Venting Breakup stuff lol

[SterileMoth]

This is stupid but it's not totally related to ctb so lm here? I apologize if I should not be. I'm also sorry if this is rambly and a little incoherent, putting everything into words in a consis manner is difficult.

I miss my ex fiance so much. I hate it. I hate it. He stonewalled me and pressured me into sex and manipulated me and slowly cut me off from many of my friends then complained I didn't go out enough. I hate going out with his friends, they were the kind who are "always right", the kind who would regularly make sexual comments towards me, and my ex would always ignore me when we were with them. I was arm candy. I felt incredibly uncomfortable with them and would drink myself into a stupor everytime I was with them, just so I'd feel less anxious and uncomfortable. I told him about this multiple times.

Hed ignore me if I wore clothes he didn't like, if I refused to grab him HIS clothing in the morning, if I didn't bring him breakfast in bed. He stonewalled me to get his way. He proposed to me 1 year ago and broke up with me 2 weeks before its anniversary, completely out of no where. I'd get him his drinks, get him food, get him his phone that was across the room, or he'd throw a fit. He never said sorry first even if it was his fault, and when he did he'd say "I'm sorry im a piece of shit I hate myself I do everything wrong" OR he'd say "I'm sorry you feel that way."
When he was mad or sad he would ignore me and it was up to me to figure out which because he would not tell me. When I was sad and ignored him he'd throw a fit and leave the house. I spent hours trying to get him to talk to me when he ignored me, and sometimes he'd just leave then too.

He berated me when I told him I might go get admitted to the hospital, that i told my parents and they hid anything they thought could be a danger to me. He got mad at me for telling him i was taking steps to look after myself, claimed i was putting it all on him again, then broke up with me.

There was so much wrong with it, I constantly had to compete for attention and I rarely got affection in return. I liked saying goodbye to him before he left for work, standing up and giving him a hug. He wouldn't even get up for me. In fact, many times he made me get up before he did so I'd make him breakfast and bring him clothes, hed push me out of the bed and poke me in the ribs till I did. The few times I asked him for help getting ready before work he ignored me and would roll over to sleep more. I didn't even get a hug goodbye.

Why does it hurt so much. Why do I miss him so much. The first year of our relationship was great and after that he started flaking on all the dates I had planned for us, stonewalling, manipulating ... why does it hurt so much when 2 years of it was just one sided and abusive. I don't want to care about him anymore. I don't want to worry about him anymore. I wish so badly that he would come back, that he'd realize what he lost. But apparently when he proposed he decided to because I had just got on antidepressants, he thought that would "fix everything" and I'd be like a neurotypical person. He never really loved me and it hurts so much because I gave him everything I had. I wish so hard for things to be different. I wish so hard he was still here. I feel like if I hadn't opened my mouth he'd be here, but all I was doing was establishing boundaries and trying to communicate. If he didn't like that then he didn't like me and he didn't want something healthy. I don't know. Maybe it hurts more because it was my last hope before I ctb. Our relationship was the only thing keeping me here at that point, and he left. He broke his promises. I'm stuck here broken as ever now, while he gets to live his life.
In a spiteful way, I hope when I ctb that he regrets it, that he finally understands what he put me through, that it hurts him the way hes hurt me the past few years. It's not my only reason, I've delved into that a bit in other posts. All the friends I've mentioned ctb to seem to think it's just him. Yes that is a part of it, and the pain from it encourages me to go through with it, but I've thought about it much longer than the breakup has been. I just fucking miss him. I hate him for doing this. I hate him for lying and using me. I hate him for not putting any fucking effort into the relationship other than a fancy dinner every 6 months. But I love him so much.
Whatever.
Once I'm gone he really will have what he wanted. "A fresh start."

If anyone was advice on how to stop caring about a person, that would be great. Every photo hes posted of himself I look at and he isn't happy. I'm worried. I don't want to care. I wish I could just forget.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Sounds like you're better off without him. I never met him and I already don't like him.

 

[Greenberg]

You appear young and beautiful! A breakup with a boyfriend is not a valid reason to ponder CTB. Be strong, leave him, and find someone else who values you as the most special person in the entire world. Your future is very bright. At least now, you know what type of individual is not right for you. Cheers.

 

[Final Escape]

You are longing for the idealization phase of the narcissist relationship. You were with a narcissist. They will trauma bond you and that's why u miss this person. It's the intermittent reinforcement they do. These people will addict u to the love bombing stage. You should watch some Sam Vaknin on YouTube. There's tons of people who discuss what u went through on YouTube. You were with a pathological guy.

 

[SterileMoth]

You appear young and beautiful! A breakup with a boyfriend is not a valid reason to ponder CTB. Be strong, leave him, and find someone else who values you as the most special person in the entire world. Your future is very bright. At least now, you know what type of individual is not right for you. Cheers.

