Venting BPD vent

[Malaria]

I just had yet another friendship go sour, I became attached to this person and they just left me. I won't go into detail, though I will say that others I've talked to about this particular incident seem to agree it wasn't my fault and that it was instead on the other person. They were the one who chose to leave, I was trying my hardest to be a good friend and be polite to them. I can understand that, but it's hard for me to emotionally accept. I feel like it's my fault a lot of the time.

I get attached to people so much. I am so desperate for friendship, it drives me mad. Any time I feel like someone is rejecting me or abandoning me, whether they really are or not, I fall apart. I can't handle it. I know it's due to my BPD. I just can't handle separation from people. I can't handle people leaving me. I fall apart. Even if the person leaving my life... even if they're toxic and I'm better off without them, I still fall apart and don't want to say goodbye to them. I don't want people to leave me. I don't want to be alone.

I just hate that I'm like this. I wish I didn't fall apart the way I do whenever a friendship ends. Logically I know it's for the best if that friendship ends, but emotionally I feel like it's the end of the world and I fall apart so badly and I lose my fucking mind and become a toxic person. I get outbursts when I feel like people are going to leave me. I think about hurting myself when people leave me. I am an inconsolable mess when people leave me. I'm just so tired of this. I hate myself. I hate how attached and desperate for friendships I am, I hate how I stay in toxic friendships out of fear of being alone, I hate how I end up sabotaging close relationships because I'm afraid they're going to leave me, I hate how I fall apart during any type of interpersonal conflict.

 

[st4r53t]

I understand you. I have a fear of abandonment myself. When I get attached to a person and lose them I feel a void in my life, and then for another long time I reflect on that friendship. I can't get over a loss, even if someone is bad and toxic to me. I just want someone to be there for me, to listen to me and not leave me. Then I get mad and blame myself for everything, that I am such a failure that no one wants me as a friend in their life. Human relations are tough for me.

 

[Malaria]

I think (if for different reasons) this can also happen when you're autistic because of your inability to understand other people and how you grow accustomed to them.

I have autism too so maybe it's that as well.

 

[R_N]

You can maybe change like I did, but I can't say if it's 'beneficial' for everyone.

For me it was no brainer after all the heartache and somehow I managed to do it which I still find surprising.

 

[Malaria]

I guess I have ADHD in place of your BPD alongside the autism.

I have autism, PTSD, BPD, and very recently my therapist told me she thinks I might have PMDD as well. I've also suspected for a while I might have OCD as well. It's a terrible cocktail of disorders either way. I'm sorry you're struggling with ADHD.

You can maybe change like I did, but I can't say if it's 'beneficial' for everyone.

For me it was no brainer after all the heartache and somehow I managed to do it which I still find surprising.

I am getting therapy, I just... had a very bad emotional outburst because that friendship just ended today and I became very disoriented, to the point where I was having emotional outbursts, saying regrettable things to people who were just trying to help me, and thoughts of self harm. I get like this every time a friendship ends, even if it was on the other person or even if the other person was the one being toxic.

 

[R_N]

I just... had a very bad emotional outburst because that friendship just ended today and I became very disoriented, to the point where I was having emotional outbursts, saying regrettable things to people who were just trying to help me, and thoughts of self harm. I get like this every time a friendship ends, even if it was on the other person or even if the other person was the one being toxic.

Yeah, went through similar things myself. Burned many bridges along the way but I don't really regret it tbh, even when it was on me. At least not now.

I can understand where you are coming from and I know it sucks. The cycle of attachment/detachment and all the rumination that comes after.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Have you ever done DBT?

It's okay to grieve the end of toxic relationships.

 

[Ylvie-Quinn]

One (fortunate) trait of Borderline is, that it tends to get weaker over the years. Slowly but surely.

As you explained there is this hellish circle of impulsivity in matters concerning relationships and the shame that comes from such impulsive acts.

I see it as a good sign that you seem to reflect so much on these topics, it'll help you handle your disorder better over time, as long as you don't overindulge in the negative aspects. As a preventive measure you could try to figure out how people should handle you when you're in a bad phase and communicate it when you're in a better state of mind.

 

[Malaria]

Have you ever done DBT?

It's okay to grieve the end of toxic relationships.

I am getting therapy now. Hopefully I can get DBT soon.