Venting broke, jobless, loveless, and friendless

[Moonbounce]

Fired from my job for quarantining, made to spend the rest of my savings on my brother and father, been single for 7 years with no friends who live in my area anymore.

I am pretty much facing my struggles all alone. I have no valuable life skills or transferable job skills, and my hobbies are slowly losing my interest. The days just go by like every other day. I sit in front of my computer, attempting to get jobs to no avail, listening to music that makes me sadder and reading social media that highlights how much better the lives of others are.

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I recently discovered that the root causes of my mental health issues stem from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to early to middle childhood bullying and parental hostility, Paranoia stemming from the same social struggles, and most of all, Borderline Personality Disorder. Manic highs and lows that are sudden and frequent, growing attached to people to quickly and pushing them away as a result. Needing to cry but can't. Instigating conflict unintentionally by saying things on impulse that I don't mean to say because I don't have a properly working inner monologue. The problem is all of this just makes me look childish. But I can't wear a badge that says "Borderline Personality Disorder patient" or "mental patient" so when things go bad they go bad and I have to take responsibility and curse my mental problems when it's all said and done.
I really, really want to go. But... SI... damn you...

 

[Marchioness]

Fired from my job for quarantining, made to spend the rest of my savings on my brother and father, been single for 7 years with no friends who live in my area anymore.

I am pretty much facing my struggles all alone. I have no valuable life skills or transferable job skills, and my hobbies are slowly losing my interest. The days just go by like every other day. I sit in front of my computer, attempting to get jobs to no avail, listening to music that makes me sadder and reading social media that highlights how much better the lives of others are.

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I recently discovered that the root causes of my mental health issues stem from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to early to middle childhood bullying and parental hostility, Paranoia stemming from the same social struggles, and most of all, Borderline Personality Disorder. Manic highs and lows that are sudden and frequent, growing attached to people to quickly and pushing them away as a result. Needing to cry but can't. Instigating conflict unintentionally by saying things on impulse that I don't mean to say because I don't have a properly working inner monologue. The problem is all of this just makes me look childish. But I can't wear a badge that says "Borderline Personality Disorder patient" or "mental patient" so when things go bad they go bad and I have to take responsibility and curse my mental problems when it's all said and done.
I really, really want to go. But... SI... damn you...

What are your hobbies?

 

[darkness falls]

I'm really sorry. I get it though and I understand how you feel. Esp the alone part. Facing shit alone makes it worse because as social animals we need to relate to others to survive both physically and mentally. And being denied that makes it worse. So much worse.

That SI being what it is will make it that much harder to choose our own final exit from this life. It's very powerful and only the real brave imo overcome it enough to ctb. All the stigmas attached to it don't help either.

Sending you as much light and healing energy as I can afford to send right now. You're not alone. I hope that's some kind of consolation, however small.

 

[SmellyRat]

What are your hobbies?

Getting drunk
Used to play league of legends, but eventually video games get boring very fast

 

[Umbrellaterm]

and reading social media that highlights how much better the lives of others are.

And you believe these posts?
They're accurate?

 

[SmellyRat]

Alot of people on social media like to portray they have perfect lives, but inside some of them could be completely miserable.

 

[NeverGrowUp]

Fired from my job for quarantining, made to spend the rest of my savings on my brother and father, been single for 7 years with no friends who live in my area anymore.

I am pretty much facing my struggles all alone. I have no valuable life skills or transferable job skills, and my hobbies are slowly losing my interest. The days just go by like every other day. I sit in front of my computer, attempting to get jobs to no avail, listening to music that makes me sadder and reading social media that highlights how much better the lives of others are.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I recently discovered that the root causes of my mental health issues stem from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to early to middle childhood bullying and parental hostility, Paranoia stemming from the same social struggles, and most of all, Borderline Personality Disorder. Manic highs and lows that are sudden and frequent, growing attached to people to quickly and pushing them away as a result. Needing to cry but can't. Instigating conflict unintentionally by saying things on impulse that I don't mean to say because I don't have a properly working inner monologue. The problem is all of this just makes me look childish. But I can't wear a badge that says "Borderline Personality Disorder patient" or "mental patient" so when things go bad they go bad and I have to take responsibility and curse my mental problems when it's all said and done.
I really, really want to go. But... SI... damn you...

Having BPD I really relate to most all of this, isolating myself from any relationships and sitting around alone in a kind of limbo. At least you're looking for jobs! I can't even fathom working at any point in my life full-time in addition to dealing with this stuff. Try to stay off social media (i'm really bad about this too) people never show the shitty parts of their lives. My instagram would have you believe I'm a wealthy jet-set superstar who has tons of friends and is on top of the world, when in reality I'm a university dropout who has never been truly happy in his entire life and is trying to get on SSI, so take everything you see with a grain of salt.

 

[Good4Nothing]

REALLY relate to the second half of your post. That's BPD me...

 

[Moonbounce]

Thank you all for the kind words. It really is difficult not to compare your own life to others, and staying off social media can be hard because that is often how I stay up to date on things.

Hobbies... hobbies... playing games, playing guitar, drawing, writing. These things just struggle to capture my interest these days and I hate it. But that's part of the problem with having no valuable transferable skills.