As I stated, it's not the only reason I want to ctb. The world holds nothing for me, and my depression is chronic. I will likely suffer from suicidal ideation for life, even when I'm doing "good" I am still thinking about ending it. I just had reasons to keep going before, however many of them don't hold up like they used to, or just aren't there anymore.

You are longing for the idealization phase of the narcissist relationship. You were with a narcissist. They will trauma bond you and that's why u miss this person. It's the intermittent reinforcement they do. These people will addict u to the love bombing stage. You should watch some Sam Vaknin on YouTube. There's tons of people who discuss what u went through on YouTube. You were with a pathological guy.

Thank you! I will look into his videos. I do think I may have been wrapped up into a trauma bond. I've tried to do some research on it and have a list of things that qualify as abusive/manipulative that he did to try and remind myself of the bad. Its horrible and I hate saying it, but I know if he came back and wanted to get back together ... it would kill me to say no and I don't think I would. Even though I am well aware that it was a toxic relationship and I am most likely better off. That part sucks. He still owns a part of my heart, yet he couldnt care less about me.

 

[Greenberg]

May I inquire if you have tried anti-depressants. I realize that medication does not work for everyone, but for many, it has been a lifesaver. Sometimes, a combination of medicine and psychotherapy may be helpful. (I apologize if I come across as too advice-giving.)

 

[SterileMoth]

May I inquire if you have tried anti-depressants. I realize that medication does not work for everyone, but for many, it has been a lifesaver. Sometimes, a combination of medicine and psychotherapy may be helpful. (I apologize if I come across as too advice-giving.)

Its okay I suppose. I have tried antidepressants. I'm only on my second one now as my old GP was ... not great, to say the least. After trying my last one for six months I told her that I didn't think it was working, and upping the dose just made me numb along with other side effects (Exhaustion all day, sweating through everything, zero interest in anything, nausea, bad vertigo etc.) But she refused to take me off of it as I, and I quote, "could not afford anything else." She also told me my panic attacks are all in my head and that medication wont help. Stayed on them for another 6 months because she wouldn't even lower my dose. Found a new doc who's trying me on something new, but I'm not sure it's working either. The thought of having to pay for medication just to function (and as it seems, BARELY function.) for the rest of my life irks me. Been through different kinds of therapy 4 times and will be starting a 5th soon, but none of it causes lasting change. I always end up back where I started, or feeling even worse. Because I'm in Canada and cannot afford therapy, I can get free sessions. Most of them have a 6 session limit or try to push you out as fast as possible, once they think you're doing good enough you're out of the program and there is no follow up support. The kinds of therapy offered are also more limited if you cannot pay, it's mostly talk therapy. When I was still underage I did get more intensive therapy as it was covered under my parents insurance, but now I'm on my own with that. I did not come here to be talked out of ctb, no one can do that except myself and I have time to change my mind while I prepare.

 

[Giraffey]

Those feelings remind me of how I felt about my abusive ex (also a narcissist) until recently. It took me a long time to finally realise and more importantly, accept, that I was longing for a person who didn't exist, chasing a mirage.

Whenever I gave her a 'second chance' it became a third chance, and then a fourth chance and then a final chance, and then a 'final, final chance', and then a... Well, you get the picture - it was a viscous circle and I had to break it.

She's since tried every trick in the book on me, love bombing and idealisation, guilt tripping, pretending to be terminally ill or faking the deaths of relatives, pretending to have been abused and raped, isolating me from my friends and subsequent partners so I would be left with no option but to come crawling back to her...

It's definitely not as easy as people make it sound. The feelings of anger were almost worse than the lingering affection, desperately wanting and needing her to regret what she'd done to me, to be sorry for it - in time I realised that she was incapable of being sorry because she isn't capable of understanding and accepting what she did.

Accepting that it's I who needed to change, not her was a breakthrough for me. When I stopped caring whether she was sorry and when I finally accepted that I had to 'wipe her emotional debt clean' - the craving to reply to her stalking with an angry rant about the distress she was causing me faded away and I began to feel in control of myself and my life again.

It's a journey SterileMoth and one that is unique for everybody. I am still relatively near the beginning of my journey and it sounds as though you might be too.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more helpful or profound to say, it's pretty late here and I'm tiring, but I hope at least you might see a spark of hope that there can be a point in your journey where you can cut through the affectionate chains binding you to your ex if you so wish.

Hugs

 

[Greenberg]

I used to suffer from General Anxiety Disorder with racing thoughts and stammering as being the primary symptoms. Even after much speech therapy followed by psychotherapy, the symptoms persisted. However, when my family doctor prescribed a combination of 2 antidepressants, my world entirely changed. Admittedly, it took a lot of trial and error to determine the correct combination and dosage. And yes, I take my meds daily and will do so for the balance of my life. I have been fortunate that my company benefits plan covers my prescription costs.

