Venting BPD - Venting and maybe advice from others

[franzkafka]

Hi, I'm diagnosed with BPD since last year, but I know that I had this way sooner.
I had a really tough life and home, with a lot of abuse from my mom which was very strict and was beating me pretty often. She is also on cluster B, only NPD
Due to my BPD I lost a good amount of people I really loved because I was too much. I was abandoned in every major period of my life by someone.
Almost 3 years ago I met my best friend and I feel that due to my BPD I can't treat her like she deserves. She is a wonderful person and helped more than any other person in my entire life. It hurts me when I'm hurting her, because of a side which I don't seem to control, no matter how hard I try.

She is so wonderful, I feel like I don't deserve such person. I just lashed out on her, after getting triggered because today my emotions were all over the place. And I know I hurt her, but her last message after that fight was "I love you, good night" She already said that she loves me 2 hours before my episode and no matter what she is here forever.

It hurts me so much when I hurt her, even if I desperately don't want to. I feel like I didn't deserve such a wonderful person, like I'm a monster.

I need to learn to not respond and not lash out out on her when I'm triggered because I don't wanna hurt anyone and it's one hell of a job and it's tragic when you don't wanna do that and you know deep down that you are not that and you are like this because you went through repeated trauma that wasn't even your fault and you watch yourself just do it anyway because you have a fucking child in your mind with a fucking mind of its own that can't regulate itself. It's just a 2 years old kid that can't regulate his emotions.

Sometimes it generally feels like I have 2 sides of me taking control one second at a time. I won't go into details of what the last fight was about, but basically she gave examples of moments where she literally cared about me and I know she does and I was believing her, at the same time as my brain was REALLY trying hard to pick a fight with her and fuck up my life even more.

So, I guess the question is - People that have BPD, what is your technique to not lash out on a person when you are triggered?
I honestly wanna try everything to make her happy like she deserves. Because she helped me in ways I can't even describe and I love her dearly.

 

[N33dT0D13]

I lash out very rarely cuz I internalize everything and punish myself, but instead of lashing out I do shitty passive aggressive stuff so it's still not great. Maybe the passive aggressive stuff is a form of lashing out. Anyway I'm gonna ghost all of my friends and die lmao

I got a lotta shit going on, bpd isn't hopeless, just me lol

 

[ImTelling]

You're stuck with this shifty, angry, snarling loser in your brain. You're just going to have to learn to use your rational side of your brain to conteract its impulsive behaviors.

What do I mean by this?

Let's say I have a friend ghost me for a day, and I think "He fucking hates me I fucking hate him so much I'm going to tell him to go fuck himself and never speak to me again and block him on everything". Now using your rational brain I can say "Never assume anything, maybe he's busy or something came up. He could be talking to others and can't get to me yet." This is a very small example but you can apply that logic and reasoning to whatever irrational emotions youre experiencing. You learn about this shit in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).

I do think you should apologise but don't get super intense and wordy about it. Just explain what you were thinking and apolgise. Your friend seems very understanding so it shouldn't go bad. You just gotta learn to think before you jump to conclusions.