Venting Brothers ctb

[trying2understand]

First of all, I'm sorry for the randomness of this post. I'm writing because I'm not sure how to deal with this feeling alone anymore. I am also telling you in advance that I am going to talk about some mental agony prior to ctb, in case you prefer not to read/think about that.
My young brother used to come to this website, he ctb some months ago. At first I started to come to this site looking for some answers, in his posts but in yours as well in a quite pointless attempt to understand and make sense of what happened. Let me just say that I'm neutral about this community and mean no harm in this post, I am just venting and hoping to get some insights that might help me cope.
Some months before my brother passed he called me and he was very upset,I had never seen him like that before. He was venting about some problems in his life and he said something along the lines of "I feel like everyone would be better of if I wasn't here" and I instantly thought that he was considering suicide, but instead of asking him that and giving him a place to talk about it, I just said that it wasn't true, that I couldn't even imagine life without him but that I was sure it would be very shitty. I was horrified about his words and the thought of ever losing him, and I feel so selfish, because I should've given him a space to talk about these ideas, I should have been more calm and open. After 2h talking he seemed more okay, but he never called me again with these thoughts, and I think that he never did because he probably didn't felt understood.
My time in this website and what what happened to my brother has changed the way I see suicide and life in general. I've been questioning a lot of things. I keep having dreams where I accept the fact that he is going to ctb and that there's nothing I can do about that, we spend a very happy last day and I stay with him until he's gone. Never leaving him alone...
The day he ctb, he tried calling an ambulance and I had access to this call. I don't know if it was the survival instinct or actual regret. The fact was that he was terrified, asking for help, trying to vomit (SN Method), but he eventually realized (because of the symptoms he was having) that the ambulance would not make it there on time. He was sobbing, he kept saying "what have I done, what was I thinking". I heard this call once but I hear it everyday in my head. I can't accept the fact that he was so alone and scared in his last moments and I can't forgive myself for not being there with him. I keep dreaming that I hold his hand, calm him down and tell him that it would be ok. But this is such a weird wish, because I know that if I was there I would do everything to save him. I'm trapped in this thoughts, I feel so selfish for that call, and for the fact that even if I was there, I would't let him do what he wanted. I hate myself so much for not being there for him. I keep trying to see this in a different perspective but I can't... I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to handle this guilt.

 

[whatevs]

It seems he regretted the deed, at least to an extent, when it was too late. That is very sad, and the suicide must've been devastating for your family.

 

[gottago222]

so sorry for your loss. please dont blame yourself, i know its hard. i hope you can get the help you need. i cant imagine the pain you are going through. my condolences to the family

 

[Foresight]

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for approaching this community with respect and honesty. The thing about helping your brother is that you couldn't. Your conversation probably meant a lot to him. Even if someone feels heard or loved it doesn't determine what will happen. Only they can turn the ship around. It's something within an individual. I know humans persist in a social environment but our contentment is found within. I know it's impossible not to go back and have regrets. Please know this is an individual journey. You can't always reach someone. You did as much as a loved one could do. Well wishes, I hope you find healing in your grief. Your story of loss is unfortunately one of the reasons death with dignity should be available. We should be able to have an honest discussion about suicide.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can imagine it must be devastating and painful losing someone. I wish you the best.

 

[completely-done]

Damn it. I'm so sorry. I have no idea what to say to comfort you, but I'm very sorry for your loss

 

[fox_wannabe]

This sound so tragic, I am sorry for your loss.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Please accept my sincere heartfelt condolences for your loss, Tonight l shall light a candle for your brother and pray for him

 

[PDAnnie2610]

