shiyu123
Member
- Jul 9, 2024
- 10
I am a person with borderline and I started my first relationship in 2022, as a person who had a very difficult childhood, I was able to feel loved for the first time, but he was unable to understand me, understand the reasons why I expressed myself in such a difficult "dramatic" way with each mistake he made, the lack of emotional responsibility was slowly killing me, At the beginning of 2023 he moved to the big city, we continued our long-distance relationship because we still loved each other very much, but suddenly he began to change, He distanced himself, he no longer told me things about his daily life and I became more and more paranoid until, on impulse, I hacked into his account and had access to his history and discovered things that I shouldn't have and that hurt me, I had a big fight with him and he threw everything behind my back, saying that he did it because of me, some time passed and this still remains in my mind, so I always went back to that conversation because I discovered that he continued to do the same thing, it hurt, it made me insecure, so we started a new discussion where in the end he He said horrible things, he said he felt angry every time I texted him, that he didn't want to talk to me anymore, that all I knew was criticizing him, so he broke up with me by text message, I cried a lot, I filled him with messages and texts, apologizing for being such a difficult person, then we went our separate ways until at the beginning of 2024 he texted me again and like an idiot I replied, there were audios of him crying saying that he couldn't stand the idea of seeing me with someone else, he said that he loved me as much as he loved his deceased mother, at first I treated him with ignorance because I was still hurt by the things he said to me the last time, I had developed an emotional block that little by little was broken and I began to love him again, but he made no effort to understand me. He took a long time to answer me for several days and at the end of the day he said "I didn't feel like talking to you and I was embarrassed to say it" and I was like "it's okay, just leave your emotional responsibility to me and let me know when you don't feel like talking to me" I was such a fool to accept crumbs and recently he ignored me for days and I said "do you still want to continue this relationship?" and then he said no, that unfortunately he would abandon me again and that it was all his fault, that it was hell to live with this, that I would be nobody in the future because of my difficulties, that I blamed everything on my traumas, that I was an angry and disillusioned person, that he felt angry every time I confided in him to vent. I honestly feel like a piece of shit right now, because even though he did all this and abandoned me at a very difficult time for me, I still anxiously wait for a message from him every day, it's like I'm going crazy and I've lost my crazy will to live, to have a future, to meet someone new, I bet all my love on him, and now I feel trampled, he doesn't care about me, he knows my difficult life story, my suicidal tendency, he knows that he was all I had, that I needed him in mine, that he was my source of happiness, he was the light in my life, a new beginning for me, honestly, I can't describe how I feel right now, I feel abstinent from wanting to do something against my own life because I feel like a person without a solution, that no matter who comes into my life, I won't be lovable and important enough to make someone stay. Has anyone here with BPD struggled with abandonment? What methods have you used to help you feel a little better?
