Venting Brain like a hurricane

[sugarb]

Just rambling again. Or maybe I'm on to something this time! My train(s) of thought will arrive at one last conclusion, one unifying constant divine realization that'll stick with me forever. But probably not. Either way- long ass, crazy sounding post.

I feel like the inside of my head is perpetually storming. Raging winds intertwining and spiraling downwards forming twisters that tear at the earth, crackling lightning flashing overhead for infinitesimal moments, thunder exploding in near-time.

ADHD, obviously. Dunno if it's because I'm also autistic that my brain's so fucking wonky, but it probably didn't help. here's an example of how I think sometimes. I hate it.

Ex: Say I'm browsing some site and read a post title that goes "I hate men." A hundred trains of thought immediately either start their engines or diverge to the new topic. With every passing second those trains split apart into new ones, like cells multiplying:

Why would she say that? Well, it's true many women suffer due to men. Do they? Obviously so, there're statistics on this. I rack my brain- I think it's true. But there're plenty of statistics for all kinds of things, aren't there? Statistics can be wrong. Statistics aren't always cause for extreme positions. But then I consider- well, it's an exaggeration, obviously. She probably doesn't completely mean it. But can I be sure? What if she does? What, does she hate my sweet, funny, wonderful brother? What'd he do to her? What'd I do, anyway? Maybe I did do something. Someone exactly like me. Or maybe I know her and I did something. I probably didn't. If I did she might've been overreacting. Or maybe she had a truly horrible experience, like an abusive father. It's normal to be wary of a certain demographic after said demographic does something like that, isn't it? But it's still discriminatory. Or is it? Gender's a different factor than class or race or attractiveness or etc. I wonder if she's pretty. Maybe she was SA'd? I wonder what the statistics are for that. Can beauty even be measured? Why am I thinking about this? Why did I even assume the poster was a woman or assume the post was serious? Might've been written by a gay dude about how his relationships suck. Might've been a joke. I wonder if it was funny. Maybe I could write a joke about that. What would I even make it about? Come to think of it I don't have a punchline. And I doubt anyone would even like it. Would the target audience like it, maybe? Who would the audience even be? People who hate men? I wonder who actually, legitimately hates me for my gender in the world. Are they justified? They might be. Maybe I'm an oppressor. Or maybe not. What the fuck are you on, dude? At least you're trying to be empathetic. Is she trying to be empathetic? Am I, actually? Am I even capable of empathy? An empathetic person wouldn't think to judge another person for not being as kind as them. Thinking that makes you unkind, though. Fuck off. Maybe I treat my mother and female friends and my female cousin who I think I admired growing up like subhumans and never realized. Maybe I did, but I don't think so. Would it be justified to hate me if I did it without knowing? No. Yes. Would it be justified to hate Ted Bundy if he had a disorder that made him kill people? Yes. No. Maybe. Is that a thing? An unending clinical illness that makes you hurt people entirely not of your own volition? Maybe, I dunno. Am I bad person for having these thoughts? Or misogynistic? I don't know. So long as nothing comes of them it's ok, right? Or maybe it's not. Why do I keep spinning around and around and around and around and around and around faster and faster and faster, thoughts like water swirling down a billion and one drains that lead into pipes into four-way splits and eight-way splits into an ocean where I ask myself if anything is real and what real even means and then take a step back and find myself in front of God and he or she or it or they or what or when is so disappointed because I couldn't slow down and use my brain. Am I stupid or smart? Maybe I'm the smartest person ever. I got good grades, right? But idiots can do that. Are they idiots, though? Intelligence usually refers to how useful a person's brain is for society; art music culture science math politics technology military etc etc. That's what it's actually a metric for. Can you stop disassociating and acting like you're unique? I'm unique to myself. The only voice in my head is mine. Maybe it's the only voice in the world. I can't prove it. Why would I? Can you disprove reality via debate? Can you conceptualize reality not being real and then articulate the idea? Of course not. Why am I thinking about this again? Existential crisis for the fifth time today, Jesus Christ. Just click on the post and actually read what it's about before you start thinking about it all.