First of all, I'm sorry for the randomness of this post. I'm writing because I'm not sure how to deal with this feeling alone anymore. I am also telling you in advance that I am going to talk about some mental agony prior to ctb, in case you prefer not to read/think about that.
My young brother used to come to this website, he ctb some months ago. At first I started to come to this site looking for some answers, in his posts but in yours as well in a quite pointless attempt to understand and make sense of what happened. Let me just say that I'm neutral about this community and mean no harm in this post, I am just venting and hoping to get some insights that might help me cope.
Some months before my brother passed he called me and he was very upset,I had never seen him like that before. He was venting about some problems in his life and he said something along the lines of "I feel like everyone would be better of if I wasn't here" and I instantly thought that he was considering suicide, but instead of asking him that and giving him a place to talk about it, I just said that it wasn't true, that I couldn't even imagine life without him but that I was sure it would be very shitty. I was horrified about his words and the thought of ever losing him, and I feel so selfish, because I should've given him a space to talk about these ideas, I should have been more calm and open. After 2h talking he seemed more okay, but he never called me again with these thoughts, and I think that he never did because he probably didn't felt understood.
My time in this website and what what happened to my brother has changed the way I see suicide and life in general. I've been questioning a lot of things. I keep having dreams where I accept the fact that he is going to ctb and that there's nothing I can do about that, we spend a very happy last day and I stay with him until he's gone. Never leaving him alone...
The day he ctb, he tried calling an ambulance and I had access to this call. I don't know if it was the survival instinct or actual regret. The fact was that he was terrified, asking for help, trying to vomit (SN Method), but he eventually realized (because of the symptoms he was having) that the ambulance would not make it there on time. He was sobbing, he kept saying "what have I done, what was I thinking". I heard this call once but I hear it everyday in my head. I can't accept the fact that he was so alone and scared in his last moments and I can't forgive myself for not being there with him. I keep dreaming that I hold his hand, calm him down and tell him that it would be ok. But this is such a weird wish, because I know that if I was there I would do everything to save him. I'm trapped in this thoughts, I feel so selfish for that call, and for the fact that even if I was there, I would't let him do what he wanted. I hate myself so much for not being there for him. I keep trying to see this in a different perspective but I can't... I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to handle this guilt.

Don't feel bad for that would not be what he would have wished for you. Often we wish we can give our loved ones the best or what they want, but at that moment, it might have been too much.

It's a lot to ask of anyone to let go of their loved ones.

I hope you can come to a peace and forgive yourself. It's not your fault that your brother died. And no one could have predicted how fast help would arrive.

My condolences for your loss..

 

[LateToParty]

I can't imagine what you're going through. Very sorry for your loss.

It is easy to blame oneself, it is easy to see what one could have done differently in retrospect, but we're all human, imperfect, sometimes stupid, sometimes lacking knowledge, emotional resilience or the tools needed to take proper action. Please don't be too harsh on yourself.

Unfortunately suicide is still a taboo subject and that probably contributes to situations like this. People who are granted access to euthanasia are in a much better place where they can assess their situation more clearly, receive input from others instead of isolating themselves.

Again, my condolences to you and your family..

 

[trying2understand]

so sorry for your loss. please dont blame yourself, i know its hard. i hope you can get the help you need. i cant imagine the pain you are going through. my condolences to the family

thank you for your kind words.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for approaching this community with respect and honesty. The thing about helping your brother is that you couldn't. Your conversation probably meant a lot to him. Even if someone feels heard or loved it doesn't determine what will happen. Only they can turn the ship around. It's something within an individual. I know humans persist in a social environment but our contentment is found within. I know it's impossible not to go back and have regrets. Please know this is an individual journey. You can't always reach someone. You did as much as a loved one could do. Well wishes, I hope you find healing in your grief. Your story of loss is unfortunately one of the reasons death with dignity should be available. We should be able to have an honest discussion about suicide.

Of course, no need to say thank you. I understand that this website is not to blame for my loss. Thank you, your words really helped. I feel closer to my brother when using this place, it was the only place where he could be completely open and honest about how he felt, and the answers to his posts were always really kind. I can't help but to wish that the way you see suicide is the way he saw it too, that he didn't blame me and felt loved and heard in that call. I wish suicide would be a more present and accepted topic to talk about, maybe the pain in this situation wouldn't be so much if it was.

Don't feel bad for that would not be what he would have wished for you. Often we wish we can give our loved ones the best or what they want, but at that moment, it might have been too much.

It's a lot to ask of anyone to let go of their loved ones.