 

[SterileMoth]

Those feelings remind me of how I felt about my abusive ex (also a narcissist) until recently. It took me a long time to finally realise and more importantly, accept, that I was longing for a person who didn't exist, chasing a mirage.

Whenever I gave her a 'second chance' it became a third chance, and then a fourth chance and then a final chance, and then a 'final, final chance', and then a... Well, you get the picture - it was a viscous circle and I had to break it.

She's since tried every trick in the book on me, love bombing and idealisation, guilt tripping, pretending to be terminally ill or faking the deaths of relatives, pretending to have been abused and raped, isolating me from my friends and subsequent partners so I would be left with no option but to come crawling back to her...

It's definitely not as easy as people make it sound. The feelings of anger were almost worse than the lingering affection, desperately wanting and needing her to regret what she'd done to me, to be sorry for it - in time I realised that she was incapable of being sorry because she isn't capable of understanding and accepting what she did.

Accepting that it's I who needed to change, not her was a breakthrough for me. When I stopped caring whether she was sorry and when I finally accepted that I had to 'wipe her emotional debt clean' - the craving to reply to her stalking with an angry rant about the distress she was causing me faded away and I began to feel in control of myself and my life again.

It's a journey SterileMoth and one that is unique for everybody. I am still relatively near the beginning of my journey and it sounds as though you might be too.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more helpful or profound to say, it's pretty late here and I'm tiring, but I hope at least you might see a spark of hope that there can be a point in your journey where you can cut through the affectionate chains binding you to your ex if you so wish.

Hugs

The few times I've been angry I actually preferred it to being sad and missing him all day. At least it was a different feeling for a bit. Thank you! I hope I can move on and stop caring too, it feels horrible to notice every little thing and clinging to this hope that theyll change and things can get better. They don't want to change, they don't even see the horrible things they've done. You're right that all I can do is change and let them go, wish it was easy to do as it is to say.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I can't tell you how to stop caring, but I can offer you a four things that may help you toward reaching that ultimate goal. First his behaviors are classic narcissist, and I'll point out two of the main ones; then, there is a classic narcissist behavior you can expect to happen; and finally, there is a behavior of your own to watch out for that may keep you from moving forward, and moving forward will help you in your goal to stop caring, which is stuck in the past dangling carrots he didn't pay out on and the tiny investments he made to keep you going for them.

• Classic narcissist behavior 1: treating others like appliances. To him, you existed as an appliance to serve him, like a microwave or an iron. You were expected to dress him, feed him, get up for him -- meet all of his needs. He made an initial investment and little effort for maintenance.
• Classic narcissist behavior 2: the discard. Once you were doing something effective for yourself, he no longer had total power. It was his ultimate negation of you and your power over yourself. This is an affirmation that you were/are on the right track and were/are gaining strength and accessing your own resources.
• What to expect: the hoover. He will at some point want some more fuel from you. He will reappear in your life, whether on his own or through a flying monkey, someone who represents him to get your focus back on him. He will want something or need something. He will try to suck you back in to meet his want or need, and it will have nothing to do with you. The cycle will continue, and he will continue to discard and hoover.
• What to watch out for in yourself: returning to the slot machine of hope. Slot machines require investment of resources and may occasionally pay out so that you will return, but there is never a jackpot. There is no win. Instead, you can recover and rebuild your resources, and when you find yourself wanting to spend them on the slot machine, shift the focus to where you will get reward, which will further strengthen your resources and your ability to manage them -- for you. Spend them on you, which is a win, or on or someone or something that is supportive and/or reciprocal, which is a win-win. Narcissists only want to win, and they only believe they win in lose-win scenarios. They feel they lose when it is win-win. They are like the casino, they don't want balance, they want all the resources, and hoovering is aimed at replenishing the resources/fuel of the casino, or at least keeping you poor.

 

[FusRohDracarys]

Yikes. I'm very sorry you went through all that, and I'm sorry that even now it still hurts. You don't deserve that. I felt similarly about an ex some time back, and honestly, learning to hate them was what helped me move on. I fixated on every thing they did to hurt me, every disappointment, every time I gave up my own power and self respect to accommodate them. I got angry. Furious. Livid. I smashed and broke all the possessions I had that came from that relationship, left the box of junk on their doorstep, and blocked all contact. It was like a weight was lifted in that moment.

After that, I also found a lot of healing in studying adult attachment theory. Some people fall in love and act differently in relationships, and learning more about attachment theory helped me figure out why I was drawn to people like my ex and how to tell if someone was going to be a repeat of that experience. If you're interested, Attached was an eye opening read for me.

Anyway, best wishes. I hope you find healing and can let go of this toxic person. Feel free to reach out if you need support.

 

[woxihuanni]

I wish my crazy person had merely NPD. I have zero illusion about love yadda yadda, they want me to serve, I serve if I want to be with them. But they have worse issues than that. And of course I don't hate them, like I would fuck somebody elsejust because of a good personality? There is no such thing as a good personality, there is lack of leverage.