I feel like I might actually be living in hell. I started uni in september and I pushed myself to try and socialize as much as I could I think because high school was so lonely and depressing for me. I only did this because I was unaware I was autistic, and so thought by putting myself out there more I'd finally be able to get some kind of social life. In reality I just ended up making a lot of people uncomfortable and missing social cues and not realising. Looking back on it now I cringe so much.
About a month in I tripped on acid and realized I was autistic which was a pretty ego shattering experience but I think would have been a positive thing for me if I didn't simultaneously realize all the ways i'd been made fun of subtly over the past month. It's like my brain replayed a tape and every time I thought someone was being positive or friendly they were really saying something that subtly mocked me, or was saying something that went over my head for the amusement of others. They had gotten nudes of me from fake profiles they set up on grindr thankfully without my face in, and had sent it round. They had been sat in the floor below together and they had made repeated comments to me in person like "We can hear your footsteps" which I thought was just about me being loud maybe but was actually a subtle reference to that. They made mock sexual comments towards me like "nice ass" which again in hindsight was them mocking me but I thought was just them being strange.
They hosted drink "parties" in which the sole goal was to get me drunk. I'd think they were drinking in a group and I wouldn't realize that I was the only one drinking and they were just drinking water. This is the social naivety of autism I think. I'm not sure but I think they might have been spiking the drink because I had really bad stomach issues in the days after. They'd invite people up to the room basically just to observe the autistic r**ard I guess. There's one night in particular where I got blackout drunk and don't remember a good hour and god knows how much of a fool I made of myself then. They had a group chat for the block of flats literally just to talk about me.
They have a newspaper for the college in which literally half the paper is them mocking the way I dressed, or my hygiene, or my "1000 yard stare" which I can't do anything about and is just straight up ableism. But they dress it up in the newspaper in a subtle enough way that I can't report it to the uni.
There are people I thought were close friends who I opened up to and talked about mental health stuff with because they had opened up about similar stuff to me who it turns out have taken quotes from things I've said to them in private and sent them to the group chat. Now I don't trust myself to ever open up or even speak to someone again.
I had no clue about any of this until the acid and I was already having a pretty shit trip because I was in a claustrophobic environment and didn't feel safe. My friend (from highschool) had fallen asleep and I was in my room which is three stories high. I felt like my whole life had been a lie and I was the closest I've ever been to throwing myself out my window. I understand the quote about jumping out a burning building to escape the fire now. I got as far as having my legs on the ledge and I could hear people on the street below yelling at me to jump. No idea if that was a hallucination or not. I think I reasoned I was pretty unlikely to die from a 3 story drop so I chickened out in the end.
Anyway I ended up shutting myself in my room terrified to leave until my parents contacted some mental health person to evaluate me. I told her all about the bullying but she basically just told me I was psychotic which is infuriating because I have text evidence but she didn't really understand the context or the tone of the texts. And I have a hard time communicating my reasoning about it because of my asd.
I left that day as she said I wasn't mentally well enough to stay at uni, and i've been at home since. I'm planning on returning next term and I just know it's going to be hell. I can't escape these people basically the entire college has been bullying me. I plan to become a hermit and just leave my room for the bare essentials. Except they'll probably still find some way to harass me by say knocking on my door. Now i'm having these weekly meetings where I have to convince the mental health advisor i'm not going to kill myself when I return, which is exactly what I'm planning on doing.
I hope to get some sn together before term starts back up and then finish the job on returning. I have no hope of a social life and i'm stuck here for the next 3 years. I feel like charlie from flowers for algernon the way people have bullied and manipulated me.
About a month in I tripped on acid and realized I was autistic which was a pretty ego shattering experience but I think would have been a positive thing for me if I didn't simultaneously realize all the ways i'd been made fun of subtly over the past month. It's like my brain replayed a tape and every time I thought someone was being positive or friendly they were really saying something that subtly mocked me, or was saying something that went over my head for the amusement of others. They had gotten nudes of me from fake profiles they set up on grindr thankfully without my face in, and had sent it round. They had been sat in the floor below together and they had made repeated comments to me in person like "We can hear your footsteps" which I thought was just about me being loud maybe but was actually a subtle reference to that. They made mock sexual comments towards me like "nice ass" which again in hindsight was them mocking me but I thought was just them being strange.
They hosted drink "parties" in which the sole goal was to get me drunk. I'd think they were drinking in a group and I wouldn't realize that I was the only one drinking and they were just drinking water. This is the social naivety of autism I think. I'm not sure but I think they might have been spiking the drink because I had really bad stomach issues in the days after. They'd invite people up to the room basically just to observe the autistic r**ard I guess. There's one night in particular where I got blackout drunk and don't remember a good hour and god knows how much of a fool I made of myself then. They had a group chat for the block of flats literally just to talk about me.
They have a newspaper for the college in which literally half the paper is them mocking the way I dressed, or my hygiene, or my "1000 yard stare" which I can't do anything about and is just straight up ableism. But they dress it up in the newspaper in a subtle enough way that I can't report it to the uni.
There are people I thought were close friends who I opened up to and talked about mental health stuff with because they had opened up about similar stuff to me who it turns out have taken quotes from things I've said to them in private and sent them to the group chat. Now I don't trust myself to ever open up or even speak to someone again.
I had no clue about any of this until the acid and I was already having a pretty shit trip because I was in a claustrophobic environment and didn't feel safe. My friend (from highschool) had fallen asleep and I was in my room which is three stories high. I felt like my whole life had been a lie and I was the closest I've ever been to throwing myself out my window. I understand the quote about jumping out a burning building to escape the fire now. I got as far as having my legs on the ledge and I could hear people on the street below yelling at me to jump. No idea if that was a hallucination or not. I think I reasoned I was pretty unlikely to die from a 3 story drop so I chickened out in the end.
Anyway I ended up shutting myself in my room terrified to leave until my parents contacted some mental health person to evaluate me. I told her all about the bullying but she basically just told me I was psychotic which is infuriating because I have text evidence but she didn't really understand the context or the tone of the texts. And I have a hard time communicating my reasoning about it because of my asd.
I left that day as she said I wasn't mentally well enough to stay at uni, and i've been at home since. I'm planning on returning next term and I just know it's going to be hell. I can't escape these people basically the entire college has been bullying me. I plan to become a hermit and just leave my room for the bare essentials. Except they'll probably still find some way to harass me by say knocking on my door. Now i'm having these weekly meetings where I have to convince the mental health advisor i'm not going to kill myself when I return, which is exactly what I'm planning on doing.
I hope to get some sn together before term starts back up and then finish the job on returning. I have no hope of a social life and i'm stuck here for the next 3 years. I feel like charlie from flowers for algernon the way people have bullied and manipulated me.
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this OP. You're better than me cause I've would've been dropped out. I would seriously consider doing school online or transferring. The way you're being treated isn't okay at all. I hope things work out for you.
