break up advice

[TwoInOne]

hi everybody i hope you're having a wonderful day, even if things are bad. im really new in here so this is my first post ever...i just wanted to ask for some advice or hear people's opinions. well, ive been struggling with depression for about 3 months or so, its a mix of everything thats been going on in my life, but one of the most influential things is my body dysmorphia. ive never really had any trust worthy friends i could talk to about my problems, until i met my boyfriend 3 years ago. as the time went on i realized i finally had someone to trust and someone to love me, i was feeling really happy and fullfilled, i didnt need anything else in life cause i was already happy with him. thing is, when i started falling on this pit of sadness, i slowly drifted apart for some days because i didnt want him to see how bad i was feeling since that could only add more to his own frustrations and problems, and the last thing i wanted was him feeling bad. i tried for so long to get better myself because if i did i could feel good enough to help him like we had always helped each other. After some time i realized that i couldnt keep doing it alone and i just needed someone to listen to my problems...And it was only fair if i told him i had depression, i would've liked to know if he was feeling bad too, we always cared for each other. When i told him, he just told me i needed to stay strong, positive and just do new things, wich i started doing. And now, 3 days ago, at 3 pm after not responding to any of my messages he says that he just wants to end our relationship because he thinks things will not work out and that he's feeling really bad mentally to be with me, then he just asked me to please stay strong for him, me and our relationship. I really understand him, and i wouldnt like for him to feel horrible nor i want him to carry even more emotional weight besides his own, so i told him that it was a very great desition for him, and that whatever made him happy i would accept. But now im alone. He left me on my own against everything i have been feeling...and it just hurts me so much because i thought that if i reached for help to the only person i have ever trusted i could've gone through this. I feel like all of this is my fault, and that i left him alone for so long. Maybe if i didnt ever tell him i had depression he wouldnt have felt like that and maybe i could've helped him. Sorry for the long post...i just really dont have anyone to talk to.

 

[orpheus_]

I'm really sorry you are going through something like this, I don't know the exact situation of course but I feel like he acted kinda shit. I feel like many people nowadays back off from relationships which feel "too hard", for example when they see someone's struggling. I mean it's understandable that not everyone is able to support a mentally ill person, but an unexpected break up is just??? Dude you're just avoiding any discomfort tbh. Sorry if I'm too harsh, like I said I don't know the details.

Spoiler: my personal experience

I was in kind of a similar situation, I mean my friend/partner/we were never officially together but basically acted like a couple and thought of it as such (we were just both too edgy to admit it to each other lol).. anyway, it was a bit different since they have been helping me a lot during the worst few months of my life. But then suddendly they started distancing themselves from me and very quickly went "actually, I don't want any contact with you because your suicidality destroyed my mental health". That felt like a stab in the heart and while I did understand them, man it was terrible. I was shaking from anxiety all the time and couldn't eat. Tried to get involved in other things like university, and that honestly saved me.

We actually did get back together as friends and managed to rebuild our relationship in general, and honestly that situation stemmed from their own VERY complicated mental issues... And they just needed someone to blame for their worsening state and I was the one who was easiest to tbh. I'm not saying that my state did not contribute to that at all but, looking back, they admitted it was much about other things and one of the reasons why they refused contact with me (and, even when we got back together as friends - they did not want to hear any mentions of suicidality/sh from me for over a year) was the need to escape what was "scary".
Anyway that's a different case since I'm talking about a person who had very serious issues with forming relationships. Still idk maybe you could relate in some way. I just felt really, really guilty in that situation, but over time realized that what my friend/partner did was actually quite shit, since they just suddendly cut all contact and blamed their bad state on me. Though like I said we're kind of back together, it's.. complicated. But I'd say that this relationship changed for the better although at some point I thought it had no chance.

I don't know if it will be the case for you, because maybe that guy was just not a good partner if he wanted to avoid facing any of your problems. Maybe you will sort it out after talking honestly to him - I mean there's a chance. Just because you both are struggling DOES NOT mean you cannot be in a relationship.

