Malaria
If I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead
- Feb 24, 2024
- 1,085
I just had yet another friendship go sour, I became attached to this person and they just left me. I won't go into detail, though I will say that others I've talked to about this particular incident seem to agree it wasn't my fault and that it was instead on the other person. They were the one who chose to leave, I was trying my hardest to be a good friend and be polite to them. I can understand that, but it's hard for me to emotionally accept. I feel like it's my fault a lot of the time.
I get attached to people so much. I am so desperate for friendship, it drives me mad. Any time I feel like someone is rejecting me or abandoning me, whether they really are or not, I fall apart. I can't handle it. I know it's due to my BPD. I just can't handle separation from people. I can't handle people leaving me. I fall apart. Even if the person leaving my life... even if they're toxic and I'm better off without them, I still fall apart and don't want to say goodbye to them. I don't want people to leave me. I don't want to be alone.
I just hate that I'm like this. I wish I didn't fall apart the way I do whenever a friendship ends. Logically I know it's for the best if that friendship ends, but emotionally I feel like it's the end of the world and I fall apart so badly and I lose my fucking mind and become a toxic person. I get outbursts when I feel like people are going to leave me. I think about hurting myself when people leave me. I am an inconsolable mess when people leave me. I'm just so tired of this. I hate myself. I hate how attached and desperate for friendships I am, I hate how I stay in toxic friendships out of fear of being alone, I hate how I end up sabotaging close relationships because I'm afraid they're going to leave me, I hate how I fall apart during any type of interpersonal conflict.
I get attached to people so much. I am so desperate for friendship, it drives me mad. Any time I feel like someone is rejecting me or abandoning me, whether they really are or not, I fall apart. I can't handle it. I know it's due to my BPD. I just can't handle separation from people. I can't handle people leaving me. I fall apart. Even if the person leaving my life... even if they're toxic and I'm better off without them, I still fall apart and don't want to say goodbye to them. I don't want people to leave me. I don't want to be alone.
I just hate that I'm like this. I wish I didn't fall apart the way I do whenever a friendship ends. Logically I know it's for the best if that friendship ends, but emotionally I feel like it's the end of the world and I fall apart so badly and I lose my fucking mind and become a toxic person. I get outbursts when I feel like people are going to leave me. I think about hurting myself when people leave me. I am an inconsolable mess when people leave me. I'm just so tired of this. I hate myself. I hate how attached and desperate for friendships I am, I hate how I stay in toxic friendships out of fear of being alone, I hate how I end up sabotaging close relationships because I'm afraid they're going to leave me, I hate how I fall apart during any type of interpersonal conflict.