-but I never click on the post and nothing comes of it in any direction whatsoever because I imagined the post existing in the first place and the last ten seconds of scrambled thoughts were completely pointless to begin with. Then I start thinking about why I even imagined that in the first place and it starts again (it never actually stopped).

This happens with everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm the stupidest person in the world. Other times I feel like a god. A biologist and a single-celled organism can both clone a single-celled organism; both can see phytoplankton, perceive things a normal person can't. Maybe I'm an idiot and a genius and a crackhead with no crack and a frighteningly disassociated ticking timebomb. Do I need to destroy myself before I hurt myself? Do I need to kill myself before I kill someone? To die to escape the hurt the world throws on me?

Those don't feel right. Maybe even that feeling of "right" is a lie. Maybe my real reason for CTB is possessing a mind so hilariously divorced from typical functioning that things as human as breathing feel off. I occasionally feel I'm here solely as a test. But the fun kind, to a degree. I'm here to pass some sort of challenge- survive the difficulties until it's the right time to finish, and have fun along the way. Maybe morality gives me bonus points.

Even though I wrote like the example of my scattered, wackjob thoughts had ended, this piece of writing in it's entirety is Exhibit A. I must sound insane. Probably am. What consequences come from pressing "post thread"? This exactly 1400-word rant might be endearing, might be concerning, might offend, might give the wrong idea, might disgust or hurt. I don't know. Don't even know what I believe in any category of thought because of a thousand mile line of devil's advocates and counterpoints popping up. Why am I posting it, then, instead of confining it to my diary? I think maybe I'm curious about how people will respond. Looking for a conversational buzz. Or hopeful I'll read some response that magically quiets my brain. Doubtful.

During the brief periods in which the eye of the storm in my head encircles me- temporary, fleeting stillness- I sometimes catch a glimpse of Heaven, or my equivalent thereof. Musical climax and the sensation of warm rushing wind, rushing so fast my soul is sheered from it's prison and I become like the angels of the book I was taught, wild but kind and utterly whole, utterly free.

The glimpses aren't enough. Heaven is for the dead. I need a bullet in my temple to quiet the hurricane in my brain.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Your mind sounds as cluttered as mine. Gotta say its a mostly logical train of thoughts to me
The utter chaos inside can leave you so tired at times eh

Although personally I also find it fascinating how many associations one can make in such a short time. (At least I find that for myself.) Not so funny when you need to backtrack the thoughts to get back to your original one (seldomly works anyway... get distracted on the way back as well..)

 

[sugarb]

Your mind sounds as cluttered as mine. Gotta say its a mostly logical train of thoughts to me
The utter chaos inside can leave you so tired at times eh

Although personally I also find it fascinating how many associations one can make in such a short time. (At least I find that for myself.) Not so funny when you need to backtrack the thoughts to get back to your original one (seldomly works anyway... get distracted on the way back as well..)

I'm glad somebody gets it T~T I feel crazy sometimes
It does have its upsides yea I appreciate being a quick thinker and creative if nothing else

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I sometimes find it hard to imagine not everyone thinks like this.

Yess!! The creativity!! How many hobbies/projects have you started and never....?

I do get lost a lot in my thoughts though. It can make life a hell.. And yeah I get the feeling crazy part as well. I find it quite the feat you managed to write it all down before forgetting what you were thinking about btw!

Not gonna pretend I really like living this way.
But as long as I'm here I have to deal with it.

 

[sugarb]

I sometimes find it hard to imagine not everyone thinks like this.

Yess!! The creativity!! How many hobbies/projects have you started and never....?

I do get lost a lot in my thoughts though. It can make life a hell.. And yeah I get the feeling crazy part as well. I find it quite the feat you managed to write it all down before forgetting what you were thinking about btw!

Not gonna pretend I really like living this way.
But as long as I'm here I have to deal with it.

