Burdened by desire and jealousy

[lili]

Hey,

I'm not sure if this fits in the recovery thread exactly. I've been suicidal for a long time, and a part of me feels like I'm really tired of feeling like this. I had a lot of problems in the past that led me to have this philosophy of life.

I have been trying to stay away from my phone, but I find it's needed for many reasons. I disabled my social media apps, but still find myself searching them on the internet. I was just reading there are a lot of conversations on God here, but I can't really understand. It's so hard for me to see how happy everyone around me is on social media. Not that I desire sadness on them, but it does make me feel like I'm completely unnecessary in this world.

Everyone in my circles is experiencing life in such a great capacity. Traveling, making art and following their dreams. Being with family and love. And people say social media is an illusion, it's not the real picture. But still, even if it isn't the entire real picture, their lives just look so comfortable.

I wish I could have a passport and travel. I wish I was attractive and beautiful. Popular with friends and sociable at gatherings. I wish my room looked nice. I wish I had money. I wish I was skilled and useful in society. I wish I had a loving family and love.

Why are some people so much more lucky than others? I don't understand why life is like this.

I have been lately trying to find a reason to live since I can't kill myself, but looking at my phone and seeing how undeserving I am of life just makes this unbearable for me.

 

[flyingrabbitt]

I wish I knew the answers to why some people are more lucky than others seeing I also got the short end of the stick. In my time processing these feelings I've found just knowing I'm angry and letting myself be angry was very healing, especially at those who hurt me in the past. I surround myself with people in recovery from various mental illnesses because I can feel less alone in recovering from mine, I heavily struggling with loneliness so it helps some.

Unfortunately life isn't fair, there isn't a real reason for this and it shouldn't be like this but the sad fact is that it is and it's something we need to come to accept. I've done a lot of work on radical acceptance (DBT skill) of my past the situations I find myself in especially because I struggle a lot with guilt and shame around them.

I've been suicidal for a really long time too and it is hard to find people like us who are openly recovering, but it is very nice once you find them and manage to get to a point where you feel content with life as it is. I tell myself that I am doing my best and that's all I need to do even if my best means laying on the ground with my animals for 20 minutes before returning to bed. My dms are open if you ever want someone to talk to about recovery, it's worth it.

 

[kogareta]

What you're saying seems relatable to me and I'd like to share my ideas about these.
I've been trying to reduce my screen time: Not that I do anything with my phone/computer, there is just a weird connection that tells me to turn on my computer the moment I wake up and spend all of the day and night in front of it, reading posts of people in imageboards and in forums. I have books I want to read and finish, I have movies that I've promised to see and things to draw for my friend, but my brain keeps pushing me in front of this screen telling me to never go out of this weird comfort zone and never use my intellect for a good goal. I've been more of a hikki since the school took a break. I don't talk to anyone other than my family members and my friend. Maybe I'll start studying soon so I can ditch my phone and my laptop. But see: if you don't have anything to do when you leave your phone, you may get bored and turn back to usage of your phone. You should fill that time hole with things you do, things you enjoy and if not enjoy, things that make you forget of the time and your life. For me this is reading and coding, sometimes studying. I think life is a hole that one should try to fill. It may make you feel better, the feeling of doing something.
I'm sometimes told about some relatives of mine who are doing stuff and I get jealous sometimes. I get a feeling of insufficiency and being outcast. I get deep in thoughts again and again to the extent that my body gets tired of my thoughts. Jealousy normally push me a bit for things, but no, not in this period of my life. I feel like my brain is sick. I've made it sick by thinking that I was sick maybe. But there is a consolation for me. The life is going on everywhere. A mug you leave on air falls everywhere, and people drink and eat everywhere, birds do sing everywhere etc. You and your life is only one which is the one you're experiencing. Try to feel the experience of living, the feeling of time passing and the gravity or the rules of universe as a whole. Just say, life goes on for everyone. You may do things that will help you feel the experience of "living".
I want to travel as well, especially to the villages of northern of my country but it will not happen in near future, maybe never. I'll just wait to see if it happens until I decide I'm done.
An atom can't be in two places, and since we're a bunch of atoms, we can't be in any other place. This may explain why we only know one life, one brain, one body. But asking why you're you is a question I can't answer. Maybe there is a mutual conciousness in the universe but we don't know because our matter can only exist in one place.
A reason to not kill yourself is a thing you may only know by yourself. I hope you'll find a reason to live. I hope that you'll have a better room, that you'll have something comfy to do and earn money with, that you'll have friends you feel you belong. I hope you'll feel a burst of strength in a moment in your life and get all of these. If you do, please pray for me so I can have the power to raise my arm and do things. Sorry if I was weird, have a good time.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Life is so incredibly cruel to some of us, and for no logical reason.
I truly despise the vast amount of inequality that goes on in this evil world.
Evil people can have amazing and privileged lives, yet truly good people can have a life of misery and poverty.
Nothing makes sense anymore in this shitshow world. I can't wait to fucking leave it forever.

 

[Remeer]

Hello, what happened to you also happened to me when I had social networks, it cost me a lot to leave them. first I deactivated them only to return, in the end I could, but it took me years
Envy is normal, at least for me. Before, I constantly compared myself to others, and how not to do it? everyone looks so full and happy, but like you said it's illusionary, a competition over who is "better" or who is more "happy"
I consider that envy is not negative, and expressing it is good, the problem is when you are jealous, wanting the destruction of what the other has
The issue is that I think we are being conditions to have these attitudes, and social networks are a tool for that conditioning.
greetings, be well