nameeater
the one with many regrets
- Nov 21, 2021
- 96
little vent post, sorry if it's a bit long! ^^
i'll never understand the people on social media like tiktok that romanticise bpd/eupd and treat it like something desirable. i'm suicidal every single second of every single day. no one takes my struggles seriously and they claim i'm just overdramatic or attention seeking. i just want to put an end to this. my suicide attempts never work no matter what method i've gone with (and i've tried 20+ times). i lose everything important to me.
my first fp (favourite person) breaking up with me in early 2020 is what triggered my bpd and he will have had me blocked for a year as of december 2nd. because of him, i transformed into an ugly and warped version of who i was. all of my friends left one by one, starting with him. he broke up with me not even 24 hours after a suicide attempt. i felt so, so alone. i blocked him immediately after we broke up but i unblocked him around two days later with the intention of killing myself and wrote him a note saying it wasn't his fault etc however he woke up in the middle of it and consoled me. i still have a screenshot of what he said and it tears at my heart. he said he doesn't want to hurt me and that he didn't want me to think my mental health pushed people away. he did hurt me. my mental health does push people away. when i rediscovered that screenshot just a couple of days ago, i broke down crying. i don't understand why it all had to go wrong. he went from caring to absolutely despising me and wanting absolutely nothing to do with me. i still love him so much despite everything i went through because of him. i feel so, so, alone. i just want him back in my life again. bpd is such a horrible illness, i wouldn't wish the chronic emptiness and constant urge to just end your life on even my worst enemy. i'm so exhausted and want it all to stop.
i'll never understand the people on social media like tiktok that romanticise bpd/eupd and treat it like something desirable. i'm suicidal every single second of every single day. no one takes my struggles seriously and they claim i'm just overdramatic or attention seeking. i just want to put an end to this. my suicide attempts never work no matter what method i've gone with (and i've tried 20+ times). i lose everything important to me.
my first fp (favourite person) breaking up with me in early 2020 is what triggered my bpd and he will have had me blocked for a year as of december 2nd. because of him, i transformed into an ugly and warped version of who i was. all of my friends left one by one, starting with him. he broke up with me not even 24 hours after a suicide attempt. i felt so, so alone. i blocked him immediately after we broke up but i unblocked him around two days later with the intention of killing myself and wrote him a note saying it wasn't his fault etc however he woke up in the middle of it and consoled me. i still have a screenshot of what he said and it tears at my heart. he said he doesn't want to hurt me and that he didn't want me to think my mental health pushed people away. he did hurt me. my mental health does push people away. when i rediscovered that screenshot just a couple of days ago, i broke down crying. i don't understand why it all had to go wrong. he went from caring to absolutely despising me and wanting absolutely nothing to do with me. i still love him so much despite everything i went through because of him. i feel so, so, alone. i just want him back in my life again. bpd is such a horrible illness, i wouldn't wish the chronic emptiness and constant urge to just end your life on even my worst enemy. i'm so exhausted and want it all to stop.