I don't think it's your fault. You did nothing wrong, and being abandoned for feeling bad is fucking unfair. Once again, being mentally unwell does not mean you cannot have relationships - whether romantic or platonic. But it does require responsibility from the other person's side. Please take care of yourself and I hope you will get through this <3

 

[TwoInOne]

I'm really sorry you are going through something like this, I don't know the exact situation of course but I feel like he acted kinda shit. I feel like many people nowadays back off from relationships which feel "too hard", for example when they see someone's struggling. I mean it's understandable that not everyone is able to support a mentally ill person, but an unexpected break up is just??? Dude you're just avoiding any discomfort tbh. Sorry if I'm too harsh, like I said I don't know the details.

Spoiler: my personal experience

I was in kind of a similar situation, I mean my friend/partner/we were never officially together but basically acted like a couple and thought of it as such (we were just both too edgy to admit it to each other lol).. anyway, it was a bit different since they have been helping me a lot during the worst few months of my life. But then suddendly they started distancing themselves from me and very quickly went "actually, I don't want any contact with you because your suicidality destroyed my mental health". That felt like a stab in the heart and while I did understand them, man it was terrible. I was shaking from anxiety all the time and couldn't eat. Tried to get involved in other things like university, and that honestly saved me.

We actually did get back together as friends and managed to rebuild our relationship in general, and honestly that situation stemmed from their own VERY complicated mental issues... And they just needed someone to blame for their worsening state and I was the one who was easiest to tbh. I'm not saying that my state did not contribute to that at all but, looking back, they admitted it was much about other things and one of the reasons why they refused contact with me (and, even when we got back together as friends - they did not want to hear any mentions of suicidality/sh from me for over a year) was the need to escape what was "scary".
Anyway that's a different case since I'm talking about a person who had very serious issues with forming relationships. Still idk maybe you could relate in some way. I just felt really, really guilty in that situation, but over time realized that what my friend/partner did was actually quite shit, since they just suddendly cut all contact and blamed their bad state on me. Though like I said we're kind of back together, it's.. complicated. But I'd say that this relationship changed for the better although at some point I thought it had no chance.

I don't know if it will be the case for you, because maybe that guy was just not a good partner if he wanted to avoid facing any of your problems. Maybe you will sort it out after talking honestly to him - I mean there's a chance. Just because you both are struggling DOES NOT mean you cannot be in a relationship.

I don't think it's your fault. You did nothing wrong, and being abandoned for feeling bad is fucking unfair. Once again, being mentally unwell does not mean you cannot have relationships - whether romantic or platonic. But it does require responsibility from the other person's side. Please take care of yourself and I hope you will get through this <3

thank you for your time...It must be really difficult to get back with someone after so many difficult things...Im trying to get better but its just really difficult. He's always cared for me...but i guess we're both going through the worst these times. Once again, really thankful for your story and reply, much luck and take care .

 

[deny_conformity]

I'm sorry you had to go through this, I agree with orpheus_ that he acted quite shit. It's unfortunately a common experience when dealing with a lot of "normal" people. It takes a very special person to understand depression and support someone with it. I Hope you find a special someone who doesn't want to run away from your pain but to help you through it.

My personal story is that early on in my relationship with my now ex-wife I tried to talk to her about my depression and suicidality but it scared her and she closed up so I stopped. I had a whole part of my psyche and personality that I couldn't share with her or get support with. It eventually built up to the point I made a serious attempt (I was in a coma for a week and needed two blood transfusions), now I have an ex-wife .

 

[MapleS]

I'm sorry for you. I hope it will be better this way for both of you
I think the problem was that you didn't communicated BEFORE - like you should have tell him when the things started and not when they were hard to manage. It's important, you know?

Hope you will teak care of yourself now and meet new people.