giving her a really hard time. Everyone in the family pitched in to help, sharing personal life experiences at the dinner table so as to offer a perspective, and offered words of encouragement to let her know that she is not alone. I am, however, limited in my experience of certain things in life. In the end, the most I could offer was to sit down and listen, and to "show that I care". Then it's get up, excuse myself and leave.

Don't get me wrong. I do care about my sister, and I want only the best for her. I want to see her thrive. To be completely honest however, I don't care enough to want to "get my hands dirty". They say true friends will be there for you through thick and thin, but I'm afraid I'm not ready to wade through the muck with you. I have more than enough on my plate, than to have the added burden of being someone else's therapist.

You may be family, but I have my needs, too.

Cont'd

The above is not the first time that I'm faced with such a dilemma. Half a decade ago, my sister was enrolled in a music degree programme at an esteemed institution in the United Kingdom. It was barely the first semester in and she was already overwhelmed. When the daily video call wasn't enough to cheer her up, we flew over to the UK (we live half the world away) during the winter break to keep her company. At that time, my (yet diagnosed) lupus was in it's active stage, and I was in the midst of an arthritis flare. As a disclaimer, I'm not trying to compare who has the stronger hand in this game of misery poker, but I was hurting too. I struggled to walk, and was struggling with even the simplest of tasks. My mood was at an all-time low. Despite this however, I kept it all in. For my mother, who was on the verge of a breakdown herself.

Fast forward a year later, my sister was hospitalised for a delirious episode. Having been informed, we went to pick her up at college. She was visibly confused, rambling incoherently and breaking out into uncontrollable crying spells. She would scream hysterically whenever anyone tried to move her. This shocked us to the core, and we were all worried sick and terrified of the prospect that she might never be back to normal. Miraculously and thankfully, she recovered within a few days and was ready to be discharged. But here's the thing, my mother was very clear in her conviction that she was more than prepared to take up full-time caregiving if things do go south.

Selflessness and sacrifice. I don't think I'll ever know what it's like to devote yourself to the welfare of others...

 

[epic]

When the daily video call wasn't enough to cheer her up, we flew over to the UK (we live half the world away) during the winter break to keep her company. At that time, my (yet diagnosed) lupus was in it's active stage, and I was in the midst of an arthritis flare.

That's doing what most wouldn't have done. Give yourself credit.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's not your fault. I think you WOULD be there for her fully if you could but you're struggling yourself. You need to think about you as well. It sounds as if your family are very supportive of her- are they as supportive of you? Can she be supportive of you in return? If you have less support- then it makes it even more important that you make sure you're ok before you try to help her. I'm sorry- it sounds like a very difficult situation.

 

[epic]

From whatever you have written you don't seem selfish at all, you flew to England, you sat down to listen to her problems multiple times.

My sister had a mental breakdown earlier this week. Her manipulative boss has been giving her a really hard time. Everyone in the family pitched in to help, sharing personal life experiences at the dinner table so as to offer a perspective, and offered words of encouragement to let her know that she is not alone. I am, however, limited in my experience of certain things in life. In the end, the most I could offer was to sit down and listen, and to "show that I care". Then it's get up, excuse myself and leave.

Don't get me wrong. I do care about my sister, and I want only the best for her. I want to see her thrive. To be completely honest however, I don't care enough to want to "get my hands dirty". They say true friends will be there for you through thick and thin, but I'm afraid I'm not ready to wade through the muck with you. I have more than enough on my plate, than to have the added burden of being someone else's therapist.

You may be family, but I have my needs, too.

I can understand this situation. When there is too much trauma on your plate and you can't take another serving even if you wished you could.
If it gets too much , just be honest . Say something like " I am on verge of a breakdown and I will go into depression, which isn't good for Lisa (placeholder name for your sister) nor me . I am sorry but I can't come ." Say this both to your parents AND your sister . They would probably understand. You could also add "I will call her in a few days" (only add if you can follow up with this or you will look lazy/disinterested. )
The drawback is you will cause added stress to your parents and your sister and they will have a lot of questions for you.

You could also lie "I could get promoted at work, today is my interview" or "I have my exams on that day" . This won't make your family stressed. I hate lying but sometimes situations force your hand and its the lesser evil.

Third option is bite through it .

 

[theboy]

I would do the same in your situation
Besides, I would feel uncomfortable sharing my perspective on life. Sometimes the wisest thing to do is to keep quiet.

 

[Pluto]

Being there for her is a very valid contribution, and it's not wise to go much further when you are also young and have your own responsibilities to prioritise. Further, if we try and 'fix' people, it can cause a huge mess. There can be resentment if we make suggestions that are not followed through, or conversely, if we are expected to produce a miracle cure but are unable to do so.

That said, in the case of troubles with a boss, the logical pathway would be to find someone in the company who is able to mediate or offer support.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I would do the same in your situation
Besides, I would feel uncomfortable sharing my perspective on life. Sometimes the wisest thing to do is to keep quiet.

So much yes! There's a saying "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." I think those are wise words to live by. As much as I feel suffocated by their stubborn optimism, they're not likely to appreciate my nihilistic views of life, either. Moreover, while I understand the importance of mealtime bonding, sometimes I'm just not in the mood to talk.

 

[theboy]

So much yes! There's a saying "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." I think those are wise words to live by. As much as I feel suffocated by their stubborn optimism, they're not likely to appreciate my nihilistic views of life, either. Moreover, while I understand the importance of mealtime bonding, sometimes I'm just not in the mood to talk.

Yes!
You have to think before you speak

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Further, if we try and 'fix' people, it can cause a huge mess. There can be resentment if we make suggestions that are not followed through, or conversely, if we are expected to produce a miracle cure but are unable to do so.

I couldn't agree more. This is the reason why I feel like I can't talk to my family about my feelings. I know my mother has good intentions, but during conversations she kept cutting in and pushing what she thought was right, much to our exasperation. It was only barely a day after the meltdown, and my mother was already "forcing my sister to cheer up" (she has done this to me before). She was, for the lack of a better way to describe it, "upset that my sister was upset". Not only that, but she also proceeded the conversation in such a way that I thought she was insinuating that my sister was making a mountain out of a molehill.

Whatever happened to "It's okay to not be okay"? I wish my mother knew how suffocating it is not being allowed to feel the way you do. The other day I brought up the fact that there are people who are afraid that no one would miss them when when they're gone. I tried to get her to see that their feelings are completely valid, and that we should try to put ourselves in their shoes. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall.

That said, in the case of troubles with a boss, the logical pathway would be to find someone in the company who is able to mediate or offer support.

Thankfully, my sister did have an ex-colleague that she could trust. They had a heart-to-heart conversation, after which she felt much better.

 

[Pluto]

Whatever happened to "It's okay to not be okay"? I wish my mother knew how suffocating it is not being allowed to feel the way you do.

This is certainly true. Though in fairness, it's a very difficult thing to get right. It seems to take a lot of education to know when to just listen and when to suggest solutions, and even then, people could still revert to simplistic positivity-peddling when suddenly faced with a loved one in distress.

The goal seems to be initially allowing them to just be, then to transition towards a balance of offering validation whilst being constructive enough to prevent them getting stuck in victimhood. Even here, a site largely dedicated to this topic, there's plenty of debate over how to approach the distress of others.

Anyway, credit to you for feeling so much concern for the wellbeing of others!

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

are they as supportive of you?

Supportive, yes. But understanding? I can't say very much. For reasons like the one mentioned in my reply to Pluto, I am reluctant to open up them.

Maybe it's because I seldom complain, everyone assumes that I'm holding up all right. Not that I mind, anyway