How many? Oof… A few thousand things, probably I've been into making music, writing, making chatbots, and a bunch of other stuff. And that's just online. Offline I've done more T-T

Thank you! ^^ It took a while

Indeed we do -.-

 

[justwannadip]

I just wanted to say, in many ways, this is exactly how my mind works. I have OCD and ADHD, so maybe thats why (i may have autism as well). Thanks for sharing, i really relate to this.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

I have no autism that I'm aware of. I've seen dozens of dr's and therapists without someone ever mentioning it. So either I'm really manipulative and can hide my giveaways, or I'm just not autistic. But I have my own versions of what you describe. I've also shutdown from some systems of thought because I simply no longer have the "energy" for it. Something shut down. I was raised to always be in a "state of flight or fight" and at some point, my system was too overwhelmed and just gave up. I didn't care what happened to me. I became numb to it. I had no fight left, and I could no longer move to flee. So whatever next "bad" thing was going to come, I could no longer prepare for it anymore. It would have to just "hit" me. This is the feign/fawn inbetween stage I believe. Anyway, since I could no longer care. Yeah, I became apathetic and lost my personality. If you no longer feel, you no longer can care.
I forgot where I was going with this... damn.

I just thought you guys may find the above interesting or useful somehow? Hopefully.
Dr. Iron, see below as well.
@Saturn_ @jar-baby @thebelljarrr @Dr Iron Arc

Well, I mainly just wanted to ask about you seeing the article "I hate men." and your reaction to it. My brain isn't autistic so this may be the key difference here, but why do care what the reasoning is if someone states "I hate men." Do you know that person? Even if a para social sense? Because if not, I wouldn't really bother myself to care what the reasoning is. If you don't know them, then you would know that you had nothing to do with their formation of that opinion. You couldn't have had anything to do with them deciding to hate men. The burden is not on you; therefore, you don't have to terrorize yourself with this self-interrogation. It's simply not necessary. You're already off the hook.
Maybe in some autistic people they can differentiate between when they're reliable/responsible for something, and when they're not. I naturally always feel that things are my fault too, but for perhaps very different reasons. The distinction being that I can apply logic to my reasoning that whatever is my fault, and facts to back up that claim. This is also a learned trade though, especially if you've taught yourself to be on edge, and look for signs of fear.

You would already know how you treat women, and can find comfort in that you make it a habit to respect them, so that stops that thinking in it's tracks because it no longer pertains to you. You don't have to drive yourself crazy. Hth

I may be making ZERO sense as I am writing this in the middle of the night after waking from sleep so, if so, my bad.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Just rambling again. Or maybe I'm on to something this time! My train(s) of thought will arrive at one last conclusion, one unifying constant divine realization that'll stick with me forever. But probably not. Either way- long ass, crazy sounding post.

I feel like the inside of my head is perpetually storming. Raging winds intertwining and spiraling downwards forming twisters that tear at the earth, crackling lightning flashing overhead for infinitesimal moments, thunder exploding in near-time.

ADHD, obviously. Dunno if it's because I'm also autistic that my brain's so fucking wonky, but it probably didn't help. here's an example of how I think sometimes. I hate it.

Ex: Say I'm browsing some site and read a post title that goes "I hate men." A hundred trains of thought immediately either start their engines or diverge to the new topic. With every passing second those trains split apart into new ones, like cells multiplying:

