Discussion Brief(long) introduction.

[Eclipsed24]

Hello there, you can call me Nexus here. I've been living 34 almost 35 years now and have attempted 3 failures attempts.

First of all I'm not depressed nor had a "bad" life or a problem drived intention to do it.

I was 13 the first time I've attempted to med mix poisoning with every shit I've found lots of benzodiacepines, analgesics, anticoagulants, etc... mixed with alcohol.

Don't know why even they were at least 3 full boxes of diazepam. But I've just woke up next morning feeling dizzy and anything else, suddenly fade out and hospital and got a gastric wash.

In order to let you guys know a little more about me, after that I was diagnosed with ADHD and a really high IQ over 157 that includes a Permanent Mental Hyperactivity, so well, slept only bout four hours per night since eight, I've lived in just in front a cemetery so I've escaped there sometimes to watch the stars and think a lot about the nature of everything.

In some moment I've got to the conclusion that, if there is no spiritual realm, no God, no higher dimension, not Tao, no afterlife... Then, why the gell do I want to live if we are going to die for sure, whatever happens between you're born and you die, then doesn't mean a thing, at least for you, for sure you can make others life better if you try to. But at the end thar doesn't even matter neither.

So, I've thought I've cracked the code and did my first attempt but for good luck bad luck failed.

But that idea has never left my mind. Even worse, now with the time and a little bit of more thinking and reading about physic theories I've got obsessed with one thought. -Life is a cycle that we might been living over and over again since ever. If you die and you can't sense anything, you can't really sense a void, blackness, nothingness, NADA... so, imagine people thar get into coma and wake up years later without notcing that have passed a day. So, I got this idea that if the universe is a close environment with the same amount of energy and matter, and that it's getting colder with the years because the space growing and stars dying turned into black holes, it's probably that it will me merged again into one singularity though a big crunch. So, if that is in fact possible. If the conditions are the same, the big bang will happen again in the same way with pretty none variations. So, if we die- and our perception of the universe itself is blinded. Then the time ahead us will be compressed its probably thar you will be born again in that exact moment, not reincarnation nor spiritual stuff. Just physics, for the merely need of an observer as we all are."
This is just a thought. But well sadly in 2021 I've planned well even this was kinda violent, it was supposed to br almost impossible to fail. I've fastened, got drunk, took a mixture of benzodiacepines more than enought to be unconscious in no time, wrapped a big thick bag with plastic flange to my neck and proceeded to cut my wrist as deep as possible several times.

Well, this was in some field under trees were barely no one passes over there, it was 2:30am when I've started. I was hidden under a tree about to exit. And for freaking casualties a folk decided to abandon his dog there. And as mentioned by the police the dog ran to my position and the guy followed him. When the ambulance arrived I've already lost 3 liters of blood. But they managed to save me (or private me from my decision).

Anyways, I've been writing too much. Now that I've found this forum I've learned more ways to achieve it and I think I'm making it on my next birthday. February 3rd.

My method chosen is SN or SA

I don't care of people realizing I've did it my own. I just don't want to affect anyone, so no home, no hotels, etc.. most probably I will travel to the mountain and first look for a nice but not transited place in order to be in peace. Also one hour from here there are the ruins of a little antique palace that can be trespassed. So idk. I just want to end my life soon, and hope I'm wrong about my shitty hypothesis. Anyway, of you read this far. Thank you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck in your plans, I hope that you find what you search for.

 

[Argo]

That's quite a story. I like your speculations about the universe, I've thought about that a lot too. We ultimately can't know, we're just ants, right? We can sense, we can guess, we can get lucky, but this consciousness is by definition limited. All we have is this telescope of our own ego to look at the world. We see others here, we see a world, but we are still looking through this distorted lens of "me". This problem has no solution, it's the problem of perspective itself.

As for why live: The only real reason is to assume that you can make the world less hellish with your existence. But that is very difficult to do, because just existing definitely causes some degree of suffering on others. Kind of a more literal and blunt version of "hell is other people". I love the phrase, " The road to hell is paved by good intentions". It really captures how easy it is to mess things up, even when you mean well.


Of course, heaven is other people too. Being comforted when you're hurting is heavenly. Saving someone or being saved, is heavenly. I don't think this can change anything about the nature of the world itself and those who access power here, I think that is hellish by definition. So suicide is essentially saying, " I can do no more good here, or it's too hard. I'm too tired. Goodbye"

 

[Eclipsed24]

That's quite a story. I like your speculations about the universe, I've thought about that a lot too. We ultimately can't know, we're just ants, right? We can sense, we can guess, we can get lucky, but this consciousness is by definition limited. All we have is this telescope of our own ego to look at the world. We see others here, we see a world, but we are still looking through this distorted lens of "me". This problem has no solution, it's the problem of perspective itself. ....

I agree with you in almost everything except at my reasons for not wanting to live anymore. For me is like, ok, I've tried, but didn't work.

I've been a volunteer 3 years too! And there I had some discoveries about a lot of things. Even that there are people that don't want help and some just may not understand nor respect that neither.

My life haven't been that "bad" at all. I've had a lot more to be "thankful" even if I had difficult situations, I've learned a lot through them.

My last years have been precious but toxic. I did married a girl that gradually I've discovered was a narcissist, but the kind that is very well undercover. I've gave and sacrificed a lot of myself because we had a family she already had a child that I love a lot and recently we had a baby that Its impossible for me to love her more than i actually do, they gave me a reason I was so committed and devoted to the relationship (partner) and for the children.

But this girl started to ghost me at our own house, to criticize everything about me. I am not perfect person. But as a family member I was a guy who gave away everything that could potentially affect our environment and dedicated al my time to my family, woke up every morning at 4 am so I could do workout till 5am, then get ready to go to work but not before I've left breakfast for them ready, and the homework, some laundry, etc...

Anyways this girl suddenly got an age crisis or something and everything was trashed. My children.. And well.. I guess she'll be ok.

But again losing my childs... with no justifiable reasons. Remind me about what I've wrote before.

First I felt a lot of pain and also some anger and frustration. But I gave up these feelings thinking for the sake of the little one. So I've decided to make things easy for her and to stepaway as she wanted.

Now I'm just at the point where I don't even feel.

And being on meditation for a month or so. Being thankful for everything instead of blaming, hating and making dramas out it.

The reality is that at this exact moment I'm writing this words people all over the world is suffering things worse, kids being sold, people being murdered, etc...

So I won't center in my problems nor gonna say life is a shit. That's life, that's freedom shamefully. So, that's "LIfe being life"

We judge from our own understanding the "good and evil" and we are almost always wrong.

This example I guess has been granted a lot, you are given a choice whether to kill an scorpion or a butterfly and the answer is pretty easy. We judge the scorpion for his capacity of do any potential harm to us.

Anyways, I don't encourage anyone in this forum just to take this decision without being meditating on it for long time because there is something that is really true. And I know it because I've lived it.

I had the hell of opportunity to feel the grief of my family, the desperation of my mother, the pain on my brothers because I've survived for little and been in a coma for one week.

That's a shit of feeling, I'm serious.

So if anyone here really want to take a nice and quick exit, at least meditate on the reasons before making it. I think it's our responsibility too. For ourselves in first place, sometimes maybe is just a situation that one can scape and it isn't really the life itself.

And if the decision is finally made, don't do as me. I did it for real and failed and that's not good. I have permanent damage in my right wrist and it hurts all the time.