I hope you can come to a peace and forgive yourself. It's not your fault that your brother died. And no one could have predicted how fast help would arrive.

My condolences for your loss..

"It's a lot to ask of anyone to let go of their loved ones.". I needed this, thank you. Sometimes scrolling through this website I feel like a really selfish person because I can't accept what happened, it's good to know that it is just my own guilt and not the reality.

I can't imagine what you're going through. Very sorry for your loss.

It is easy to blame oneself, it is easy to see what one could have done differently in retrospect, but we're all human, imperfect, sometimes stupid, sometimes lacking knowledge, emotional resilience or the tools needed to take proper action. Please don't be too harsh on yourself.

Unfortunately suicide is still a taboo subject and that probably contributes to situations like this. People who are granted access to euthanasia are in a much better place where they can assess their situation more clearly, receive input from others instead of isolating themselves.

Again, my condolences to you and your family..

Thank you so much, I really hope that in a near future we can be able to openly talk about suicide so that people don't feel so alone. <3

 

[SofterSoftest]

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Your post moved me to tears, as someone who is really worried about the pain that my family will be left with after CTB. This all sounds devastating, and I just want you to know that you are not to blame. If I talk to my brother about my feelings, I know he would respond very similarly, because he loves me so much and would feel caught off guard and helpless about supporting me through such a deep amount of distress. It is HARD supporting someone with these feelings, especially when we live in a world in which talking about suicide is still deeply taboo and of great consequence, and I can see that you tried very genuinely to express your care and love in spite of that.

I don't have experience with losing anyone to CTB, but when I lost my mom, I remember how scared and distressed she was, and I still replay a lot of her last words in my head. It is normal to do that when we're grieving and it takes many, many years to move through the pain - often in brief moments when we think we're on the 'other side' of the pain, a new wave catches up with us.

Sending you my warmth and care.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

thank you for your kind words.


Of course, no need to say thank you. I understand that this website is not to blame for my loss. Thank you, your words really helped. I feel closer to my brother when using this place, it was the only place where he could be completely open and honest about how he felt, and the answers to his posts were always really kind. I can't help but to wish that the way you see suicide is the way he saw it too, that he didn't blame me and felt loved and heard in that call. I wish suicide would be a more present and accepted topic to talk about, maybe the pain in this situation wouldn't be so much if it was.


"It's a lot to ask of anyone to let go of their loved ones.". I needed this, thank you. Sometimes scrolling through this website I feel like a really selfish person because I can't accept what happened, it's good to know that it is just my own guilt and not the reality.

Thank you so much, I really hope that in a near future we can be able to openly talk about suicide so that people don't feel so alone. <3

Don't feel bad for being human. Losing my best mate to suicide was hard, and it would have been infinitely worse to lose family that you are close to and grew up with. The inability to accept the loss does not mean that you are selfish - you are someone who's grieving.

Be kind to yourself.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I'm sorry for your loss. Good on you for coming on here to try to find answers. Good luck to you.

 

[waitingforrest]

I'm so sorry, loss is never easy, especially if you carry guilt with it. The part when you said you have dreams of him really makes me want to try my best to comfort you. Guilt and grief can affect every aspect of life. It seems like there is no break, even from sleeping.

I know that no matter how many times you hear that it's not your fault, it's still very hard to believe. I still feel guilt from the things I have done in the past, even if everyone tells me it's not my fault. Forgiving yourself doesn't come easy, in someway, I feel like I deserve guilt as punishment.

In some way, I think the pain never goes away, we all just cope with it for the rest of our lives.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Many of us are afraid of being exactly where it seems your brother was. We live in fear of hurting our loved ones, of making that life-ending decision, of being alone and scared.

Did your brother know you could hear?

If so, please see that as a gift you gave to him as he left. He was not truly alone, You hurt with him and wished along with him for a different ending.

That neither of you could stop what had been set in motion is so hard to deal with, and I wish you grace and peace as you go forward.

Please remember to be gentle with yourself. You are suffering, and deserve all of the patience and love you can muster.

You are welcome here. Please feel free to keep posting.