Why would she say that? Well, it's true many women suffer due to men. Do they? Obviously so, there're statistics on this. I rack my brain- I think it's true. But there're plenty of statistics for all kinds of things, aren't there? Statistics can be wrong. Statistics aren't always cause for extreme positions. But then I consider- well, it's an exaggeration, obviously. She probably doesn't completely mean it. But can I be sure? What if she does? What, does she hate my sweet, funny, wonderful brother? What'd he do to her? What'd I do, anyway? Maybe I did do something. Someone exactly like me. Or maybe I know her and I did something. I probably didn't. If I did she might've been overreacting. Or maybe she had a truly horrible experience, like an abusive father. It's normal to be wary of a certain demographic after said demographic does something like that, isn't it? But it's still discriminatory. Or is it? Gender's a different factor than class or race or attractiveness or etc. I wonder if she's pretty. Maybe she was SA'd? I wonder what the statistics are for that. Can beauty even be measured? Why am I thinking about this? Why did I even assume the poster was a woman or assume the post was serious? Might've been written by a gay dude about how his relationships suck. Might've been a joke. I wonder if it was funny. Maybe I could write a joke about that. What would I even make it about? Come to think of it I don't have a punchline. And I doubt anyone would even like it. Would the target audience like it, maybe? Who would the audience even be? People who hate men? I wonder who actually, legitimately hates me for my gender in the world. Are they justified? They might be. Maybe I'm an oppressor. Or maybe not. What the fuck are you on, dude? At least you're trying to be empathetic. Is she trying to be empathetic? Am I, actually? Am I even capable of empathy? An empathetic person wouldn't think to judge another person for not being as kind as them. Thinking that makes you unkind, though. Fuck off. Maybe I treat my mother and female friends and my female cousin who I think I admired growing up like subhumans and never realized. Maybe I did, but I don't think so. Would it be justified to hate me if I did it without knowing? No. Yes. Would it be justified to hate Ted Bundy if he had a disorder that made him kill people? Yes. No. Maybe. Is that a thing? An unending clinical illness that makes you hurt people entirely not of your own volition? Maybe, I dunno. Am I bad person for having these thoughts? Or misogynistic? I don't know. So long as nothing comes of them it's ok, right? Or maybe it's not. Why do I keep spinning around and around and around and around and around and around faster and faster and faster, thoughts like water swirling down a billion and one drains that lead into pipes into four-way splits and eight-way splits into an ocean where I ask myself if anything is real and what real even means and then take a step back and find myself in front of God and he or she or it or they or what or when is so disappointed because I couldn't slow down and use my brain. Am I stupid or smart? Maybe I'm the smartest person ever. I got good grades, right? But idiots can do that. Are they idiots, though? Intelligence usually refers to how useful a person's brain is for society; art music culture science math politics technology military etc etc. That's what it's actually a metric for. Can you stop disassociating and acting like you're unique? I'm unique to myself. The only voice in my head is mine. Maybe it's the only voice in the world. I can't prove it. Why would I? Can you disprove reality via debate? Can you conceptualize reality not being real and then articulate the idea? Of course not. Why am I thinking about this again? Existential crisis for the fifth time today, Jesus Christ. Just click on the post and actually read what it's about before you start thinking about it all.

-but I never click on the post and nothing comes of it in any direction whatsoever because I imagined the post existing in the first place and the last ten seconds of scrambled thoughts were completely pointless to begin with. Then I start thinking about why I even imagined that in the first place and it starts again (it never actually stopped).

This happens with everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm the stupidest person in the world. Other times I feel like a god. A biologist and a single-celled organism can both clone a single-celled organism; both can see phytoplankton, perceive things a normal person can't. Maybe I'm an idiot and a genius and a crackhead with no crack and a frighteningly disassociated ticking timebomb. Do I need to destroy myself before I hurt myself? Do I need to kill myself before I kill someone? To die to escape the hurt the world throws on me?

Those don't feel right. Maybe even that feeling of "right" is a lie. Maybe my real reason for CTB is possessing a mind so hilariously divorced from typical functioning that things as human as breathing feel off. I occasionally feel I'm here solely as a test. But the fun kind, to a degree. I'm here to pass some sort of challenge- survive the difficulties until it's the right time to finish, and have fun along the way. Maybe morality gives me bonus points.

Even though I wrote like the example of my scattered, wackjob thoughts had ended, this piece of writing in it's entirety is Exhibit A. I must sound insane. Probably am. What consequences come from pressing "post thread"? This exactly 1400-word rant might be endearing, might be concerning, might offend, might give the wrong idea, might disgust or hurt. I don't know. Don't even know what I believe in any category of thought because of a thousand mile line of devil's advocates and counterpoints popping up. Why am I posting it, then, instead of confining it to my diary? I think maybe I'm curious about how people will respond. Looking for a conversational buzz. Or hopeful I'll read some response that magically quiets my brain. Doubtful.

During the brief periods in which the eye of the storm in my head encircles me- temporary, fleeting stillness- I sometimes catch a glimpse of Heaven, or my equivalent thereof. Musical climax and the sensation of warm rushing wind, rushing so fast my soul is sheered from it's prison and I become like the angels of the book I was taught, wild but kind and utterly whole, utterly free.

The glimpses aren't enough. Heaven is for the dead. I need a bullet in my temple to quiet the hurricane in my brain.

This hurricane of thoughts you are describing seems to line up with the overthinking parts of Anxiety which coincidentally seems to overlap and share a lot more traits with Autism and ADHD than just starting with the letter A.

I'm not formally autistic or attention-deficit. I feel like I am not so bad in those departments as other people I've seen. I know so many people who are actually super autistic including my own sister and most of them have just been frustrating to be around with how little self awareness they seem to have and how embarrassing they can act in public. Not saying anyone who's autistic in this forum is like that. That's just been my experience and since I apparently tested as normal when I was a kid I'm going to stick to that result.

I also don't believe I have ADHD since I don't even consume tik toks or YouTube shorts and many of the people I know with ADHD require their various drugs like Ritalin just to even function at a normal level which I am able to do. Another seemingly telltale sign of ADHD is feeling sleepy after consuming caffeine which does not happen with me at all.

And yet I think it's pretty clear by this point that I do have Anxiety. I know that fear in general is the dominant emotion running its course through my mind at all times. It keeps me worried for the future, terrified in the present, and even retroactively ruins what seemed like good parts of the past. Now I don't know to what extent overthinking does manifest in ADHD, OCD, or Autism, but I do know that with Anxiety it seems to be the most prevalent factor. It's possible you or I could still have some combination of all these or maybe just one but for myself I know that if I only got one then Anxiety has to be that one.

I have no autism that I'm aware of. I've seen dozens of dr's and therapists without someone ever mentioning it. So either I'm really manipulative and can hide my giveaways, or I'm just not autistic. But I have my own versions of what you describe. I've also shutdown from some systems of thought because I simply no longer have the "energy" for it. Something shut down. I was raised to always be in a "state of flight or fight" and at some point, my system was too overwhelmed and just gave up. I didn't care what happened to me. I became numb to it. I had no fight left, and I could no longer move to flee. So whatever next "bad" thing was going to come, I could no longer prepare for it anymore. It would have to just "hit" me. This is the feign/fawn inbetween stage I believe. Anyway, since I could no longer care. Yeah, I became apathetic and lost my personality. If you no longer feel, you no longer can care.
I forgot where I was going with this... damn.

I just thought you guys may find the above interesting or useful somehow? Hopefully.
Dr. Iron, see below as well.
@Saturn_ @jar-baby @thebelljarrr @Dr Iron Arc

Well, I mainly just wanted to ask about you seeing the article "I hate men." and your reaction to it. My brain isn't autistic so this may be the key difference here, but why do care what the reasoning is if someone states "I hate men." Do you know that person? Even if a para social sense? Because if not, I wouldn't really bother myself to care what the reasoning is. If you don't know them, then you would know that you had nothing to do with their formation of that opinion. You couldn't have had anything to do with them deciding to hate men. The burden is not on you; therefore, you don't have to terrorize yourself with this self-interrogation. It's simply not necessary. You're already off the hook.
Maybe in some autistic people they can differentiate between when they're reliable/responsible for something, and when they're not. I naturally always feel that things are my fault too, but for perhaps very different reasons. The distinction being that I can apply logic to my reasoning that whatever is my fault, and facts to back up that claim. This is also a learned trade though, especially if you've taught yourself to be on edge, and look for signs of fear.

You would already know how you treat women, and can find comfort in that you make it a habit to respect them, so that stops that thinking in it's tracks because it no longer pertains to you. You don't have to drive yourself crazy. Hth

I may be making ZERO sense as I am writing this in the middle of the night after waking from sleep so, if so, my bad.

The thing you describe at first sounds like executive dysfunction to me which I touched upon once in a thread that I made and never really thought much about since. Like with overthinking I suppose this can also be a thing that can come from any number of all the A-disorders and such.

I think I do get the second part of your post? I don't think I have seen this 'I Hate Men' article in question but I do know that even if I saw such an article and I don't actually know the person saying it, I still can't help but feel terrible about it like I'm part of the problem. Again, I don't know if I really have autism or not but I do know that my anxiety has led me to assume that after seeing some of the horrible things some women have gone through at the hands of men who, like me, are lonely and hateful and idiotic, then that must be my fate if I ever even dare to engage in any sort of way. I don't even need anxiety to tell me that but I can't help but think that's what they must all be feeling. I'm sure I've already made some feel way worse than I'll ever feel about them.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

This hurricane of thoughts you are describing seems to line up with the overthinking parts of Anxiety which coincidentally seems to overlap and share a lot more traits with Autism and ADHD than just starting with the letter A.

I'm not formally autistic or attention-deficit. I feel like I am not so bad in those departments as other people I've seen. I know so many people who are actually super autistic including my own sister and most of them have just been frustrating to be around with how little self awareness they seem to have and how embarrassing they can act in public. Not saying anyone who's autistic in this forum is like that. That's just been my experience and since I apparently tested as normal when I was a kid I'm going to stick to that result.

I also don't believe I have ADHD since I don't even consume tik toks or YouTube shorts and many of the people I know with ADHD require their various drugs like Ritalin just to even function at a normal level which I am able to do. Another seemingly telltale sign of ADHD is feeling sleepy after consuming caffeine which does not happen with me at all.

And yet I think it's pretty clear by this point that I do have Anxiety. I know that fear in general is the dominant emotion running its course through my mind at all times. It keeps me worried for the future, terrified in the present, and even retroactively ruins what seemed like good parts of the past. Now I don't know to what extent overthinking does manifest in ADHD, OCD, or Autism, but I do know that with Anxiety it seems to be the most prevalent factor. It's possible you or I could still have some combination of all these or maybe just one but for myself I know that if I only got one then Anxiety has to be that one.


The thing you describe at first sounds like executive dysfunction to me which I touched upon once in a thread that I made and never really thought much about since. Like with overthinking I suppose this can also be a thing that can come from any number of all the A-disorders and such.

I think I do get the second part of your post? I don't think I have seen this 'I Hate Men' article in question but I do know that even if I saw such an article and I don't actually know the person saying it, I still can't help but feel terrible about it like I'm part of the problem. Again, I don't know if I really have autism or not but I do know that my anxiety has led me to assume that after seeing some of the horrible things some women have gone through at the hands of men who, like me, are lonely and hateful and idiotic, then that must be my fate if I ever even dare to engage in any sort of way. I don't even need anxiety to tell me that but I can't help but think that's what they must all be feeling. I'm sure I've already made some feel way worse than I'll ever feel about them.

Yeah I'm sorry if I lopped ypu into a category. I only tagged you because of the ruminating thoughts of causation that weren't justified, that just reminded me of your posts and 2birds1stone sort of thing. Sharing of information. That's all that was. That's my bad. Sorry about that.

Executive dysfunction? Yes. Absolutely. Funny that you mention that and have a thread. I've actually been using that term to describe myself for a few years now.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Yeah I'm sorry if I lopped ypu into a category. I only tagged you because of the ruminating thoughts of causation that weren't justified, that just reminded me of your posts and 2birds1stone sort of thing. Sharing of information. That's all that was. That's my bad. Sorry about that.

Nah, you're all good. It was a nice setup into more introspection for myself so that's fine.

 

[sugarb]

Well, I mainly just wanted to ask about you seeing the article "I hate men." and your reaction to it. My brain isn't autistic so this may be the key difference here, but why do care what the reasoning is if someone states "I hate men." Do you know that person? Even if a para social sense? Because if not, I wouldn't really bother myself to care what the reasoning is. If you don't know them, then you would know that you had nothing to do with their formation of that opinion. You couldn't have had anything to do with them deciding to hate men. The burden is not on you; therefore, you don't have to terrorize yourself with this self-interrogation. It's simply not necessary. You're already off the hook.
Maybe in some autistic people they can differentiate between when they're reliable/responsible for something, and when they're not. I naturally always feel that things are my fault too, but for perhaps very different reasons. The distinction being that I can apply logic to my reasoning that whatever is my fault, and facts to back up that claim. This is also a learned trade though, especially if you've taught yourself to be on edge, and look for signs of fear.

You would already know how you treat women, and can find comfort in that you make it a habit to respect them, so that stops that thinking in it's tracks because it no longer pertains to you. You don't have to drive yourself crazy. Hth

I may be making ZERO sense as I am writing this in the middle of the night after waking from sleep so, if so, my bad.

It's not the article in particular that's important, I was just using a pertinent example. The scattered train of thought that goes really disconcertingly fast thing happens with basically anything/everything, be it a social interaction or just looking at a lamp or something. it's just how my brain works

Logically, I don't really care what anyone thinks or says about me or my demographic, but the instinctual emotional response to degradation is distress. my fee-fees being somewhat hurt by negative input just exacerbates the already existing very fast chaotic train of thought. My logical response and the one I'll actually display in a social setting would be "ok whatever" and/or "fuck off dude I as an individual had nothing to do with that", it's just that when a train of thought starts it just keeps going. It's not a conscious choice to overanalyze and have the initial thought branch off into a dozen others, it just happens

My actual actions are normal (so far as I know), I treat women more or less the same as anyone else and have always done my best to treat my SO's well. And again, I'm aware that I don't really do anything harmful to anyone, like… ever. But the scattered thoughts generally just aren't logical.

This hurricane of thoughts you are describing seems to line up with the overthinking parts of Anxiety which coincidentally seems to overlap and share a lot more traits with Autism and ADHD than just starting with the letter A.

I'm not formally autistic or attention-deficit. I feel like I am not so bad in those departments as other people I've seen. I know so many people who are actually super autistic including my own sister and most of them have just been frustrating to be around with how little self awareness they seem to have and how embarrassing they can act in public. Not saying anyone who's autistic in this forum is like that. That's just been my experience and since I apparently tested as normal when I was a kid I'm going to stick to that result.

I also don't believe I have ADHD since I don't even consume tik toks or YouTube shorts and many of the people I know with ADHD require their various drugs like Ritalin just to even function at a normal level which I am able to do. Another seemingly telltale sign of ADHD is feeling sleepy after consuming caffeine which does not happen with me at all.

And yet I think it's pretty clear by this point that I do have Anxiety. I know that fear in general is the dominant emotion running its course through my mind at all times. It keeps me worried for the future, terrified in the present, and even retroactively ruins what seemed like good parts of the past. Now I don't know to what extent overthinking does manifest in ADHD, OCD, or Autism, but I do know that with Anxiety it seems to be the most prevalent factor. It's possible you or I could still have some combination of all these or maybe just one but for myself I know that if I only got one then Anxiety has to be that one.


The thing you describe at first sounds like executive dysfunction to me which I touched upon once in a thread that I made and never really thought much about since. Like with overthinking I suppose this can also be a thing that can come from any number of all the A-disorders and such.

I think I do get the second part of your post? I don't think I have seen this 'I Hate Men' article in question but I do know that even if I saw such an article and I don't actually know the person saying it, I still can't help but feel terrible about it like I'm part of the problem. Again, I don't know if I really have autism or not but I do know that my anxiety has led me to assume that after seeing some of the horrible things some women have gone through at the hands of men who, like me, are lonely and hateful and idiotic, then that must be my fate if I ever even dare to engage in any sort of way. I don't even need anxiety to tell me that but I can't help but think that's what they must all be feeling. I'm sure I've already made some feel way worse than I'll ever feel about them.

Yeah, it's partly anxiety.

About noticing how some autistics are visibly strange/socially incompetent- I do something similar, but am also definitely autistic. Consult the Greg-Rowley-Fregley scale. lol



also: I very much understand your feelings about empathizing with others who dislike you and then internalizing their dislike to a degree. it sucks.

as I said above logically I know I haven't actually done anything, but… I could, I might. And as upsetting as it is immediate suspicion of me is somewhat understandable.

It makes you feel like an animal :(

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

About noticing how some autistics are visibly strange/socially incompetent- I do something similar, but am also definitely autistic. Consult the Greg-Rowley-Fregley scale. lol

Aw Damn it.

Me hoping I'm nowhere on this scale.